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Getting dressed nowadays is literally the bane of my existence. Considering that I actually wore some form of athleisure everyday for the last 3 years (thanks, COVID) I genuinely don’t know how to dress my body anymore. It’s gotten to the point where, if I have to go to a wedding, I have to try on 20 dresses before I find one that either A) fits properly or B) looks like I’m from this century.
It doesn’t help that what’s in style right now is, like, actually made for teenagers. While I may be suffering a major menty B given the fact that I’m about to turn
29 again 30, I’m certainly not old. And, because of that fact, I desperately want to be the hot aunt that shows up to every family event with the ~chicest~ wardrobe.
The problem? Since having the luxury of wearing sweatpants to business meetings (they were on Zoom, ok?) I refuse to sacrifice comfort. Luckily, I have a few secrets up my sleeve to make looking good look effortless, even though it’s absolutely the furthest thing from it. Also just fair warning, I wouldn’t recommend using these things if you’re headed somewhere romantic because they’re just about the least sexy things I own. And while they may not be cute, they’re effective.
Nipple Covers For Anything See-Through
Listen,I love the the free the nipple movement in theory. But quite frankly, it’s just not for me. You can use these nipple covers for everything—especially that one white dress we all have that you can literally see your areola through. Bonus points for the fact that they come in 5 different skin tones.
Shop it: Nippies Nipple Cover, $26.50, Amazon
A Backless Bra For All Those Summer Dresses
While we’re on the topic of nipples, I live for a good pair of sticky boobs. I know they look just like a chicken cutlet, but it’s the only kind I’ll wear that doesn’t just fall (or sweat) right off. Plus, FWIW, I feel like the cutlet texture makes your boobs look more natural.
Shop it: Niidor Adhesive Bra, $28.99, Amazon
This Anti-Chafe Stick So The Only Friction In Your Day Is Discussing Politics At Dinner
There’s nothing in this world more unsexy than the waddle you do when chafing in a sundress on a hot day. This shit works harder than Kris Jenner setting up PR stunts.
The Perfect Shapewear You Can Wear Anywhere
I’m not kidding when I say I legit wear this as a tank top. You can’t see through it and it looks so good just with a pair of jeans or denim shorts. I love that it sucks me in at all the right places without feeling like I have to wear a legit girdle. It’s giving SKIMS on a budget.
Shop it: SHAPERX Bodysuit, $37.99, Amazon
Cushions That Make Even Your Highest Heels Look Easy
Being told to buy these foot cushions was best wedding advice I ever got. Forget about “not going to bed angry,” because there’s a lot less of a chance I’ll be angry if my feet aren’t killing me by the end of the night. I swear you won’t even know they’re there.
These Psychotic-Looking Makeup Stain Protectors
If you’ve ever had the pleasure of already being 15 minutes late to event just to throw on a dress and get a makeup stain (which leads to changing again) this product is for you. I’m a “get dressed last” kind of girl and I’m not being dramatic when I say these things save lives.
Deodorant For Legit Everywhere
I know you’d like to think you don’t stink, but chances are you probably do. It’s okay, I’m not judging—I do too. That’s why this ~everywhere~deodorant has become my go-to. Because when they say everywhere, they mean everywhere. Pits and privates included. I no longer smell like a hot yoga room.
Full-Ass Underwear For Under A Sundress
You’re totally going to fight me on this one, but I’m telling you, there is no comfort quite like a granny panty under a flowy dress. You can stop worrying that the whole world is going to see your ass if the wind blows a little too hard. These are my faves because they give a little tummy control, too.
Feature image credit: Mizuno K on Pexels