By now, you’ve probably seen this year’s winners for People‘s “Sexiest Man Alive,” and in typical fashion, you — like everyone else on the internet — have no fucking clue how any of these men won.

I’m going to try my best not to be mean here, okay? I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, blah blah blah… but when that beholder names Benny Blanco and John Krasinski as some of their sexiest men, I can’t help but question what exactly they think “sexy” means. Sure, “sexy” is an aura, a certain swagger, a vibe… but these are still things that most of the men on this list do not have. I would say that there are certain men that are just objectively attractive but after seeing who you all deem as your “white boy of the month,” I just don’t trust that we can get on the same page about this.

need them to start taking this process as seriously as the conclave of cardinals choosing a new pope or not do it at all https://t.co/w5LACjsTh2

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) November 13, 2024

But what we can do is try to reason with the people over at People a bit. I know you’re all very good at your jobs and I’m starting to think you choose these men to get online discourse getting (which obviously you’ve accomplished), but I’ve had my eye on you since you named Blake Shelton “Sexiest Man Alive” back in 2017. We need to regroup and figure this out because once you’ve gone down unironically posting a picture of Benny Blanco with his feet out and calling it “sexy,” you’ve gone too far. So, to help out just a little, I’ve crafted a list of criteria that I think can help you choose someone that a lot of the internet would actually thirst over.

Petition To Change The Criteria For People‘s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’

1. People shouldn’t have to say “hear me out” before saying his name.

2. If you’re throwing his name in the hat out of sympathy, throw the whole hat away.

3. Straight men should (uncomfortably) describe him as “A good-looking dude.”

4. If he has a partner, people shouldn’t constantly express their confusion over his partner picking him.

5. If he’s not the most attractive man on his show/movie/band/friend group, he shouldn’t be on the list.

6. Naming him “Sexiest Man Alive” shouldn’t cause public outrage.

7. People should have been talking about this man before he got with his gorgeous, famous girlfriend.

8. If people liken other people to this man as an insult, he shouldn’t be on the list.

9. If you ask a straight man who he wouldn’t mind looking like, this man’s name should come up.

10. If people say he reminds them of “a slice of bread,” he shouldn’t be on the list.

11. If you’re only putting him on the list because he’s white, take a moment to reflect. (I’m so serious.)

12. If finding him attractive seems to fit into either a “rodent boyfriend” or “frog man” trend, he shouldn’t be on the list.

13. If he’s been on Bridgerton, add him to the list.

14. TikTok should be full of fan edits of him doing ordinary, everyday things.

15. His last name should be either Malik, Morrone, Elba, Momoa, James, or Patel. Everyone else should go through rigorous testing.

16. He should resemble a Disney prince, not a Disney villain.

17. You shouldn’t be able to walk down a street in Brooklyn and see 20 other men that look just like him.

18. People shouldn’t cringe when a picture of him pops up on their timeline.

19. Announcing his name on the list shouldn’t make the results of a presidential election feel 10x worse.

20. People should actually describe him as “sexy.”

Hope that helps! xoxo