Sgt. Olivia Betchson, Senior Conspiracy Theorist here. I’ve been covering this Kardashian pregnancy fiasco since day one—okay, day two because day one was during Rosh Hashanah and I was celebrating the Jewish New Year with my family, persecute me—and I’ve always said that I do not for one second believe that Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Is part of that just willful thinking because I love Travis Scott’s music and think he’s too talented to be tied to Kylie Jenner for the next 18 years and suffer the Kardashian Kurse? Yes, definitely. But it’s also because I just cannot believe that Kris Jenner would allow this to happen. At first the rumors seemed like a pretty obvious ploy for ratings for the Kardashian 10th anniversary special. But as the special came and went and we heard no word from
Kylie’s camp Kris, it seemed more and more likely that Kylie was, in fact, pregnant. But now, I have pretty definitive proof as to why Kylie has yet to deny the rumors: Kylie is releasing five new lip kit colors for fall. And boom goes the dynamite.
Yes, I did just insinuate that Kylie is keeping false pregnancy rumors afloat for the sole purpose of selling lip kits. Don’t act like she, or any member of the Kardashian family, is not above that. And my position is only strengthened when you look at these so-called “new” lip kit colors. Check ’em out.
The colors are, from left to right: Autumn, a muted coral; Libra, a light, almost white pink (Kylie, how dare you blaspheme my zodiac sign for this monstrosity of a color); Butternut, look with your pretty little eyes; Hazel, also self-evident; and Wicked, this bright-ass purple. And the reason I say that these colors support the theory that this is all a publicity stunt is because LOOK AT THEM. You’ve got, from right to left this time:
1. A crazy purple color that nobody in their right mind would drop $30 on to wear once on Halloween
(P.S. If you’re not horrified by this lip color, you should buy Colourpop’s Zipper or Guess—they’re basically the same shit and only will have you out $5 when you put it on and realize you look kinda crazy.)
2. A color that’s basically one shade slightly off from every other nude lip kit (I would know, I own at least 3)
3. This unfortunate event that makes you look diseased
Like, that’s what my lips look like right after I puke, why would I willingly slather that all over my lips? Somebody kindly let me know.
4. This color, which you cannot tell me ISN’T a repackaged lip kit from the KKW Beauty x Kylie Cosmetics collab. Seriously, here’s Libra:
And here’s a promo photo from Kylie and Kim’s lip kit collaboration.
IT’S A SCAM. And finally, we have…
5. The poor man’s Brown Sugar, aka Autumn. Again, for reference, here are Kylie and Jordyn wearing Autum:
And here we have the Brown Sugar swatch.
What more proof do you need that this whole pregnancy was made up to sell bad lip kit colors nobody would otherwise buy unless they felt like they were helping out an almost-teen mom? None, I say. None. I rest my case and will be awaiting my Pulitzer Prize for investigatory journalism.