Back To School Vibes: Weekly Horoscopes August 26-30

No matter how long it’s been since you’ve had an actual back to school, the back to school energy is in the air, and it’s time to get your sh*t together. Is it any wonder that this very special time of year falls directly in the middle of Virgo season? The stars work in mysterious ways… Here’s what you need to know this week so you can get things on track, whether it’s in the classroom, the boardroom, or the bedroom.


Last week’s Virgo wellness energy is continuing into this week as you stay focused on health and self-care. I’m talkin’ green smoothies. I’m talkin’ superfoods. I’m talkin’ HIIT classes that make you feel like you want to vomit, or die, or vomit and then die. No pain, no gain Aries! But it’ll all be worth it when you can finally open a jar of pickles without asking for assistance.


Focus up, Taurus! You’ve been getting distracted by shiny objects lately (understandable), but it’s time to cultivate some appreciation for the sh*t that’s right in front of you. What are you thankful for right now? By taking a little time this week to appreciate what you have, you’ll be more refreshed and ready for all the amazing things to come!


Put on your fluffiest robe and slip on your house shoes, because this week is all about the comforts of home, Gemini! The stars are giving you permission to cancel every last plan you thought you had this week and trade them in for seven consecutive nights of couch potato-ing. And after a full summer of being a social butterfly, you f*cking need it. Don’t be afraid to hibernate! Your fans—I mean friends—will still be there when you return.


You’re still floating around like the social butterfly you are this week, Cancer, and channels of communication are open. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself going deep in the group chat, or missing half the party because you got caught up talking about the meaning of life. Human interaction in fueling you right now, so take it where you can get it. Just remember, your server doesn’t actually want to hear your life story. They’re just a person working for tips.


Summer is (basically) over, Leo, and it’s time to get serious. Specifically, it’s time to get serious about money. Gone are the days when you spend your entire paycheck on last minute beach trips. The holidays will be here sooner than you think, and IOUs are not acceptable presents. Start saving now and wow everyone with your gift giving abilities come December. (And who loves wow-ing everyone more than a Leo??)


Finally! It’s your season, and for exactly one month people will care about having their sh*t together as much as you do. Okay so, nobody actually cares about having their sh*t together as much as you do, but they’re trying and you appreciate it. Okay, no you don’t, but still…it’s not a bad thing. Don’t be surprised if you have a lot of people hitting you up for advice this week, hoping to steal some of that Virgo glow for themselves. Just remember, you can’t fix everyone. Don’t even try.


You’re a hurricane of creativity right now Libra, so don’t let it go to waste! Now is the perfect time to sign up for a local drink-and-draw class, or to bust out the ol’ adult coloring book and start coloring in those lines—or don’t color in the lines. I don’t want to stifle you. Just be sure to find a healthy outlet for your creativity so it doesn’t burst out in the form of increasingly creative new insults for your ex.


Connect with your inner Billie Eilish this week and let your freak flag fly, Scorpio! You’re not in the mood for anything mundane or “normal,” so it’s time to hit up your weirdest friend (you know, the one who moved to a cannabis commune and changed her name to ‘Star Fruit’) and embrace the odd! I’m not saying you have to go full Midsommar, but a little Halloween-in-August energy never hurt anybody.


Goooooooooooals! You’re all about them this week, Sagittarius. Don’t be surprised if career advancements and opportunities find you. The stars are aligned for some major money moves this week, so keep an eye out for opportunities in unexpected places and get ready to shine. Even if you’re not feeling particularly motivated yourself, put on your best boss b*tch face and fake it ‘til you make it. You’ll be happy that you did.


Fun fact, Capricorn: in Greek mythology, Capricorn was represented by Pan, aka the “horny sea goat” of the zodiac. And you’re uh…embracing that ancestry this week. Yep. That’s right. It’s sexy time. The work that you put in to shake up your love life last week is coming (literally) to fruition this week, so maybe keep those nights open. Actually, you might wanna keep your mornings open too. Just saying…


Keep an eye out for romantic connections in unexpected places this week, Aquarius. Maybe it’s time for a recalibration of your standards? Not saying you need to start dating someone who still lives with their mom and thinks cargo shorts are fancy, but maybe you don’t have to swipe left on anyone under 6’7. There are plenty of 6’5-ers out there who are also deserving of love. (And you can always make them wear lifts if necessary).


You’re another sign that’s feeling the urge to flirt this week, Pisces, and your best bet may be someone outside your typical type. Worse case scenario: you have a subpar hook up with someone you weren’t really sure you’d like that much anyway. Best case scenario: turns out your mailman was the love of your life all along. Who knew?!?!

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.