This Psycho Internet Writer Is Jealous Of Her Fiancé's Prom Date

Well folks, it happened again. Some silly fool wrote a bad think piece (question: does it count as a “think piece” if no thought went into it?) and now it is the solemn duty of every breathing person to roast them. The think piece in question, entitled “You May Have Worn The Prom Dress With Him, But I Get To Wear The Wedding Dress” and written by blogger/living embodiment of the other woman in The Parent Trap Victoria Higgins, is about that age-old feeling of being such a nightmare as a person that you’re legit mad at your fiancé for going to prom. We’ve all been there.

Let’s break this down, stupid paragraph by stupid paragraph:

“High school seems like the best time of your life when you are in it. You think that all of your friends will be with you until the end, and that you will end up with whoever you are dating your senior year. For very few, that might just be the case. For all others, that is far from true.”

So, from the very first sentence we know this article is going to be what we in the media biz call “a steaming pile of dog shit.” Does high school seem like the best time when you are in it? I feel like the conventional wisdom on high school is that it seems like the worst time when you are in it, unless Victoria Higgins is one of the 1% of people who peaked in 10th grade. TBH, that seems very likely here.

“I wish I could say that I am sorry it didn’t work out for you, but I can’t. I can’t because he is mine now, and I get to cherish him forever. You didn’t do that right, and you were not meant to be together. You will find someone too, but I am happy that you were not the one for him.”

Oh Lord, okay. So, first of all, what evidence do you have that this mysterious previous prom date gives all of two shits that you’re marrying someone she danced to “Get Low” with four years ago? After reading this paragraph, I am 100% sure that the prom date in question dumped this guy for having a weird penis in 2013 and never interacted with him again until she liked his wedding announcement on Facebook, sending Victoria Higgins into the rage spiral that is this article. Convince me otherwise.

“I wish I could say that I am sorry it didn’t work out for you, but I can’t. I can’t because he is mine now, and I get to cherish him forever. You didn’t do that right, and you were not meant to be together. You will find someone too, but I am happy that you were not the one for him.”

“He is mine now!” Victoria declared, stepping into a suit made of her fiancé’s flesh, while Paramore’s “Misery Business” blared in the background. “I will cherish him forever!” She shrieked, donning a cap made of his eyelashes. “I AM HAPPY!!!!!”

“Sometimes I have issues with jealousy…”

OKAY STOP. STOP RIGHT THERE. This right here should be the title of your article. In fact, it should be the entirety of your article. And instead of an article, it should just be a thought that you express to your therapist. End of notes.

“…I hate that you got all of the high school stuff with him. You got to go to games and support him. It kills me that I couldn’t be there for him because I know I would have actually been there wholeheartedly. I would have done it out of love, not as a popularity appearance.”

JK I have some more notes. So as far as I can tell, the bride-to-be is just mad that she didn’t go to her fiancé’s high school. That’s literally just how most relationships work. “I didn’t know you when you had acne and got boners from a light breeze, HOW WILL WE REAR A CHILD?”

Again, what evidence do we have that said prom date regrets her relationship with your fiancé at all? Did she go to his games as a “popularity appearance”? Maybe. She was in high school. High schoolers do all sorts of shit for popularity. Need I remind you that earlier this year they were literally eating TidePods for the ‘Gram?

“I hate that you got to go to all of the school dances with him. He got to see you all dressed up and probably told you how great you looked. I’m sure you did look great. Prom dresses were always fun to pick out and so colorful. It was exciting to match colors with your date. I am sure you had fun choosing his matching tux to your dress.”

So like, did Victoria Higgins go to prom? Has she ever dated anyone apart from her current fiancé? What does she think goes on at school dances that is so magical?

Victoria, darling, here’s what probably went down between your boyfriend and this girl: She picked out whatever dress she wanted and then told his mom what color it was and his mom bought him a pocket square that matched, the two of them spent too much money on a party bus, took shots of Burnetts in the bathroom, danced to top 40s hits, fingered each other, and went home because one or both of them has strict parents. Is that really what you want? Is this the life you desire?

“I find myself getting jealous, but then I stop…”

Nope. No you don’t. No evidence of stopping to be found.

“…I am getting to match his tux with our wedding colors. I got to go dress shopping in a sea of white, and he doesn’t get to know one detail about that dress yet. He will get to see me walk down the aisle and then every day forever. I get to love him forever.”

“I get to love him forever. Every day forever. Forever. Forever. Forever.” — Victoria Higgins to her fiancé’s lifeless corpse as she buries him under the floorboards.

“I try to not get jealous of all of the things you got with him…”

Try harder, honey.

“…because it is all in the past. You had your time, and now I get the wedding. You got to dress up in high school, but I get to dress up for my wedding with him. He may have put a corsage on your wrist, but he will be putting the wedding ring on my finger.”

“I get the wedding.” — BITCH NOBODY SAID THEY WANTED YOUR DAMN WEDDING. It’s not “the” wedding. It’s “a” wedding. Whoever this prom date is can also get married at any time, if she so chooses. Then she will have both worn a wedding dress *and* sloppily made out with your boyfriend to the latest Rihanna single until some nearby parent pulled them apart. She literally can have both. Unless you show up at her wedding and light her on fire, which I’m 90% sure you’re already planning to do.

So, after reading whatever this is, I took a 10 minute detox and promptly got to Googling Victoria Higgins and, surprise surprise, this is not the first stupid thought she’s had. In fact, she is an encyclopedia of bad takes and stupid thoughts.

Her other essays include titles such as, “A Thank You To The Girls Who Didn’t Love Him Right”, (are we sensing a pattern here?) and “To Those Who Think I Am Too Young For Marriage” (you are) and “Thank You To My Future In-Laws For Giving Me My Person” (tack “To Kill” on the end of that one and it’d be more accurate).

Vicky, if you’re reading this, get thee to a therapist. Prom Date, if you’re reading this, get thee to legal zoom and then get thee a restraining order. Fiancé, if you’re reading this, TBH I’m just glad your future wife lets you have reading materials in the basement where she keeps you.
Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.