Check Yourself: Weekly Horoscopes September 14-18

Passions run high with Venus in Leo forming a 90-degree square with Uranus in Taurus this week, setting up the ultimate contest between head and heart. Yeah, you want to just say f*ck it and run into the woods with any marginally attractive person with antibodies, but your logical side is here to remind you that you f*cking hate the woods and this guy has a neckbeard. The good news: the stars are aligned for some very good sex. So at least there’s that.


Reality check, Aries! This week you may be forced to deal with some hard truths about a situation—or should I say situationship—that you’ve been avoiding. Sorry, but it can’t all be fun and games. (See also: every single thing that’s happened in 2020).


With passions high, tensions could flare in a way your typically chilled out sign is not accustomed to dealing with this week, Taurus. Can’t we all just smoke a bowl get along? Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, even if it means disrupting the chill vibes to give someone a much needed reality check. They’ll thank you later. Or not. Not really your problem.


You’re in denial, Gemini. Don’t deny it. Take some time this week to get your head on straight and decide what path you want to take. You don’t have to decide right this second, but you do have to decide eventually. Preferably this century. After a nice long walk.


Repeat after me, Cancer: you are not everyone’s mom. Your mommy sensibility has been kicked into high gear lately (understandable), but did you know you are also a person to be taken care of? You’re about to crack under the pressure of holding up the world. Take a step back and recenter. The kids can cut the crust off their own sandwiches this week.


Don’t lose sight of your goals, Leo! All that glitters is not gold and you’re in danger of getting caught up in the hype while forgetting what’s really important. The fame and glory is great and all, but you want to get it for actually doing something. Unless your goal is to be an influencer, in which case go for it.


Something you’ve been bottling up could come exploding out at an inopportune time this week. Unless, of course, you choose to handle it thoughtfully first. Don’t let this situation get into a “last straw” scenario. We’ve all seen Snapped. We know how that ends.


Sorry to say this, Libra, but the world is here to interrupt your chill. Your peaceful bubble is getting passionately burst this week. Yeah, it might bring drama. But drama is the spice of life! Or at least that’s what Bravo tells me.


Time to reassess your commitments, Scorpio. Are there some things that you agreed to at the beginning of quarantine that no longer serve your late-stage quarantine life? Now may be the time to extricate yourself from an unfulfilling situation. I bet your college friends are low-key sick of the twice-weekly Zoom happy hours as well.


Hold off on any big decisions regarding your love life this week Sagittarius. Your head isn’t on straight. Passions are running high and the things you feel strongly about this week could barely be a blip on your radar the next. Blame it on the planets and keep him on read just a little bit longer.


Embrace spontaneity this week, Capricorn! Even though that’s so not your thing. Some unexpected opportunities could pop up in your love life, and it’s your job to go with the flow. Remember, rom-coms would be pretty boring if none of our leading ladies ever followed up on that hot guy they ran into on the street. (Like, literally ran into on the street and was almost hit by a car.)


Strap into the emotional rollercoaster this week Aquarius, cuz you’re on it. Might as well throw your hands up and enjoy the ride. And yes, the rules of regular roller coasters do apply in that you’re allowed to scream as loud as you want at the scary parts.


Time to turn off that empathy chip for your own survival, Pisces. You’ve been so bombarded with other people’s emotions lately you can hardly deal with your own. Tune out the noise and tune into yourself. I promise the group chat will still be in crisis when you return.

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.