In case you haven’t noticed, it’s basically 2004 again. There’s a republican in The White House, Mischa Barton’s sex tape is being shopped around, Hailey Baldwin’s wearing UGGs and Spencer Pratt is relevant. I haven’t been this thrilled since Paris and Nicole cut the shit and became friends again. TBH, I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw Bella Hadid rocking a coffin-shaped French manicure in a matter of weeks. Here’s hoping she uploads a photo of it on Myspace.
But before you do anything drastic like hook up with a guy wearing Puka shells, remember that it is, in fact, still 2017, and this is not a free-for-all. We’re pretty much getting the chance to relive the most ridiculous fashion era in history, but with better eyebrows and fewer staged crotch shot scandals. Also, instead of hosting season one of The Apprentice, Donald Trump is now the president. Mazel.
But if we really want to properly honor the return of the early 2000s, it’s time to revive the betchiest outfit of all time: the velour tracksuit.
As a middle schooler, there was literally nothing betchier than wearing a $100 velour hoodie. Except for wearing a $200 velour hoodie that was twice the price because it had a rhinestone pineapple and the words “California Royalty” on the back. Celebs wore them to scheduled photo-ops shop at Kitson, and you wore them to sip Frappuccinos at the mall with girls you kind of hated from your cheerleading team. Juicy tracksuits were the OG betch uniform.
On the other hand, wearing a velour tracksuit without a “J” zipper pull was social suicide. To put it into 2017 terms, velour sweats from like, Old Navy were as bad as having an Android. Things have definitely changed, though. Meaning you can now wear velour that’s not Juicy. But please get your green text bubbles away from me. However, with more brands come more choices (deep) so here’s a roundup of all the 2017 velour tracksuits and how to feel about them.
Danielle Guizio dresses Victoria’s Secret models, so everything she touches basically turns to rose gold. The Guizio Velour Tracksuit has a cropped jacket so you can subtly brag about the tiny waist you got at SoulCycle. (Or your last Adderall bender. Whatever.)
Okay, so obviously Juicy was going to make it on this list somewhere, so if you want to pay $2K for something your mom wore to pick you up from middle school, now’s your chance. Vetements is totally obsessed with getting us to pay thousands of dollars for shit you can buy at Walmart (like Champion and Carhartt). However, Juicy Couture was expensive to begin with—despite its recent appearance in KMart—so we’ll let this collab slide.
Fila definitely used to be a lame brand, but now it’s kind of acceptable because almost-relevant celebs like Pia Mia wear it. Also, as far as insanely expensive tracksuits that you could probably find buried in your high school bedroom if you really felt like looking goes, this one is pretty reasonable.
Black Label is a revival of the classic tracksuit. It’s basically the same as a decade ago, but with updated designs like jogger pants. There are still bootcut bottoms if you’re Paris Hilton and need a few extra inches of velour to distract from your size 11 Louboutins.
If you need a reason why it’s unacceptable to wear this, you’re prob a lost cause. There is absolutely no way that this shit won’t fall apart within one wash, but if you need a tracksuit for like, a Khloé Kardashian Halloween costume or to build a fire or some shit, Forever21 does have options.