Mercury Is Doing That Thing Again: Weekly Horoscopes October 12-16

I regret to inform you that mercury…is retrograde. That retrograde will last until November 3rd, aka Election Day. Read into that what you will. (Fun fact: the last time Mercury was retrograde during an election was the Bush vs. Gore fiasco of 2000. So I guess no we finally understand why Florida f*cked that up so bad.) Politics aside, here’s how Mercury’s retrograde will affect you on a micro level, because we can’t even get into the macro right now.


With Mercury doing a backspin you might want to put a hold on any “what are we?” conversations that you have coming down the pipeline. Sure, your headstrong sign likes to get sh*t settled and out in the open, but with Mercury gumming up your communication skills, important convos are way more likely to end in tears and blocked numbers than actual closure. Unless that’s the kind of drama you’re looking for, in which case, go for it!


Thank God for the Sun in Libra keeping your health and wellness routines anchored, because Mercury in retrograde is about to shake up just about every other part of your life. No matter what comes your way, keep yourself focused on the basics (bathing, eating meals that are not just cheese, putting on pants, etc.) and come up with some activities you can do that won’t require too many brain cells. Might I suggest Emily in Paris?


Stress levels through the roof? Thanks, Mercury. This week you might find it extra tough to stay grounded, what with your planetary ruler in retrograde and all. During this scatterbrained time, give yourself permission to focus on—say it with me now, Gemini—one thing at a time. Not your strong suit, I know. But I think we both agree you’d rather send your boss one well-crafted email that took a little extra time than blast off 15 slacks to the entire office that make no goddamn sense at all.


Keep your heart open but your mind sharp this week, Cancer! With Mercury retrograding in your house of romance, you could find yourself facing some very enticing offers that, when you dig a little deeper, aren’t actually that great at all. Yes, the pandemic has us all starved for attention, but that doesn’t mean letting the person who ghosted you twice in 2018 back into your life is a good idea. (Okay who are we kidding…it was three times.)


Here are three words a Leo never wants to hear: slow your roll. With Mercury in a backspin, things may not be what they seem, and you’re going to want to be extra cautious before barreling ahead with new endeavors, no matter how enthusiastic you are about them. Now is a great time to enlist the wisdom of your crew before you respond to one of those weird IG accounts asking to “collab” on a post, or worse yet, a high school acquaintance who DMs you about a new business venture.


A plan that you thought you had on lock might be thrown into uncertainty this week, aka a Virgo’s worst nightmare. But don’t freak out! Or at least, freak out a little, then smoke a bowl and chill. The extra time you have to regroup and refocus might be exactly what this plan needed to turn it into something truly life changing. Like Davina and the $75 million listing.


Time to get your bills paid, your room cleaned, and your skin care regimen back on point because Mercury is about to inject a little chaos into your life. With so many unforeseen tasks being thrown your way, you’re gonna wanna make sure you have the basics (i.e. clothes, food, shelter) taken care of before they get swept up in the mercury tornado. Your inbox can wait a sec. Your gas bill cannot.


You know that thing (*cough* person *cough*) you’ve been avoiding confronting for the past few months? Well, you officially have the universe’s permission to keep procrastinating. Congratulations. With Mercury in retrograde, now is not the time to settle scores, bury hatchets, talk sh*t out, or honestly do anything that would involve high-level diplomatic skills. Save that sh*t for your birthday month. Stay petty for now.


Let’s be real: the pandemic has hit Sags pretty hard. No travel. No parties. No standing in a tight circle while you regale 10 acquaintances with one of your best stories. It sucks. Mercury retrograde might have you feeling particularly nostalgic for The Before Times, scrolling through Insta looking at all the cute outfits that would make no sense for you to wear to your living room. Do your best not to let yourself wallow. This will all be over soon…right? RIGHT!?!??!


Blast from the past! Thanks to Mercury retrograde (and Instagram’s “On This Day” feature), you may find yourself reconnecting with a long lost friend (or more-than-friend) this week. Enjoy the walk down memory lane, and don’t get ahead of yourself trying to label what their resurgence in your life may mean. Making new friends is basically impossible these days, so if someone from your past wants to reconnect, why question it?


Your upward trajectory may be brought to a screeching halt this week, thanks to Mercury in retrograde. Take it as a sign from the universe to slow your roll. Now is the perfect time to reassess your goals before barreling ahead with whatever world-conquering venture you have in mind. The world will still be there when Mercury resumes its normal course on November 4th. Or at least, we sincerely hope it will.


Time for a phone break, Pisces! The universe is kindly asking you to log the f*ck off. With Mercury in retrograde, your communications, especially digital communications, are in danger of going south. Do you really want to be the girl who has to delete her whole story after a friend gently points out your nipple is showing? Or worse yet, get on the wrong side of a Twitter ratio? Put the phone down and talk to people in real life. How vintage!

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.