If you’ve been in the mood to take your sex life to the next level, it may be time to dip your toes (and other body parts) into the world of sex parties.
If you’re like me, the only “sex parties” you’ve witnessed are ones on TV like in Gossip Girl, Bridgerton, or Eyes Wide Shut (none of which seem like the ideal setting to get it on). But shockingly, the way Hollywood portrays sex parties is a little different than what they are in real life. And if you’ve been playing with the idea of checking one out for yourself, there’s no time like the present.
Before you start looking for masquerade masks and whips, you might want to reevaluate everything you think you know about sex parties. The first thing being: “You have to have sex.”
“There is a huge misconception that you’re obliged to have sex at a sex party. However, there is no pressure, and it’s fully up to you,” Elize Kapaeva, a certified sexologist at Pure dating app, tells Betches. “You can go to dance, meet like-minded people, or just explore.”
If that concept totally blew your mind, this one’s for you. Here’s everything you need to know about how to navigate a sex party.
Know The Rules
No sex party is the same. While some may be heavy handed when it comes to the actual sex, other ones may focus more on dancing or sensuality. “Look for the format that is closest to you and your desires,” Kapaeva says.
But hold up, before you bust out your best lingerie or your favorite leather harness, take a second to peruse the rulebook. Every sex soirée comes with its own set of guidelines, and you don’t wanna be the clueless one who missed the memo. Is there a dress code? Are they gonna be spotlighting certain kinks? Trust, nothing kills the mood faster than showing up in the wrong attire and feeling like the odd one out. Whether you’re a newbie or a seasoned pro, paying attention to the party playbook is key to keeping those nerves at bay and keep yourself from repeatedly making the same joke: “Haha, I guess I missed the memo” while gesturing uncomfortably at your fit..
And, you might think this goes without saying, but don’t be a creep. It might be hard to gauge what’s “creepy” or not at a sex party where people are literally fucking around you. There is never a situation where you should feel like you have to say yes to sex — and vice versa. Consent is still consent. And this doesn’t change after you and someone else agree to get freaky either. Even if it’s with a stranger, communication during sex is key. So finding out what your partner’s boundaries are is going to help make sure that both of you are as comfortable, safe, and turned on as possible.
WTF Do I Bring To A Sex Party?
Before you start packing your back-up outfits into a massive tote bag, let’s talk. Most sex parties aren’t big fans of backpacks, but they might give the green light to a small belt bag. So, think light and compact — less is definitely more in this scenario. Now, I know what you’re thinking — “WTF do I even bring to a sex party?”
Keep it simple. Phone? Check. Card? Check. Condoms you’re cozy with? Absolutely. And let’s not forget the lube — better safe than sorry, right? Even if they’re handing out lube like candy, having your own stash ensures there’s no funny business with allergies and such. As for the rest? The venue and its crew should have you covered. But if you’ve got a go-to sex toy, toss that in your bag too. Can’t have a proper party without your VIP, after all.
Get Tested And Groomed
Let’s get real for a second — your sexual health is top priority here, and not just for you, but for anyone who might cross paths (or genitals) with you. So, rule number one: get tested. Even if you’re planning on just sipping cocktails and mingling, you should always play it safe. And hey, don’t assume everyone else is on top of their game — always wrap it up and keep your personal sex toys to yourself.
And please: freshen up. Just like you’d get cute for any night out, pull out your best fits and hairdos. Also, don’t forget the deodorant and body spray.
Going Alone Vs. Going With A Partner
I get it. The idea of going to a sex party alone, especially as a woman, might sound like a dateline mystery waiting to happen. But take a breath — sex parties are much different than what you might expect.
“In my experience, a sex party is the safest place I’ve ever been to,” Kapaeva says. “In order for you to be guaranteed such safety, choose sex parties whose organizers have been working in this field for a long time, choose parties about which you have heard many times from your friends or acquaintances and whose feedback was positive.” And if you’re really not feeling the going-it-solo thing, bring a friend. Again, no sex has to happen. You can just go check out the vibes and see if it’s for you.
But don’t assume that someone’s just going to come up to you and you’ll start going at it (though this could happen too). You might get better results if you step outside of your comfort zone a little bit and approach other people you might be interested in. Be respectful, be confident, and don’t take it personally if someone’s not into it.
Now, if you’re going with a partner, it’s still important to cover your bases. The last thing you want to do is end up in a fight at a sex party with your partner because you guys didn’t discuss what was “okay” and what was a “hell no” beforehand.
“If you are a couple who have decided to go to a sex party for the first time, talk to each other about what kind of experience both of you would like to have, discuss in advance all the possibilities and restrictions and have fun,” Kapaeva says. “Maybe you want to spend an evening in a kinky place without having sex, and that’s totally okay.”
Even if you’re hooking up with a stranger, communication during sex is key. So finding out what your partner’s boundaries are is going to help make sure that both of you are as comfortable, safe, and turned on as possible.
