Grapefruit Absinthe Punch That Will Fuck You Up

It’s like, 12 hours until the weekend, which means that obviously we’re already in planning mode. Thanks to warm temperatures, we also aren’t freezing our asses off, which like, silver linings—ya know?

Because this fancy betch is hosting a party this weekend, and also because I could out-drink you any day, we present this classic punch recipe, adapted from Serious Eats. We wanted it to be pinker and more alcoholic, so, we fixed it.

Make this and watch your guests get trashed.


  • 2 bunches fresh mint, leaves picked from stems
  • 25 oz. white rum — we used Bacardi
  • 25 oz. spiced rum — we used Kraken
  • 6 oz. absinthe — ohhhhhhh boy
  • 10 oz. pink grapefruit juice
  • 10 oz. lime juice
  • 1 oz. bitters
  • 8 ½ oz. simple syrup

Got all your fancy shit? Good. grab a big ol’ punch bowl and muddle the mint until it’s like, kinda bruised but not fucking disgusting. Add in both rums, absinthe, grapefruit juice, lime juice, bitters, and simple syrup. Gently stir the whole concoction until it’s well blended. Add in some club soda if you like bubbles too, because why fucking not, right?

Garnish with grapefruit and lime wheels and more fresh mint.