13 Perfectly Normal Excuses For Being Single This Thanksgiving And Every Holiday Forever

If you’re looking for the easiest way out of the same conversation that you have with your family every Thanksgiving, I’ve got you covered. Before we begin, take a deep breath and remember all the perks of being single and that all the leftovers you take home won’t have to be shared with anyone. 

Now, here are foolproof excuses for being single that shut down any interrogation regarding your dating life immediately. (Feel free to invite me to your Thanksgivings and I’ll say all this sassy shit for you.) We got this, single people!!! 

  1. I’m going to be the next Bachelorette and have 20 guys lusting after me for a whole season.
  2. I was a victim of “West Elm Caleb” and I’m currently involved in court proceedings on TikTok.
  3. I’ve just been promoted to VP of the company so work is absolutely crazy right now…  yes, I am technically still a barista at Starbucks, that’s correct.
  4. My ex and I took a 23AndMe test and realized we’re actually related — oopsie!!
  5. I got banned from Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble within a week.
  6. I’m too young to be settled down right now. I’m clearly a twenty-six-year-old teenager so that would be absurd.
  7. I’m only dating guys who can recite America Ferrera’s entire monologue from Barbie.
  8. Not many guys are comfortable with my tattoos… yeah, I have that little heart on my hip, get with it!!! 
  9. I’m waiting for Pedro Pascal to respond to my invites to eat toast together.
  10. I’m actually dating a famous actor and we have to keep it quiet for PR reasons — hint, he’s in the next DUNE movie. 
  11. I’m in the Witness Protection Program so it could compromise my identity.
  12. I’m waiting for someone who could’ve been written by Sally Rooney.
  13. I refuse to date anyone who is Team Gale or Team Jacob. Sorry that I have standards.
Fleurine Tideman
Fleurine Tideman
Fleurine Tideman, a European-based copywriter. She’s interesting (cause she’s from Europe), speaks multiple languages (again, she's from Europe), and is mentally unhinged (despite socialized healthcare). You can find her European musings on Twitter @ByFleurine and her blog, Symptoms of Living, both of which are written to the sounds of unhinged Taylor Swift playlists.