Every year around this time, the folks at People get together and decide who’s going to be the year’s Sexiest Man Alive. It’s one of our country’s most inspiring traditions, and it always causes some controversy. But this year, we literally can’t even.
On Tuesday night, People announced that 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive is Blake Shelton, and we are so fucking confused. It’s okay if you need to scream into a pillow for a minute, we’re here for you. Grab a drink if you want, because it’s obvious that People had some beer goggles on when they picked Blake.
We know Blake as a successful country singer, a lovably annoying judge on The Voice, and the dude who’s currently fucking/in love with Gwen Stefani. All of these things are great, but they don’t make you the sexiest person on the planet. Notably, Blake is the second judge on The Voice to take the title, after the much more deserving Adam Levine took home the crown in 2013.
So here’s the thing. Blake is cute! He’s cute for 41 years old and looks like he’d be fun to hang out with, and he might even be good in bed, but there’s literally no way he’s even in the top 1%. Right now, we really hope the Goslings and Hemsworths and Clooneys of the world are having some secret hot person meeting that Blake wasn’t even invited to, because he’s just not in the same league.
Also, we need to discuss People‘s mayonnaise tendencies. Why is almost every Sexiest Man Alive white?? Sure, we had The Rock last year, but he was the first non-white Sexiest Man Alive in TWENTY YEARS. And the only other one? You guessed it, Denzel in 1996. Where’s the imagination, People? Have you never heard of Idris Elba? Or Michael B. Jordan? Or John Cho? Hell, I’d settle for Will Smith at this point. It’s so BORING seeing average white men take home the title year after year (a great metaphor for our current political climate—is that what you were going for??). Really, if you guys need me to give you my personal celebrity crush list for inspiration, just let me know. I’m happy to drop it off for you.
Tbh, People probably only chose Blake Shelton so they could do some cute interview about how much he loves Gwen, because maybe that sells more magazines than hot unattached dudes?? Whatever, we’re not here for it. Sexy is in the eye of the beholder, but People might need some glasses for Christmas.