SoulCycle Is In Big Trouble (Again)

Donna Wood, 42, was just trying to have a relaxing California vacay in hopes of shedding 2016’s bad karma, when she learned the hard way that 2017 is actually going to be a bigger bitch than any of us had ever dreamed possible. According to a suit filed in Manhattan Supreme Court, Wood was attending the 8:30am class at Wilshire Boulevard SoulCycle when she was allegedly “impaled” by her stationary bike and forced to “dangle by her right leg” for several minutes. Wood is now suing SoulCycle, claiming that the loud music they play to drown out the voice in your head that’s screaming for you to get off your bike drowned out her literal screams for help as she dangled precariously off her bike like an earring with no back.

What’s worse is that, according to court documents, the class was in “cool down” mode, which means that the room was totally dark, leaving the SoulCyclers totally oblivious to the fact that one of their classmates was having her leg torn off. Eventually, a classmate finally checked out of workout mode enough to realize, “Oh fuck someone in this class is being amputated by the very bikes we thought would save us,” and freed her before she went full Lieutenant Dan, but nobody in the class called an ambulance or seemed at all phased by the fact that their classmates may have lost her entire right leg, and burned like, 500 calories. 

Lena Dunham bike

But hey, can you blame them? I go to SoulCycle to focus on me, not to worry about other people’s bullshit like whether or not their leg is being accidentally amputated. Like, when the instructor said to focus on my own destiny I took that to heart and my destiny does not include your leg, I’m sorry. 

Kimmy Schmidt SoulCycle

But back to Donna…

Wood then took an Uber to the hospital, like ya do, where she allegedly required 50 surgical staples to close the gaping wound in her leg, which then developed an infection. Wood finally “recovered” in April (not sure you ever recover from being nearly amputated in a room full of stationary bikes TBH), though she does now have a deep permanent scar on her right leg as a fun and appropriate souvenir for her very first vacation attempt of 2017. And that, friends, is why you don’t go to 8:30am SoulCycle classes while on vacation. You never know wtf might happen. 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.