Keep Your Sh*t In Check: Weekend Horoscopes March 26-28

Welcome to the season of Aries, a zodiac sign that, like my 16-month old, seems to revel in presenting sass and attitude to deal with everyday problems. I see you, Aries. Live your truth. The rest of us will be on an emotional rollercoaster this weekend, it seems, although communication and romance are not looking horrible for most of us. Silver linings! Let’s dive in.


Steer clear of people and things while you’re in a bad f*cking mood all damn weekend, Aries. Like, it’s best if you make a mimosa and sit on your porch/balcony/floor and calm down. You can also try and burn off that rage by running on a treadmill or letting your mom talk at you for a few hours. Both burn calories. I think.


Take time to do the sh*t you really enjoy this weekend, Taurus. Like, sure, your Crockpot is great, but maybe this is the weekend to tackle that multi-level Dobos torte you saw on Great British Baking Show. Maybe cooking between one and five of Julia Child’s original recipes is something you’ve wanted to do for, like, ever? Even if you mess up, doing an activity that gets you away from binging episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives will be worth it.


Treat yourself to some alone time this weekend, Gemini. Yeah, it’s nice to get away, but the real purpose here is to keep you away from drama on Saturday. If you get involved, it’s going to be a Teresa/NJ Housewives situation. You are in a good spot to get sexy and sassy with your partner, though, so maybe channel the drama into the bedroom in the form of some role play.


Break out the helping hands, Cancer, cause you’re all about being nice this weekend. Those feelings will prove useful throughout Saturday and Sunday, since the moon will be pushing you to tidy up the house in the name of spring cleaning. You’ll also feel the urge to reach out to family members that need a little extra comfort right now.


Use your words, Leo. This weekend, the stars want you to use all your powers in the realm of communication to tell your fam, friends, partner, etc. how you feel. The universe is actually going to align to help you perfectly express yourself, so take advantage of that sh*t. Like, if you’re given the powers of communication and a strong grasp of language, don’t use it to argue with dumbasses on the local news’ Facebook page (even though that can be super fun).


You’re feeeeeling yourself this weekend, Virgo. Own that sh*t and grab some friends to bask in your awesomeness with you. Just watch what you say—your words, thanks to the moon, have some power behind them this weekend, so be careful not to be flippant or nastier than usual. Luckily, by Sunday you’ll still be feeling confident, but your words aren’t as likely to piss people off.


Relationships, ahoy, Libra. You’ll be super focused on your romantic relationship this weekend as well as how you’re treating yourself. Are you being nice? Taking care of yourself? Are you listening when your partner talks to you? Do you cheer him on when he’s playing Mario Kart or Call of… Whatever? Time for the important convos.


You’re so in tune with your feelings this weekend, Scorpio. Celebrate by not crying into a pillow and, instead, shouting out your front door about how great you are. It’s also a prime weekend to treat yourself. Go for a spa day or just lie in bed and shop online for a few hours. I mean, it is tax refund season…


Frustration is fun, isn’t it, Sagittarius? Yeah, well, get ready for a boatload of that sh*t this weekend, thanks to the moon f*cking with your feelings and making things hard for you. The good news is that this can be somewhat solved with friends and day drinking! Make plans and leave your moodiness at the door.


Travel this weekend, Capricorn—especially if you can do so safely (see: wearing a mask and not being an asshole) and responsibly. Maybe that cute town a few hours away has been calling to you. Or maybe it’s time to say f*ck it and drive across the country, eating your way through the states that no one cares about unless they love greasy food.


Check in on your money matters, Aquarius. It’s better that you take a look at your spending before your dad does when he helps file your taxes this year. Like, it’s best we just avoid that discussion about responsibility all together, right? Sunday, it’s best to chill at home, order in, and kick your feet up. The upcoming week is going to be emotionally exhausting.


Get weird with your S.O., Pisces. It’s been a while since the two of you unplugged and just spent an evening or full day soaking up each other’s awesomeness, so plan for a fun date night, cuddling, movies, and lots of interesting sex, k? The stars are also pushing the two of you to tackle some joint projects and adult sh*t together, so maybe it’s time you created that joint checking account? Or don’t. He doesn’t need to see all the weird sh*t you buy.

Images: Alvin Balemesa  / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson