Congrats, You Played Yourself: Weekly Horoscopes April 15-19

Here’s the deal: Venus is locked in with Jupiter rn, and no matter where those things are in your chart, it means everybody runs the risk of some serious burnout. It’d be a good idea to check and double-check your decisions before following through on them this week. There’s a chance you’re just doing sh*t that’s gonna make your life harder.


Boundaries, Aries. It’s time to get some. This week, you’re going to feel pressured to be the best friend that you can be, which is great, but just keep in mind that “being a good friend” and “doing every single thing everyone asks of you in spite of your own needs/mental health” are not the same thing. Grabbing drinks with a friend who is going through a breakup? Chill. Leaving work midday so you can help Rachel pick out new good-butt jeans for her date tonight? Definitely over the line.


Just like we all need to periodically go back and clear out our Instagram (still can’t believe I posted that many selfies in 2011), so too must you go back and clear out your relationships. Who are your real friends, and who are the people you’re just pretending to be friends with because they still owe you money on Venmo? Time to send them a little payment reminder, and then remove them from your life.


You’re feeling extremely career motivated this week, which is great, but wait until next week to actually present those ideas. Venus’ lock with Jupiter means you run the risk of coming off a little try-hard. Spend this week coming up with your ideas and perfecting them, but save the big presentations for next week or the week after.


You’ve been all over the place lately (both literally and figuratively) and it’s time to come back home. Take this week to check-in with all things domestic, whether it be with a little spring cleaning, or just some spring Netflix-and-chilling. Checking in with your core friend group isn’t a bad idea either, because they might be feeling slightly neglected.


Swipe with caution this week, Leo. Venus and Jupiter are doing their best to make you fall in love with literally every semi-decent face you see. Before declaring the person sitting across from you at the bar the love of your life, ask yourself one fundamental question: do you like this person because they actually seem cool, or are they just tall and have an AMEX? Proceed with caution from there.


You’re feeling sensitive and pissed off this week, which means there is a high likelihood you will lose your sh*t on at least one person. Try to mitigate that damage by setting aside a little time every day to cool tf down, whether that be by grabbing a stress ball, screaming into a pillow, or just having a good, old-fashioned freak out in the supply closet at work.


Hate to break it to you Libra, but you’re not as good a liar as you think you are. Venus and Jupiter have you feeling compelled to fib this week, but try to resist. Everyone knows you didn’t “hit traffic” on your way to work when you walk in with an iced coffee and a fresh manicure. Just saying…


It’s your job to be that bitch this week, Scorpio. While all the other signs are going crazy over Venus and Jupiter, you, for once, are the sane one. Wild, right? Take this week to dole out advice to your non-Scorpio friends and bask in being the stable one of the group. Consider it repayment for all the help they’ve given you through the years.


Exciting news, Sagittarius…it’s time to rebrand! Venus vs. Jupiter has you looking to grow, and the first order of business is to go through your social media and delete, delete, delete. Do you really need 20+ photos of your same friends and the same bar taking the same tequila shots throughout all of 2010? Probs not. Plus it’ll help down the line when your dream job pops off and jealous people go back through your Twitter history to try and get you canceled.


Way harsh, Capricorn. I’m not saying your opinions are wrong, but maybe you didn’t have to go *that* hard on Amber’s wedding theme when she asked for your opinion. There’s a way to say, “if I get invited to another barn wedding I’ll f*cking vomit,” without actually saying that, you know? Take extra time to think before you speak this week, or find yourself with a few less friends to go out with come Friday.


Put the fucking MasterCard down, Aquarius. That’s right, you made it through the weekend, but you’re still at risk of blowing through your entire monthly budget in a single day if you’re not careful. Plan some cheap (or preferably free) activities now, and stock up on groceries so you can avoid convincing yourself you need to Postmates a $50 sushi boat. You don’t.


Unfortunately, Pisces, there is a dark side to being so popular, and you’re feeling it right now. You’re facing a lot of pressure to show up for friends, events, coworkers, etc this week, but don’t forget to show up for yourself. They’ll survive not having you at happy hour this once. Seriously.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.