It’s Treat Yo' Self Season: Weekly Horoscopes April 22-26

This is the first full week of Taurus season, and considering Tauruses are the astrological equivalent of Tom Haverford, that means it’s time to treat yo’ self. Taurus is all about material comforts, so that means manis, pedis, massages, facials, and anything else you can do to feel like a queen. RIP your wallet, tho. Keep reading to find out what the first week of Taurus season has in store for you.


Lucky you, Aries, because you’re headed into Taurus season with a little extra cash. But before you spend every last penny on expensive skincare products, maybe set aside a little bit for savings and investments. The stars are aligned for you to make some good financial decisions. Then buy all the Sunday Riley you want because like, ya gotta.


Why yes, you are 100% that b*tch right now. Its your season, which means now is the time to be the best version of yourself. You know, that version of you that kills it at work, kills it in yoga class, flirts like a motherf*cker, and still has time to party because you’re just that good. Hell, maybe you’ll even start making it to the gym for an early morning workout. Okay, wait, no. That’s crazy.


The biggest thing you need to do this week is trust your gut, Gemini. Keep an eye out for signs and coincidences that can help point you toward where you’re trying to go. For example, let’s say you match with someone on the apps, and next thing you know see them out in public. That’s your soulmate. Or at least they’re someone who won’t ghost you immediately. Either/or.


Between the new spring vibes and the fact that Uranus has entered your eleventh house “group activity” this week, you’re in the mood to paaaarty. Start putting out feelers now for anyone and everyone who would be willing to drop what they’re doing and day drink with you this week. Just remember you do still have like, a job and sh*t.


Be ready for a curveball in the workplace this week, Leo. Remember, sometimes change is a good thing. And no, your boss/coworker/office manager doesn’t hate you. Just take a deep breath and if worst comes to worst, there’s always that one far away bathroom stall you can go hide in and silently scream.


Brand update! Now is a great time to figure out what you 2.0 looks like. Does she make it to cycling class? Make her bed every day? Take vitamins? Scroll Instagram and not feel an overwhelming sense of self doubt? This week, take some baby steps toward making you 2.0 a reality. Even if it’s just remembering to take your Sugar Bear Hair.


Get f*cking ready Libra, because you’re about to have an amazing week. Now is the time to set an ambitious to-do list for yourself and watch as things just keep getting crossed off–aka the best feeling in the world. You know that one chore you’ve been avoiding since Christmas? Add that to the list and watch as you actually get it done. Amazing, I know.


Uranus has entered your relationship zone and no, that doesn’t mean experimenting with butt stuff (though you can if you want). It means be ready for a shakeup. Whether you’re perpetually single or in a longterm relationship, there’s some stale energy that needs to GTFO so you can grow. Whatever it is, it’ll end up better for you in the long run.


You’re having one of those randomly health-conscious weeks, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself on your fitness game. The green juice will taste sweeter, the gym will seem less crowded, and the SoulCycle instructors will be more motivating (as opposed to terrifying). Additionally, all the exercise will give you endorphins, the endorphins make you happy, and you won’t kill your husband. Not that you were going to.


This is the week to take some risks with your romantic life, Capricorn. You’re never going to meet your soulmate (or just your next good hookup) frequenting the same two bars. Go somewhere off the beaten path this week and you’ll be amazed to find there are – gasp! – hot people you haven’t met yet. Once you find them, you’ll know what to do.


Are you 2010 Miley Cyrus? Because you can’t be tamed right now, Aquarius! It’s time to do a little Marie Kondo action on your personal relationships and see who brings you joy vs who is holding you back. Anyone who doesn’t support you at your twerking-on-Robin-Thicke-at-the-VMAs Miley does not deserve you at your marrying-Liam-Hemsworth-in-a-tasteful-private-ceremony Miley.


Big risks will bring you big rewards this week, Pisces, so don’t forget to put yourself out there. Tell your boss that new idea you’ve been thinking of. Text that friend of a friend who could be more than a friend. Wear that risky crop top. It’s all going to turn out in your favor.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.