Does your man get the ick from your caked up face? Does he constantly point to Kendall Jenner as the gold standard of natural beauty? Is he still in the dark about the fact that 90% of the “no makeup” faces he double taps on Instagram have been brought to you by Glossier?
If this sounds like your Salty, Insecure Boyfriend, then boy, do I have a Love Is Blind-inspired beauty routine for you.
Warning: This may completely change his entire view of your personality, start a relationship-ending fight, and/or drive him into a catatonic state.
Step 1: We’re going to create a canvas for the face informed by the Meredith Duxbury School of Excess. Pour about half of your foundation bottle directly onto your hands, and lather it into your skin like lotion, dousing every last skin cell in a blanket of mattifying coverage.
Step 2: Pop into your time machine and head back to 2016, because you’re painting full pizza-sized triangles under your eyes (and baking, too). If you still have a crusty bottle of Tarte Shape Tape, this is her moment.
Step 3: Since your man loves a natural beauty, head on over to your local swamp and collect a mason jar full of mud. This is your new contour product — sculpt away!
Step 4: On that note, call up Lydia and Milton and ask them if they have any mineral mica laying around their apartment. Pulverize it into a fine powder, then apply as you would a highlighter. You want it to be so blinding that you could use your cheekbones to zap ants with a magnifying glass.
Step 5: You’re gonna want to place your blush in tight, round circles on the apples of your cheeks, preferably in a cherry red shade. About 17 dots of the hyper-pigmented Rare Beauty Liquid Blush should do.
Studies have shown that men are attracted to people who look like them, so the goal here is to look as clownish as possible so he feels like he’s staring at his own reflection!
Step 6: Eyeshadow is so fun because you can really customize it to your man’s specific needs and preferences. If he’s super patriotic, we recommend painting the lid like an American flag. From there, you can use black eyeliner to draw a straight line from your brow bone down to your nose to create a flagpole for maximum impact.
Step 7: Tape three pairs of false lashes to create one tarantula-inspired super lash.
Step 8: Make a quick pit stop at the MedSpa for lip filler and ask for the Lisa Rinna.
Top it all off with some au naturel Burt’s Bees and you’re ready for an unforgettable date night sitting in complete silence with your man over a bloomin’ onion at Applebee’s!