Happy F*cking Holidays: Weekend Horoscopes Dec. 25-27

Merry f*cking Christmas, fam. We’re literally so close to 2021, we can taste it. But we won’t, because 2020 has taught us never to trust again. As we watch 2020 lose consciousness and fade from view, we look forward to a year where, hopefully, masks don’t have to be part of our daily attire, hugging is chill again, and we can go back to cancelling plans and not feeling like that was our last chance at leaving the house for the month. Anyway, here’s what the planets have in store this weekend.


tears of joy

Joy to you and those around you, Capricorn. You’re in for a weekend full of no work, lots of play, and good vibes all around. Share your inner child with those close to you by making fun crafts, exploring your cookie decorating skills, or just watching Home Alone in footie pajamas.


The Office

The moon wants you to focus on your family and your nest this weekend, Aquarius. Not a huge surprise considering it’s Christmas, but we don’t make the rules. Saturn on Saturday also wants you to express love, so maybe it’s a good weekend to surprise your S.O. with that lingerie you’ve been too nervous to wear. Sunday is for getting creative, so like, go knit or call up your sister’s kids and offer to do a glitter project with them—outside.


It’s all about communication this weekend, Pisces. Use the holiday as an excuse to call up cousins, siblings, and besties you’ve kind of fallen out of touch with, because like, 2020. Use Saturday night and Sunday to tidy up before the start of 2021 and reorganize your nest. After all that, relax, put your feet up, and binge something funny (as in, not murder mysteries—sorry).


Reconnect with the people you’ve ditched plans with in 2020, Aries. This weekend and the upcoming end of the year means you get a chance to fix all the dumb sh*t you’ve done in that last 300-some-odd days. Grab a drink with a friend, call your mom, or have dinner with your partner sans phones. Remember, too, to spread the love to those who may not have family and friends close by for the holidays. Call them—no, texting doesn’t count—because they’ll def appreciate it.


You’re so centered this weekend, Taurus. It’s a good place to be considering the chaos that is holiday time. On Saturday, Neptune is pushing you to love others, so make time for your mom, dad, siblings, and besties even if they’ve gotten on your last nerve lately. You’ll be feeling amazingly charming and quick-witted on Sunday, so make sure your S.O. is around to appreciate how f*cking funny you are.


Be nice this weekend, Gemini. The stars want you to lend a helping hand to those that may be struggling this time of year, so donate some clothes, call your grandma, and/or post something nice on social media. You may feel the need to say something nasty or controversial to a friend or family member on Sunday, but try to bite your tongue, at least until the holidays are over. Then you can post passive-aggressive sh*t in your Insta stories.


Sleep late, Cancer, because your dreams this weekend are gonna be on point. After you wake up refreshed af, you’ll be in the mood to spread good cheer, love, and happiness to everyone around you. Have a small holiday gathering with your parents if you can do so safely; call your brother and make him talk to you about wtf he’s doing lately; tell your boss you think they’re, uh, great.


Organization is the focus for you this weekend, Leo. Spark joy by wrapping gifts and perfectly stacking them under the tree, or taking all your clothes and shoes out of the closet—organizing by color and designer—then putting them back in. Once you’ve reached your peak inner Marie Kondo, turn your attention to holiday sh*t and go call your relatives for a nice Zoom Festivus (or whatever) dinner.


Indulge your curiosities about other cultures this weekend, Virgo. It’s a great time to experience the whole out-of-the-box Christmas since you probably aren’t seeing relatives (ya know, cause of the pandemic and all). Order in a cuisine you don’t have every other day, or, better yet, learn to cook something new. On Sunday, prep for 2021 by retiring some of the loungewear you’ve worn for weeks at a time.


You may feel like hibernating this weekend, Libra, but try to fight the urge to turn inward and, instead, soak up the presence of those around you. Go for a walk with a friend or family member, cook something with your S.O. without arguing over which kind of butter to use, or just quietly soak up your mom’s awesomeness while you watch reruns of Great British Baking Show. You’ll be feeling more like yourself come Sunday, so take a drive somewhere interesting for the day.


Passion and snuggles are in your future, Scorpio. Enjoy a quiet Christmas at home with your partner. Start a new tradition, like spiking hot chocolate and having a pillow fight that definitely turns into sex. Or just watch It’s A Wonderful Life and then speak in weird 1940s accents to each other for the rest of the day. Or just make pancakes together and burn the pancakes and have sex.


Self-care should be top of mind this weekend, Sagittarius. We don’t mean depriving yourself completely of Christmas cookies. We mean checking in with yourself: stopping the doom-scrolling, lighting some candles, and turning off the negative self talk. Sunday is all about partnership, so spend some time with those closest to you and say “adios, f*cker” to 2020 together.

Images: freestocks / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson