Hey, Sugarbutt. Yes, you. First of all, we need to discuss the nickname. I know Taylor, a literal angel sent from on high, calls you that shit, butt (see what I did there?) I’m gonna be brutally honest: It fucking sucks. May I suggest, “Man Who Thinks He’s Allowed To Have Opinions About Things That Don’t Concern Him“? Doesn’t roll off the tongue? Okay, well, let’s put a pin in that for now. We’ll workshop it later.
You seem to believe that you have a leg to stand on when it comes to telling a woman how much makeup she can be wearing. But I am here to disabuse you of that notion, buddy. I’m wired on coffee, adrenaline, and rage for my fellow makeup-wearing femmes. In the words of our lord and savior Gwyneth Paltrow, I wish you well.
We all watched your goofy ass neg Taylor — who looks like the type of girl who would always gas you up for looking cute in line for the bathroom — for wearing what you considered “too much” makeup. First of all, shut up. Second of all, are you serious? Third of all, shut up.
There are a lot of things I literally never want to hear out of a man’s mouth. I don’t need a random man on the street helping me to parallel park if I didn’t explicitly request the assist. I don’t *really* give a shit whether or not you think women are funny or not. (We are. Sorry.) And I would rather wax my upper lip than listen to you, a man who looks like what would happen if you put a Ken doll in the microwave, tell any woman that she looks better without makeup. Why? Because it’s not your fucking decision.
I know this may be hard to understand, but everything a woman does isn’t with men in mind. Can you read that sentence again for me, please? I know it might be a hard thing to get through your thick head, because the world has literally been set up to validate the belief that you are at the center of it. But you aren’t, especially when it comes to my makeup case. Oh, but did you get a wittle makeup on your wittle jacket? Talk to me when you’re trying to get period blood out of a pair of white pants, and then we can have a discussion about struggle.
Whether you believe it or not, there are women like me and Taylor who simply wear makeup for ourselves. Crazy, right? We wear makeup so that other femme folks will tell us how amazing we look, or ask us where our lipstick is from. We wear makeup to feel good about ourselves, because there is so fucking little in this world that exists for female pleasure and female pleasure only.
So the next time you fix your mouth to share an opinion about how much better a woman would look without makeup on, please just kindly shut up and do anything else. You already fumbled the bag with Taylor, though, so hopefully you’ve already learned this lesson.
Taylor, drop your makeup recs, please. I’d love to buy those lashes.