The hardest thing about bringing a significant other home over the long family weekend (besides the long family weekend), is trying to decide if and when it’s not totally weird to have sex. Maybe your siblings are home or your parents’ room is within earshot, and is it just me, or does doing it in your childhood bed as an adult just feel kinda wrong? And not in a “this is so wrong it’s right” sort of way — more like a “this calls for a shower of bleach” sort of way.
Everyone’s family is different — and maybe you have no innocent childhood attachments to your bedroom. But risking a parent or sibling walk-in is extremely dangerous, so let’s dissect exactly what factors you should consider before getting down in your hometown.
1. Is It A “Meet The Parents” Or A “Meet The Fockers” Situation?
And I don’t mean “are your parents Jewish?” or “are your parents Robert De Niro?” — I mean “is this a first-time visit?” If so, proceed with fucking caution. If you really like them, you probably don’t want your parents’ first impression to include a naked visual or an unsettling soundtrack. But if you don’t intend to bring them home ever again, you should probably go at it in your parents’ hot tub (unless your parents go at it in your parents’ hot tub — then ew).
2. The Acoustics
If the thought of your parents or siblings or dogs hearing you bone makes you as uncomfortable is it makes me, then there are a few very important things to determine before cranking up your Spotify sex playlist and jumping into your twin bed. Do you have a quiet voice? How creaky is that old bed? (A repetitive bed creak can be worse than human-made noises.) What sort of distance are we talking between your room and the closest relative? If you feel comfortable with all sound-related variables or if everyone in your house sleeps with earplugs because of a loud snorer in the family, then by all means, go for it.
3. The Bedroom Decor
If you have to swim through a pile of stuffed animals to even make it under the covers, it might be best to avoid letting your boyfriend see your room. And what does your Tiger Beat poster collection look like? Are you okay with JTT and Blink 182 watching you have sex? Is your SO ready for your Dashboard Confessional? Maybe you should consider redecorating instead of having sex — it could bring you the same level of satisfaction.
4. Family-Induced Stress Level
It’s entirely reasonable possible that by day three you are considering paying the $200 flight change fee just so you can get back to your messy parent-less apartment a few hours early. And if that’s the case, fuck it (and them). Why should you care what they think of you if you can’t stand being around them? In fact, the louder you are and more uncomfortable you make them feel, the less likely they are to bother you for the rest of the trip. Or give you money if you ever lose your job, so like, tread with caution on this option.