It’s been a long, drawn-out year for Bachelor Nation, and I for one am relieved it’s over. I normally live and die for Bachelor in Paradise, but this season was a total bore. The only true drama was the beginning of the season, and it was mostly Blake crying about how victimized he feels after women are mad at him for f*cking everyone else. Yeah, no sh*t Blake, people don’t like that. Then Caelynn went to live in a van. Clay whined about Angela—after he dumped her. And then it ended. Amirite? I don’t feel sorry for you idiots. Somehow, in spite of being some of the dumbest people alive, some of the cast actually managed to find ~*true love*~. Or they can at least fake it long enough to keep the ring and get sell some FabFitFun boxes. It’s like a fairy tale! So, here are the couples that are still together after BiP ended. I wish them all the diarrhea tea sponsorship deals their hearts desire!
Hannah & Dylan
In spite of it coming out that Hannah had DMed pretty much every guy on the beach, Dylan remained stalker-y obsessed with her all season. TBH, I don’t know why you’d bother with someone that’s actually slept with everyone like Blake, when Dylan clearly likes you and only you. But thankfully, unlike some people, Hannah clearly has read He’s Just Not That Into You and went with the guy who actually liked her. Thank god. She and Dylan are totally compatible in the sense that they’re completely dull af and mostly like to lie next to each other while going, “No, I love YOU more!” So glad they can annoy each other with their complete lack of banter. Congrats on the engagement, guys!
Demi & Kristian
I love Demi, and maybe I’m selfish, but I wanted to see more drama from her. I love that ABC is finally acknowledging that gay people exist, and maybe this is hard-hitting conflict for people that live in the Midwest, but over here in LA, people are just gay and it’s not a gimmick or a point of interest. It’s normal. I wanted to be entertained, you know? But whatevs, I guess I’ll take watching a super cute love story unfold. Look, I’m cynical, okay?! Anyway, Demi and Kristian are still engaged, and I’m happy for them.
Katie & Chris
I honestly forgot these people were even on the show about halfway through. Chris is the worst. He’s been on these shows 100 times and he’s never been here for the right reasons. This somehow made him irresistible to Katie. I love when we see normal, beautiful, intelligent women on these shows, and you’re like, “What? How are you single?” and then you see their taste in men, and it’s like, “Oooooooh, I see the problem.” See also: Tayshia. Katie is too good for Chris. Somehow, they’re still engaged despite the “rocky” relationship and her roasting him on-camera about their relationship issues. They also posted real awkward Instagram posts about how difficult love is. Um? You guys have been together for five minutes, most of which was on an all-expenses-paid beach vacation. I assure you, you’ll eventually have like, real problems.
Tayshia & JPJ
If a grown-ass man throws multiple screaming tantrums on TV, what do you do? If you’re Tayshia, you think he’s husband material, apparently. In spite of all the red flags that JPJ is too immature for a relationship and a little unhinged, these crazy kids seem to have made it work because they’re back together, but they’re not yet engaged. I just can’t wait until they get into their first fight and JPJ thinks Tayshia is “insulting [his] intelligence”. Yikes.
Dean & Caelynn
Dean and Caelynn are shockingly still together, after he dumped her on her birthday and then came back to sabotage a functional relationship to get her to come live with him in his van. Caelynn, you’re really bad at this. Staying with Connor should have been a no-brainer. Anyway. Dean and Caelynn have been traveling a bunch (how do they have money to travel? Neither of them seem to have jobs?). I also don’t buy that they really live in the van. I can promise you that Dean is squatting in Caelynn’s apartment rent-free and spends all day smoking weed on her couch. She’s probably like, “Dean, like, maybe you should shower today,” and he’s all, “What? Who wants an EASY relationship?” Dean, the answer is everyone. Let’s just hope they don’t have any Deanie Babies soon.
Connor & Whitney
After Caelynn brutally dumped Connor to go live in a van (oh no baby, what is you doing?), Connor was devastated. Like, he literally found out that his relationship was over while watching Dean eat Caelynn’s face in front of everyone. YIKES. However, not all was lost for Connor, because after he threw a little tantrum and left, BiP sent Whitney to rescue him. They mostly stood around going, “Yeah, like, and uh, yeah”, and Connor said it was great conversation. Seems about right. So Connor and Whitney hung out for few days in Mexico and apparently are still dating and NOT living in a van. Sorry, Caelynn, Connor definitely won the breakup. And now he has a date to the middle school dance!
UPDATE: There are new rumors that Connor and Whitney are no longer together. Sad! But if you look at their Instagrams right now, they’re both obviously in Tulum. Idk, you do the math. I won’t be heartbroken if they don’t stay together forever, but it seems unlikely that they’re just separately in the same place in Mexico in the middle of September.
Images: Instagram (@hannahg11, @kristianhaggerty, @katieemo, @tayshiaaa, @deanie_babies, @consaelaway); Giphy (3)
