Hi! I feel like I’m crazy….please help.
I was in a long term relationship from age 19-21…I am now going on 22. He was my everything. We had plans to get married after college, our families knew we were “meant to be”, and we were inseparable. After my father passed away last October, our relationship got rocky due to my outbursts and hard times. It was my 21st birthday shortly after….long story short….we got in a huge fight that night, and he broke up with me. ON MY BIRTHDAY. I was DEVASTATED. I lost 15 pounds because I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep or concentrate on anything but reminding him why we were “so in love”.
Another long story short—we got back together and broke up 5 times shortly after. I broke up with him finally after he admitting to lying to me multiple times, and when he came clean about cheating on me when we were long distance our sophomore year of college. 4 MONTHS INTO DATING. We were together a little over 2 years and I had NO CLUE. The reason I tell you this story, is because I want to show you how fucked up I got from this. It was really really REALLY BAD. He stalked me for a while after too. It’s been 6 months since we have been done and he still texts my mom. Yeah…
I got back on a swiping app because I was so fucking bored. I matched with a cutie who really caught my eye for whatever reason. He’s adorable, really handsome, and has a crazy deep personality. He’s also 3 years older than me which is so different for me. I told myself I would only fuck around with a swiping app and talk dirty and shit to get amusement, but I met this guy a week after talking. Total butterflies. He asked me after he kissed me if I was even real! Like ugh my heart!
Before we met, we talked on the phone 7 nights in a row. Insane to me! We kinda just click.
But, he just got out of a similar to my relationship 3 months ago—which means he’s nowhere ready to date. And I get it! Idk if I am either yet you know? I’m more ready than he is though. We got in multiple arguments over the past week (we have now known each other for a month) and I thought the whole thing would end. These arguments were over the fact that he doesn’t know if I really like him like I say I do, and over him not being texty like he used to which confuses me on how he feels. I can tell hes afraid to lose me, but isn’t as texty as before, and doesn’t like to call me anymore. We hang out on a pretty regular occasion (2 times a week) but we live 40 min away from each other so that sucks with our busy lives. Why is he not as texty? Why doesn’t he wanna call anymore? He loves hanging out and so do I, but I love that little extra stuff too. He also told me to come to a bar to hang with him and his family next weekend. Plus he seems to get jealous if I’m hanging with other guys because he’s not sure what I’m doing. Sounds crazy, but I like that little jealousy. But if he isn’t ready to commit….why the jealousy? I really think he does like me, especially because we haven’t had sex yet (other things though…definitely). So what is this insane situation??? I really like him and I’m afraid to lose him, but if he can’t commit in the near future, I feel like I’m being put on a shelf. What if I’m ready to move forward and he isn’t? What do you think of him?
Swiping Apps Drive Me Insane
First off, if swiping apps drive you insane, get on Hinge. JK but not JK. Okay but to get to your question… any well-adjusted, mature guy will understand that if he wants to hook up with whoever else he wants, he has to be cool with you doing the same. Unfortunately, some guys are just assholes. This guy sounds like an asshole. Like, if he doesn’t want you to hang out with other guys—I assume you mean in a dating context, because if you mean platonically then just run right now and don’t even read the rest of this—there’s a very easy remedy, and that’s for him to commit. But he doesn’t want to do that either, so… ?? Fuck this. Coupled with shit like him getting into fights with you because he doesn’t know if “you really like him like you say you do” (*whispers* manipulative), and I feel like this guy’s just immature, and kind of a douche. Which kind of makes sense given that he’s, what, 24 or 25 dating a 21-year-old who might still be in college? It’s not a big age gap, but once you get to 24/25 you’ll probably see that there IS a huge gap in terms of where you are in your life.
Anyway, I can’t read this guy’s mind and unfortunately you didn’t give me his email address so I could ask him directly, but I get the sense that he does not want to commit [yes, actually] and is distancing himself from this situation in preparation of making a break. I will say that it’s kind of normal to talk on the phone a lot before meeting someone and to do that less once you’ve met them, if just to vet them and make sure you’re not getting catfished. But from the overall picture I’m getting a sense of fuckboyery on the horizon. I would lay low. Like, don’t text first, don’t ask him to hang out, etc. Wait to see if he does it. If he doesn’t, that’s your answer.
Also, don’t be “afraid to lose him”. You guys haven’t even slept together yet—you’re not losing anything at this stage. He doesn’t even sound that great. I will say (and I wish I could put this in a huge font for every woman to see) if you ever find yourself doubting your own sanity around a guy, GET THE FUCK OUT IMMEDIATELY. That has to be your cue to leave. It’s a good (or more accurately, bad) sign you’re being manipulated and that it will only continue to escalate with time.
Better Luck On Hinge In 2018,
P.S. The entire story about your college boyfriend was unnecessary, but I enjoyed it anyway.
P.P.S. That ex was also terrible—stalking aside, anyone who can’t stand by you when you’re dealing with the death of a family member (ESPECIALLY A PARENT) is not the one you want to spend your life with. Bullet dodged.