Have you ever thought to yourself, I wish my favorite Disney princess was on TikTok? You’re lying if you haven’t. I mean the fashion advice that Cinderella would give out! The makeup tutorials by Rapunzel! By virtue of being princesses, all the Disney girls are pretty betchy so I’m certain they would thrive on social media.
And since American Girl added Cinderella, Tiana, and Ariel to their Disney princess collection, I have every excuse to judge their online presence. (According to People, we can also expect Frozen-themed dolls later this year, lol.) So, here’s how I expect these new dolls will make it in the real world. And by real world, I mean living chronically online like the rest of us.
Cinderella Is A Fashion Influencer 
Cinderella has been a fashion girlie ever since she DIY’d her first ball gown. She carries a “dress makers” book, a tape measure, and scissors because you just never know when the moment calls for FASHUN. She applied for FIT but didn’t get in (she was too eager to show off her scissors), so now she wanders the lower east side in search of a thrifting bin she can rummage through. She’s totally married to a prince but likes to cosplay as poor by wearing an apron and hair kerchief, and encourages her mice friends to run through her apartment when the landlord threatens to raise her rent.
Canceled for taking a brand deal with Shein.
Ariel Is A Wellness Influencer
Ariel has gone woo-woo. Besides adding healing crystals to her collection of whozits and whatzits, she’s also in a legal battle concerning multiple parties who followed her advice to stick a fork in their hair. You’d think she’d be more skeptical of witches but has recently started a new partnership with a coven based in Queens. When she’s not hosting silent retreats by the sea, she’s doing pilates with her new legs — but never shuts up about her days as a professional swimmer. It’s like, run a marathon and then maybe I’ll validate you.
Canceled for selling literal snake oil.
Tiana Is A Food Influencer
Tiana is literally the only princess with a real job. But when she’s not running her restaurant, she makes foodie content out of her home kitchen. Her husband Naveen often makes appearances in her TikToks when he sneaks in to steal a beignet or two. The two love to banter and by banter I mean she often threatens to cook frog legs for dinner. (He’s sensitive about his past.) But it’s cute because he calls her pookie and the internet loves that shit.
Canceled for tax fraud.
Jasmine As A Travel Vlogger
Apparently Jasmine is “compassionate toward her kingdom and always stands up for what’s right,” but all I’m seeing is the hundreds of Swarovski crystals sewn into her outfit. She calls herself a travel vlogger but she’s just trying to piss off Daddy by hitchhiking around the kingdom with a poor dude. All of her videos are just blurry footage off the side of a magic carpet!!! Eventually she’ll get tired of her life on the road and return to her cushy palace and probably hook up with that weird guy with a parrot.
Canceled for harboring an exotic pet.
Belle Is On BookTok
Belle “adores adventure stories that introduce her to new places and people” but never leaves the damn house. But that’s where the relatable content stops. The girl loves to brag about her Goodreads following and I’m not convinced she’s actually read a book in years. It’s probably because she’s suffering from severe depression and Stockholm syndrome because she married her literal captor. Her friends are actual silverware. Hope it was worth it to go viral!
Canceled for beastiality (duh).
Rapunzel Is A Beauty Influencer
Clearly a beauty influencer with that hair, Rapunzel gained one million followers by simply live streaming a single braiding session. A self-called “dreamer,” she is determined to experience life outside her tower. But as a true GRWM “queen,” we only ever see her get ready; she never actually goes anywhere. This princess desperately wants to be sponsored by Dyson, but legally the company can’t get involved with someone on house arrest. Someone pls get her a dupe hairdryer before she chucks herself off this tower!
Canceled for eating her own hair.
