Men have rightfully pointed out how ridiculous girl math is. Women shouldn’t need a reason to justify their spending, especially when it’s on things society has taught them they need. They shouldn’t feel guilty about buying new makeup when they get told they’re hideous without it. They also shouldn’t be blamed for the pink tax causing all their products to be so much more expensive.
Thanks for highlighting that for us, men! In return for your kindness, we’ve taken a moment to work out some special boy math just for you. Now you can join in on all the fun. Here are some examples of how boy math works so well, and will help your relationship to thrive.
1. 5’9” now measures 6′
There is no better example of boy math than height. Men are extremely skilled in rounding up their numbers, whether that’s turning the six women they’ve slept with into 15, or casually claiming they’re 6 feet tall.
This is one of the most audacious examples of boy math, as we literally have eyes. We can see that you’re not 6 feet. No one would’ve minded you being 5’9″, but now we’ve got to question what else you’re lying about…
2. Mocking fandoms as you cry about football
OMG, girls are just way too into Taylor Swift, I could never date a Swiftie UGH! The BeyHive? How pathetic!
Excuse me while I put on a football jersey with another man’s name, spend hours watching them trot across a field, bawl my eyes out if they lose, spend additional hours playing a pretend version of the game online with my friends, and then return to make fun of more women’s interests.
But it doesn’t count when it’s a sport, right? Like a woman writing and performing her own songs is lame, but men catching a ball is the height of cool.
You keep your interests and I’ll keep mine.
3. The only answer to “Did you come?”
This is a rhetorical question in case you weren’t aware! The only answer to “Did you come?” is “Yes!” Sometimes with the additional mention of how it was the best sex of your life, obviously, and how he has the largest goods in all of Texas. Sex will never be the same again, excuse me while I pop into the bathroom and don’t mind the buzzing sound of my electric toothbrush…
That’s why men don’t always need to bother even asking this, as there’s only one answer. Boy math is knowing that a woman ALWAYS finishes with them, orgasm gap or none. He’s the exception to the rule. He knows how to please a woman without trying anything. Keep hammering into her and it’ll definitely work, bro, even if it doesn’t work for the others.
4. You don’t want kids, so you…
Not wanting kids + not bringing condoms = No kids! Right?
Men understand math and probability so well that they know you definitely won’t get pregnant from the casual sex you have with them, as it’s just casual! You can’t pregnant from a situationship, your ovaries know the difference. Zero condoms in their pocket and zero problems in nine months.
Also insisting on not using a condom because it JUST FEELS BETTER and then being angry at having to pay child support is a wonderful example of the maths adding up just right.
5. Keeping an eye out for gold diggers
Ugh, so many women nowadays are gold diggers. They’re trying to come for men’s money. These men are the proud owners of a mattress on the ground (no bed frame) and they’re going to request a prenup to ensure it stays that way! It doesn’t matter that she earns $20k more per year, she is definitely just after his money.
Boy maths is knowing you always have to be on the lookout for gold diggers, even if you have absolutely nothing to offer them.
6. Wifey but not a girlfriend
Ladies, you have to understand that men just don’t want to settle down right now. They’re only 39 years old and in the prime of their lives. They want all the benefits of a wifey package but without a label. So if you wouldn’t mind cooking, cleaning, stroking their ego, laughing at their jokes, listening to their rants, watching the football with them, being a surrogate mother to them, and everything else, that would be great.
Ew, but don’t expect to be a girlfriend, this is just casual dating! Have you never been in a situationship? Expecting to hear from them on your birthday is like super clingy, you need to chill, this is turning very bunny boiler of you.
7. Babysitting your own kids
There is nothing sexier than a man choosing to babysit his kids on his time off. Like he works just as many hours as his wife, and he is choosing to stay in on a Saturday morning while she gets groceries and handles all the errands. What a hero!
I just love that it is possible for men to babysit their own offspring. I couldn’t imagine a woman ever “babysitting,” it would be just regular old childrearing. It’s so fun that men get this term and applause for doing it!
8. Pushing her to dump you
The math is simple. If she dumps him, he’s the victim. If he dumps her, he’s the bad guy. And we all know which one will get him laid more easily.
So all he has to do is ensure he gets dumped. Now that’s when things get rather fun. As it becomes a game of seeing just how far you can push her before she breaks. Flirt with other women, ignore her messages, refuse to pull your weight in the household. Call her “crazy” a few times, roll your eyes and say, “Okay, Mom” when she’s doing the exact thing you asked her to do, and gaslight her into thinking you never said anything bad.
Once in a while, throw in a moment of affection or a kind gesture to really make it confusing. Then when she finally dumps you, she’ll even apologize for it and feel terrible. She’ll definitely be down for some breakup sex to tide you over until you find your next victim girlfriend.
9. All my exes are crazy!!
It must be so difficult to have to deal with so many crazy exes. Guys are walking around with half a dozen psycho exes who really messed them up, and they’re completely innocent to it all. It’s just a funny coincidence that every single woman they dated turned out to be crazy, and not a cause-and-effect in the slightest. Life can be so cruel to good guys and keep sending them women who somehow go mad during the length of the relationship.
10. I DO CHORES!
It’s not about the time spent on chores, it’s not about the difficulty of chores, it’s about exactly how many you do. It’s simple math, so no wonder women struggle so much to come to terms with this.
If he takes out the trash, she should cook the entire meal. If he puts up a shelf, she should handle the laundry and fold it away. If he picks up milk from the grocery store, she should do the next full weekly shop. If he feeds the dog, she should take it for a walk.
What do you mean he’s not pulling his weight? Women be cray, am I right?
11. Knowing exactly why you were dumped
It doesn’t matter what she says, if it was because he cheated, or that he was still looking at his exes nudes, because he knows the real reason he was dumped.
It’s because he doesn’t earn enough money, isn’t it? Or because he isn’t 6 feet tall. Don’t even try to deny it, because he knows the real reason. No one can convince him otherwise. The math ain’t mathing in his head. He’ll hold onto this reason with a fierce grudge and hate all women for it! Then it’s okay for him to treat women badly, as that one girl in high school screwed him up!
