How To Handle Holiday Party Season: Weekly Horoscopes Dec. 9-13

Holiday party season is officially in full swing, and there’s only one question every sign must answer: how tf are you going to survive? Will you be the one who magically makes it to every party with a new outfit looking hydrated and happy to be here? Or will you be the one who makes it to one Hanukkah bash, eats too many latkes, and calls out sick for all future festivities? No judgment either way, but let’s take a look at the stars to see what’s most likely for you.


Time to step into the spotlight, Aries! You’re in the mood to socialize, and luckily ‘tis the season for some hardcore socializing, aka a million holiday parties. But how, exactly, will you shine? Will you show up with the exact right alcohol just before the party was going to run out? Will you captivate the room with a hilarious yet somehow still work appropriate hookup story? Get the party started with the perfect Wrapped 2019 playlist? Crush it at Secret Santa by bringing a $100 gift even thought there was a $10 limit? Okay no, don’t do that. It didn’t work for Michael Scott, and it won’t work for you.


Your desire for hibernation continues, but the holiday party invites just keep rolling in. Whatever is a poor Taurus to do? Tap into your inner Hannah Montana and live the best of both worlds by scheduling much-needed chill time in between your holiday party commitments. Got a work thing on Wednesday? Cool. That means Tuesday night is reserved for you, your couch, and your favorite Chinese takeout. This will ensure that your me-time isn’t ruined by FOMO, and your social time isn’t ruined by you losing your sh*t and calling Karen from HR a bitch over a White Elephant.


Say it loud, and say it proud, Gemini! This week the mute button has come off, and you literally cannot shut the f*ck up. Seriously. My condolences to your coworkers. While you’re usually able to turn your gift of gab into a positive by being hilarious, make sure you keep an eye on how much the eggnog is affecting your desire to go off on certain topics (read: coworkers). Remember: the biggest danger you face at a holiday party is yourself.


Say it with me Cancer: self-care. This week you need to make sure not to let holiday parties get in the way way of taking care of yourself. Hot toddys are not water. Going to bed at 4am three week nights in a row will wreak havoc on your skin and no, you can’t just count eggnog as dinner to stay under your calorie limit. Enjoy yourself, but do so in moderation so you don’t wake up one day with a hangover that lasts until 2020.


You’re in the mood to party, which is pretty great since you’ve got a ton of invitations. Don’t feel bad about indulging these next few weeks. It’s time to let 2019 out with a bang, and luckily you have the stamina to give this year the sendoff it deserves. You’ll be spinning every dreidel, harking every herald, and kissing everyone you find under the mistletoe. Unless it’s a work function and they are your direct report, in which case, a holiday handshake will do just fine.


You’re in need of some serious Virgo time—maybe its time to start planting the seeds now that you won’t be making your best friend’s cousin’s friend’s non-denominational holiday potluck this year. You can’t do everything. Instead of running yourself ragged, focus on one or two events that are really meaningful to you and spend the rest of the time really thinking through those 2019 goals. Do you really want to run a 5k next year, or are you just saying that because your best friend’s cousin’s friend did it and you’re pretty sure you can do anything she does? Answer these questions now and you’ll save yourself a lot of time.


Is there anything social Libras love more than holiday party season? I truly don’t think so. This year, the name of the game is pacing yourself, since we’re assuming you want to live long enough to see 2020. Repeat after us: there’s no shame in canceling plans because you need to sleep. We know you hate doing it, but in some cultures canceling plans is considered a drug akin to a mixture of crack, heroin, and a really good head massage.


Your mind is on your money and your money is on your mind this week, which means now is the time to make sure you’re getting the best holiday gift deals possible. Do the research, compare prices, and make sure you’re striking the perfect balance between a thoughtful gift and draining your bank account on someone you won’t be friends with in a year. Luckily, Betches has holiday gift guides for that. You’re welcome.


Most people would have a hard time sharing their birthday month with holiday party month, but not you Sagittarius. You learned long ago how to be the star on top of the Christmas tree no matter how “not about you” an event is going to be, and you’ll be putting that talent to good use. Just be sure to save a little spotlight for the Tiny Tims of the world. They need it more than you do, tbh.


What is this feeling? Are they…feelings? Your usually calm and collected self is getting all the feels this week, so be ready to let the emotions flow. For once, you’re the girl in the bathroom crying into her ugly sweater at the holiday party, not the girl standing just outside the stall with tissues feeling slightly annoyed. But don’t worry, for all the people you’ve done tissue duty for around the office, you’re owed a couple of favors.


Well, well, well look who’s a genius. Your brain is super-powered this week, meaning you’re going to be feeling like you’re smarter than everyone even more than you usually do. Find a way to challenge your mind. It can be as elaborate as a solo trip to a local museum, or as simple as dusting off the old sudoku book. Just don’t try to satisfy yourself by talking with other people. They’ll never be on your level.


Slow down for the holidays? Never! You’re super charged and ready to get started on those 2020 goals right tf now, so bust out the fitness tracker and start getting those 10k steps. There’s no rule that says you have to wait until the calendar says 2020 for your mind to be in the new year, and you’ll be glad to have a routine in place when January 1st comes around and your gym is suddenly flooded with newbies who don’t know proper locker room etiquette.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.