Oh F*ck It’s Gemini Season: Weekly Horoscopes May 18-22

Gemini season in quarantine? And they said it couldn’t be done. This Wednesday the Sun kicks off its stay in super-social Gemini. You can imagine why that might be tricky right now. This month we’re all going to find creative ways to honor the urge to be a social butterfly, all while maintaining a safe, six-foot distance. What, like it’s hard?


Gemini season is all about making connections, so it’s no wonder you’re craving your crew hard right now. Organize whatever get togethers you can while still abiding by state and federal guidelines (nobody wants to be in one of those viral “look at all these assh*les at the bar” pics), whether it be a socially distant walk, or having a drink with a neighbor from across your porch. If that’s not safely possible, no shame in hitting up your old fallback: getting blackout drunk and playing Quiplash on Zoom.


Yes, your season is coming to a close, but can you find one way to treat yourself before it goes? Find some time this week to do one last extremely Taurus-ey activity before handing the reins over to Gemini. This could mean a long, luxurious bubble bath, a long, luxurious dinner, or a long luxurious sex sesh with your long and luxiourious partner. Fancy vibrators included.


Welcome to your season, Gemini! Starting on Wednesday everyone is finally on your wavelength and feeling the twin Gemini spirit, meaning now is the time to clear out your metaphorical closet. What did your last rotation around the Sun teach you? What goes, what stays? Use your season as an opportunity to create the new you. (Hint: it’s just the old you without all the bullsh*t.)


Gemini season means slowing it way down for you, Cancer, so get ready to get comfortable. Oh, you’ve been in sweatpants since March? That’s a great start. Now is the time for rest and introspection. It’s a time to answer burning questions like why is it you suddenly can’t fall asleep until 4am? Could the fact that you were scrolling the Revolve sale section until 2am be the culprit?


Gemini season is a time for you to keep your eyes on the prize, Leo. Great things could be coming to you in your professional life and you’re on track for some major growth. But only if you don’t let yourself get distracted by the petty sh*t (like your cousin who won’t stop trying to get you involved in her pyramid scheme) or the not-so-petty sh*t (like the collapse of global society). Either way, those things are not in your control so you might as well say f*ck it all and focus on the one thing you can count on: your own damn self.


Gemini season is a time for you to get serious and sort out your priorities, AKA Virgo’s two favorite activities. If you’ve been murky on how to proceed in this new COVID-centric reality, the way forward will become crystal clear. All you need to do is make sure you’re sober enough to see it.


Gemini season is a time of exploration for you, Libra, but given the current situation, we’ll have to get creative with the world “explore.” Can you take a different route on your daily quarantine walk? What free online classes are available that interest you? Hell, it could even be something as simple as hitting up the “international foods” section of your grocery store and trying out some new flavors. You’ve gotta be sick of pizza rolls at this point, right?


Scorpio and Gemini have two of the most controversial reps on the astrology world, so when they get together it’s no wonder things can get a little dramatic. Gemini season is an intensely emotional time for you, Scorpio, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself a little bit on edge. On the bright side, all the freak outs will make great material for the inevitable movie about your life.


Gemini season is lighting up your relationship sector so like… how’s that going for you? Now is a time for moving forward in all your relationships, whether that means getting serious with someone you care about, or letting go of someone you don’t. Hint, if he’s still in your phone as “Tom – Maybe?” he’s probably not the one.


Gemini season brings a charming, flirty energy to your sad-ass quarantined life, and thank God for it. This week, you can’t help that you’re so popular. Everyone wants you at their Zoom bday, your Instagram AMAs are on fire, and ten people even tuned in to watch you go live! Hello Hollywood? Capricorn has arrived.


Gemini has you feeling glam as f*ck, so now is the time to turn out all of the looks, even the only people who ever see them are in your computer. Now is the perfect time to experiment with your hair, makeup, and style in the comfort of your own home instead of heading out on the town and only realizing the next morning you looked like a whole-ass clown.


For Pisces, Gemini season is all about honoring your inner circle, and you know exactly who I mean. The ride or dies. The ones you call from jail. The ones you send texts to your crush to for approval, and who have helped your ass into a cab more times than you can count. In times like these, you’re probably very clear on exactly who is most important to you, so take time this month to show up for them the way they’ve shown up for you.

Images: Giphy

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.