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Decoding Katie Morton & Chris Bukowski's Breakup Post

We’re less than a month away from the new season of The Bachelor, and thankfully, it feels like this off-season has flown by. While some of our recent Bachelor in Paradise couples are still going strong (I guess Caelynn is really about that van life), not all of them were destined to survive. This fall, we’ve already said goodbye to John Paul Jones and Tayshia, as well as Demi and Kristian. And today, Chris and Katie announced their split, to the surprise of… literally no one. Like, not a soul.

Going into this season of Paradise, Chris was the ultimate veteran, coming back for his sixth season on a Bachelor show. No offense to him, but he wasn’t exactly the freshest catch on the beach. He didn’t have the Hannah Gs and Caelynns coming after him, but that was okay. Whatever he brought to the table worked perfectly for Katie, who was, well, a little desperate. No shade, we’ve all been there. Homegirl wanted a man, and she found one!

But as Nelly Furtado once said, all good things come to an end, and I’m not sure if this relationship was even particularly good to begin with. Despite getting engaged on the BiP finale, Katie showed up to After The Final Rose not wearing her ring, and said that she “fell in love with potential that may never come to fruition.” Somehow, in that moment, I was not entirely convinced that they were going to last!

The couple announced their breakup on Tuesday morning with a joint Instagram caption, though they chose different photos. While Chris went with a production shot of his proposal, Katie picked this low-key awkward shot of her perched on his knee in a kitchen. The lighting is on point, but the photo doesn’t convey any kind of breakup sentiment. Whatever, these people are weird.

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As we would expect from any Bachelor breakup post, the caption is a generous helping of word salad. They start by saying that “this life has taught us that it’s okay to be stubborn in the pursuit of happiness,” and I really can’t believe that they just quoted the f*cking Declaration of Independence in their breakup announcement. The whole first paragraph reads like they Googled “cliches” and just slapped a few together. I’m sorry, but between “pursuit of happiness,” “fight for what is real and good,” and “the hardest thing and the right thing are the same,” you get to pick ONE. Really, it should be zero, but I know these clowns can’t help themselves. I also feel obliged to point out that the last part is a direct quote from “How To Save A Life” by The Fray, a song that we should have left back in 2006 where it belongs.

In paragraph two, they cut to the chase, saying that they’ve “reached a point in our story where we agree it’s best to go our separate ways.” A POINT IN OUR STORY. You mean, the end point? These two really think their lives are like a Taylor Swift song, huh? This is what happens when people find love on a TV show—they think they’re some tragic fairytale story, but in the real world, people break up after six months of dating literally all the time (many don’t even make it to the six month mark), and they’re usually back on all the dating apps the next day. My roommate has been dating a guy for that long, and I still don’t know his last name. It’s not that deep.

Katie and Chris then say they’ve “chosen to love and respect each other as friends,” which translates loosely to “we can still be at the same influencer events without causing a scene, but we’re absolutely not friends.” This is another thing that’s weird about these public TV couples. I’m not trying to say that breaking off an engagement is no big deal, but these two didn’t seem to get along that well even when they were engaged, so there’s no reason they need to pretend to be friends now that they’re over. Chris is from Chicago, and Katie’s from LA, so realistically, they could go the rest of their lives never seeing each other again. (Katie, if you’re reading this, block his number!!) This idea that you have to say you’re friends with your ex is unrealistic, unhealthy, and just plain dumb.

Judging from everything they’ve ever said about their relationship, I think we can all agree that this is definitely what’s best for them. They close out their statement with more thank yous and gratitude than an Oscar acceptance speech, which goes to show how brutally taxing this six-month relationship has been on both of them. But remember, they’re still friends!! But no matter how doomed this relationship was from the beginning, not all Paradise couples are a total sh*tshow. As we speak, Dylan and Dean are joking on Twitter about which one of them will have babies first, so it seems to be working out okay for them.

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Now that Kate and Chris are both single, the real question is whether Chris will come back to Paradise next season for another try. At this point, he’s like the kid at your high school who’s repeating senior year for a third time, and no one knows why. He might not have any friends left here, but it wouldn’t quite feel the same without him.

Images: ABC, katieemo / Instagram

Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer has watched over 1000 episodes of Real Housewives because he has his priorities in order. Follow him on Instagram @dylanhafer and Twitter @thedylanhafer for all the memes you could ever want.