And just like that… another season of the Sex and the City reboot we love to hate (not unlike Che!) is coming to a close. Stolen Birkin hijinks, Buff Steve, and failed threesomes have led us to a blossoming new sapphic romance for Miranda and a rekindled old flame for Carrie.
While this season has certainly started to find its footing six episodes in, we’re all really just biding our time until we finally get THE Kim Cattrall back on our screens. So, we decided to take matters into our own hands. Thanks to a surprisingly useful Hollywood Stars map and a unsurprising complete lack of shame, we raided Tony Danza’s trash and unearthed the finale script, complete with Carrie and SamJo’s highly anticipated FaceTime convo. Ignore the chicken parm stains and find the full excerpt below!
INT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT – DAYTIME
CARRIE zips around her apartment prepping for a date with AIDAN, glancing into her mirror to check her gloss.
CARRIE (V.O)
With her CheDay behind her, Miranda began to dip her toe further into the lady pond… and my cell was buzzing with a call from across the pond.
CARRIE
*in British accent* Well Top Of the Mornin To Ya!
SAMANTHA
*prolonged silence* Honey, don’t make me hurl my Lucky Charms.
CARRIE VOICEOVER :
After our Parisian cocktail catch-up last fall, I thought The Great War between Sam and I was over… but she’d been dodging my calls for weeks. Was it something I said? Or didn’t say?
CARRIE
Lady Jones, you called me.
SAMANTHA
So, Char told me Miranda’s no longer 50 Shades of Gay.
CARRIE
Okay, A. We don’t know that – she and Che just broke up, yes, but she might be seeing someone new.
SAMANTHA
Well, honestly it’s for the best, I saw the dailies of that pilot and honey… Che Pasa… more like Oy Che.
CARRIE
You got dailies?! And c’mon it couldn’t have been that bad.
SAMANTHA
I get everything! And sweetie, I’d rather be handcuffed, gagged, and forced to watch Alf reruns.
CARRIE
Kinky!
SAMANTHA
And a little birdie also told me that Aidan is back in the picture.. Ancient history! Seriously, I Googled him and the man looks like a Civil War re-enactor now.
CARRIE
Well this is a very loud birdie, and maybe he’s a little Mumford and Son-esque. But at least he has all his hair!
SAMANTHA:
True – guess all that Rogaine paid off. But maybe send the turquoise back to QVC.
CARRIE
Listen, it’s completely insane, I know – but I just feel like this time it’s for real.
SAMANTHA
Well, what about the ex wife? Is she in the picture? Will you have to play step-mommy to ugh… what’s-their-names? Elmer, Potato, and Critter?
CARRIE
*emphasizing* Wyatt, Tate, and Homer. And they’re all over 18 now.
SAMANTHA
I guess you’re right. Plus, Big kinda removed himself from the whole love triangle thing.
CARRIE
Indeed. Death will do that for ya. How’s Londontown?
SAMANTHA
Well, I’m heading to Wimbledon this weekend. Hopefully they don’t sit me next to Middleton and her offspring again… those kindergarten colonizers.
CARRIE
Talk about a Grand Slam.
SAMANTHA
More like Grandpa Slam, I cannot find an eligible, nor flexible enough man below the age of 65. I’m surrounded by geriatrics!
CARRIE
Samantha sweetie, you do realize, you are…
SAMANTHA
Stop, stop it right there!
CARRIE
*Lightly chuckles* Wait, Samantha… Sam? I just wanted to say… I’ve never actually apologized for this… I’m so sorry for what happened between us.
Lengthy pause, we hear the sounds of NEW YORK through CARRIE’S window. Then suddenly a loud scream, wailing, what sounds like fireworks, and cursing in a foreign language.
SAMANTHA
*sigh* Honey listen I gotta go… there’s an emergency at the rehearsals for the Bulgarian Eurovision entry – love ya, toodles!
*Phone clicks*
CARRIE (V.O)
And just like that… Samantha and I were back.
