Sexual desires can be extremely complicated. And while we’ve come a long way as a society in terms of discussing and destigmatizing kink, there’s still some ways to go — especially involving some of the more taboo sexual topics.
One of the more misunderstood and condemned sexual kinks is consensual non-consent (CNC). Couples and sex therapist Sarah Sloan explains that CNC is when “a couple may act out some sort of violent sex act, where the submissive partner pretends to struggle, and the dominant partner pretends to exert their power and control over the sub by ‘forcing’ them to participate.”
This usually is a form of role play that involves scenarios of kidnapping or robbery and typically some sort of bondage.
Those who denounce this sexual practice often say it makes light of sexual assault and can perpetuate the blurring of lines between consent and non-consent — and this is totally fair. But as someone who is a survivor of sexual assault who also has dabbled in CNC, I have to say that there are a lot of misconceptions about the kink and how harmful it can be.
When I began experimenting with CNC, it was my own way of regaining control of my body in a situation with a trusting partner — and the act has done a lot of healing in its own way. Now, I’m in no way saying that CNC is merely a processing tactic or can only be practiced by those who have experienced sexual trauma — it is a very real kink that may actually have nothing to do with fantasies of sexual assault at all.
“The underlying desire in a CNC fantasy is often based on a partner’s desire to be ravished; they want to be so desired by their partner that their partner can’t take no for an answer,” Sloan tells Betches. “Rather than being about getting assaulted, CNC is about feeling their partner’s overwhelming need for them.”
And if you’ve had fantasies of CNC, it’s completely normal — despite what others might tell you. According to Justin Lehmiller’s research out of the Kinsey Institute, 93% of men and 96% of women have had similar fantasies.
Many people refer to CNC as a “rape fantasy,” which can lead to feelings of guilt or self-disgust in people who find themselves interested in practicing CNC. But think of any romance novel where the hero with the long flowing hair “ravishes” the damsel in distress in a corset (known as “bodice rippers”). The same ideas are in play here — desires of CNC come hand-in-hand with desires … well, to be desired.
But, as mentioned, people’s concerns around CNC aren’t unfounded — this is why it’s crucial for a safe environment before you and a partner can partake in these kinds of fantasies.
How Do I Try CNC Safely?
The key part of CNC is the “consent” part. Sloan says that when her clients are interested in trying it out, she makes sure they lay out a general road map that details the main points of “interaction and impact.” This way, both the dom and sub know what’s going to happen next.
“The best way to ensure emotional safety is for both partners to work on scripting the scene together,” she says. “They must also be aware of what is off limits for each partner, as well as any key elements that are important for each person to enjoy the fantasy.”
And, of course, you always need a safe word. And if you’re in a situation where you can’t really speak (like if your mouth is covered), it’s important to come up with some sort of alternative sign. Sloan suggests something like a hand signal or coughing three times.
She also recommends taking a kink quiz with your partner so you can lay out which sex acts are “always okay,” “okay if previously discussed,” and “never okay.” And this isn’t just a one-and-done kind of quiz: you want to make sure you check in with a partner before any CNC scenario to see if anything changes.
And as with any kind of sex, you want to make sure you’re paying attention to the aftercare.
“They need to develop a plan for aftercare to avoid “sub drop,” which usually includes providing the sub with whatever would make them feel the most loved by the dom,” Sloan says.
