Peter Finally Revealed Whether He'd Be The Next Bachelor

I know we’re all still reeling from Monday night, when Rachel chose chiropractor and aspiring chipmunk Bryan Abasolo to be her fiancé over midwestern gap-toothed certified snack, Peter Kraus. But there could be a light at the end of the tunnel, and I don’t just mean that Peter is still single for the rest of us. I’m talking about Peter as the next Bachelor. Will it happen? Rachel doesn’t seem to think so, as evidenced by the sheer amount of continuous—and frankly, unwarranted—shade she threw at Peter during After The Final Rose. But forget Rachel’s salty ass. Would Peter even do The Bachelor? He finally answered the question on everyone’s mind, and his response just might give you enough mojo to continue living, at least until we plunge into a nuclear world war. I swear, if Trump gets us all killed before Peter can become the next Bachelor I will be so pissed.

In a press call, Peter was asked about the possibility of him being the Bachelor (and subsequently forcing me to quit my job so I can audition). He said he would “consider” the opportunity. It’s not an outright no, so I’ll take what I can get. It’s like when you asked your parents if you could go to your BFF’s sleepover and they said they’d “think about it.” He’s basically encouraging us to try and convince him, so fire up those Twitter fingers and get ready to DM him your most convincing manifesto. Might as well send it over to Chris Harrison and ABC too so they don’t try and pull some kind of trickery and choose some dude who competed on The Bachelorette like, five seasons ago and is making his relevancy tour on Bachelor in Paradise this season. DO YOU HEAR ME, ABC? THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

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As for who he thinks should be the Bachelor if he doesn’t do it, Peter made our hearts sing once again when he threw Dean’s name into the ring. Peter said he’s a “really good guy” with “a good soul”. See now, this is a consolation prize I could get behind. If I can’t take Peter, I’ll take Dean. If I can’t take Dean, I’ll take Eric. Or Kenny. Or really any of the dudes from Rachel’s season except Lee or Whaboom. Oh shit, why did I have to go and put that idea out into the universe? ABC wouldn’t do that, would they? Seeing as this is the network that probably fabricated a sex scandal for the sole purpose of drumming up ratings, who’s to say they wouldn’t cast their first openly racist or openly idiotic Bachelor? Oh god. I’ve made a huge mistake.