I would just like to go one day where I don’t want to throat punch someone for sporting the latest dumbass “fashion” trend. But sadly, today is not that day because I just found out that someone
is trying to ruin my life just came out with a Disney princess bikini line.
We’ve already established which bathing suits are best for your summer bod, and trust us, these will not be making the list. Whoever came up with this idea to
personally victimize me capitalize on the Disney Princess trend is going in my personal burn book. Because now this heinous trend is invading a v important aspect of my life: the beach. The beach is a sanctuary, people. Someplace where I can do two very important things: nap and day drink. I need this place so I can forget the fact that we live in a world where people wear flower crowns and drop crotch pants of their own volition. But now, because we can’t have nice things, the beach isn’t even a safe place anymore.
But back to the bikini line. Enchanted Bikinis has taken it upon themselves to create their own line of Disney-themed swimsuits even though no one fucking asked them to. There will be a bikini for each of the major Disney Princesses including Snow White, Belle, Cinderella, Rapunzel, Jasmine, Ariel, and Pocahontas. As if I didn’t have enough of a complex with my summer body, now you want me to squeeze into a bikini that channels my childhood heroes? That’s asking a lot of someone who just spent the last four months binge eating cheese and drinking red wine.
Also, grown women wearing princess costumes at the beach IS NOT OKAY. I mean, I get that we’ve all had that fantasy of being a princess and having Prince Charming come and sweep us off our feet, but like, I left that dream behind after my first jungle-themed frat party. Something about watching a guy shotgun a beer in a leopard print skirt really kills that dream for a girl. Sighs.
My favorite part about this bikini line—if you were to like put a gun to my head, threaten my life, and force me to choose—is probs the mission statement: “…To let the princess in you glow and enchant everyone and everything around, when you wear your Enchanted bikini. We believe that every woman can feel this way without putting on a costume.” Lol k. Let’s just see about this, shall we?
Okay, every girl in this picture is legit wearing a wig to the beach. And that one girl on the end is carrying a braid larger than my body rn. How is this not a costume again? HOW? Seriously. I’ll wait…
Jesus. This girl needs to hi-ho her ass back to the castle because if I see this shit on the beach I’m not sure I can be held responsible for my actions.
It’s like the people at Enchanted Bikinis thought, “have we humiliated the Native American people enough with this false narrative?” and they said, “no, let’s put her in a bikini!”
Tbh I’m surprised they didn’t just use her hair as a substitute for a top. This seems like a brand that would cut corners. Also like a brand that fosters my rage issues.
I think Pocahontas’ face in the saddest group picture ever just about sums up all of my thoughts regarding this bikini line.
The look of someone who’s contemplating how many drinks it will take her to forget that she’s a twentysomething woman wearing a child’s costume in public.
It’s unclear as to how many actual female women will wear such a thing in a public, but then again people sell laxative tea for Instagram followers, so there’s no limit to the amount of desperate shit people will pull. The one thing I know for sure is that Halloween costumes are about to be a whole lot sluttier. People were already wearing bras as tops, so I can only image what my sorority sisters people will be wearing this year now that bikini costumes are a thing. So should I start drinking now to prepare myself or…?