Hello, all my cool cats and kittens! Welcome back to another wild week of The Bachelorette! I know anxiety is at an all-time high right now as we wait to see if our democracy will crumble beneath a very orange man’s feet, BUT I appreciate you all mustering up the energy to watch Clare doodle Dale’s name in her diary for one more week. We’re all in this together.
Speaking of Clare, last week’s episode ended with Clare straight-up refusing to hand out a group date rose like I’ve been straight-up refusing to wear a bra to my Zoom meetings. Her reasoning for this was that her connection with Dale is more intimate than the ones she has with the other men in the house and she didn’t want to give out a rose if she didn’t mean it. Honestly, I believe her. I’ve seen her smell Dale’s jockstrap like it was a pumpkin spice Yankee candle at a fall holiday sale. If that’s not evidence of
delusion love then I don’t know what is!!
Clare ditched the group date early to go snuggle up to more of Dale’s dirty laundry leaving the men to begin planning their hostile takeover.
THE MEN AFTER LAST WEEK’S EPISODE:
Which brings us to this week: Chris Harrison pops by Clare’s suite to casually ask her wtf she thinks she’s doing. He says the men aren’t happy and that’s a really nice way of saying that they’ve constructed Clare and Dale voodoo dolls out of the hotel’s complimentary soap and stolen hair follicles from Dale’s razor.
I am completely enraptured by Clare trying to explain her connection with Dale. She’s like, “he’s everything I ever wanted in a man!”and, to be fair, she did describe a stock photo of a human man at the beginning of the season when Chris asked, and Dale is a stock photography model. She asked, ABC delivered!
Chris starts grilling Clare about if the two of them had a relationship pre-production. Clare says she never met Dale in real life, she just stalked him on Instagram before the show, and that is the most 2020 thing I’ve ever heard.
CLARE: So, I think I need to halt with production and pursue the guy who posted a shirtless selfie on Mother’s Day.
CHRIS HARRISON: Congratulations, we are so happy for you!
ALSO CHRIS HARRISON:
I think my favorite part about Clare revealing her feelings for Dale is that Chris is going to have to actually earn his paycheck for once. Not only does he have to plan a romantic evening (and potentially a proposal!), but he has to face a mob of angry men in skinny jeans. I feel for his predicament, I really do.
Chris tells the guys there won’t be a rose ceremony tonight—there might not be a rose ceremony for the rest of the season—and the look of absolute horror and despair on the faces of these men as they watch their future Instagram sponcon deals go up in flames will sustain my life force for years to come.
Chris pulls Dale aside and tells him that the final rose is his if he wants it, and I can’t tell if he’s alarmed or not. I feel like maybe she should have had this discussion with Dale before canceling the rose ceremony, but maybe that’s just me.
Alone At Last: Clare & Dale Go On A Date
Clare is here to remind us that she’s a rule breaker and she’s wearing that red dress of sin to prove it. Meanwhile, Dale walks out in looking fresh as hell in that black suit, and my breathing just audibly hitched. I’m starting to get why Clare was willing to break contract and risk ABC’s wrath. Damn, that man is fine. I mean, let’s be honest, I’ve blown up my life on numerous occasions for men whose idea of romance starts with showing me “the views” from their rooftop and ends with them asking for a BJ on said rooftop. So, like, you do you, boo boo.
Okay, hold up. They haven’t even had a one-on-one date yet?! I just assumed they had, but I guess the two hours she held him hostage on the last group date didn’t count.
We find out that they have more in common than just a desire to see each other naked, their parents were both hitchhikers! This feels like grasping at straws, but I’ll let them have it, I suppose.
It’s fascinating to watch the two of them try to describe their connection because they truly can’t. They keep talking about each other’s auras and how they “feel so much” for each other but then cannot describe one single quality they like about each other. I’ve seen girls waiting in line for the bathroom who have more in common with each other than these two.
CLARE: When I go to bed I think about you
Clare, please, we don’t need to hear any more about your sexual proclivities! We already heard all about your kink for using Dale’s pants as a pillowcase. Enough.
Oh my god is that… Bri and Chris from Listen To Your Heart?! At first I was like “who the f*ck are these people?” and then that scarf blew in the wind and I knew. So, I guess their careers are really taking off now. Imagine if ABC promised you a record deal and a cross-country tour and then this is the biggest audience they’ve played for since March. How very bleak.
Enamored with each other, Dale and Clare take their horny asses back to Clare’s room. Are they going to bang?! Just like that?! This isn’t even a Fantasy Suites date! Chris is going to spontaneously combust from all the rule breaking, I swear.
Cut to the next morning and Clare’s dress is on the floor, which I guess is supposed to mean that the two did, in fact, bang. I mean, at least it looks like it was a good lay? Dale’s got lipstick all over his face and Clare’s fake lashes are all askew. If that’s not evidence of a wild night of missionary with the lights left on, then I don’t know what is!!
Lmao these dogs waiting for their hoe mom to come home. My dog has never felt more seen.
Dale says he didn’t expect for things to happen this quickly. He was only expecting an over-the-pants handie, not full-blown intercourse. You and me both, buddy!
Chris Harrison checks back in with Clare and I’m just glad she finally changed out of that silk robe. I was worried she was going to spend the whole day posted up like the Wife of Bath, smoking after-sex cigarettes and looking longingly at Dale’s Instagram feed. She starts recapping the night for Chris and you can tell he’s skeptical at Clare’s recollection of events. He’s like, “did he say he loves you or did he just post a heart emoji on Instagram?” The distinction is important, Clare!
Okay, I feel like they are assuming A LOT in this conversation. Namely, that Dale is ready to propose. Like, has anyone told Dale that the next stop on this crazy train is a proposal? Cause I’m pretty sure he thought this was like a Cassie/Colton situation where they could just sleep together and leave the show with loose labels for each other.
The Group Date
The group date for this week is just going to be one massive dumping of all the men. I guess not for all the SkinnyGirl margaritas in the world could Chris Harrison be bribed to face this crowd one more time, so Clare has to put on her big girl panties and do it herself. I’m positively giddy with excitement.
Clare tells the men that she’s running off to be with Dale, and this proclamation is met with dead silence. It’s like that moment in Bring It On where Torrance drops the Spirit Stick: dead silence and then strangled sobs of abject horror.
ME, WHISPERING TO MY DOG: run, bitch!
For the most part the men seem pissed but accepting of her decision. They ask if she had a relationship with Dale before the show and she denies it. I can tell they want to be angrier with her, but know they don’t have a real leg to stand on here. She says it was love at first sight, she supposedly played by all the rules, so how can they fault her? Then Kenny the “boy band” manager (and I’m using air quotes here because managing talent best known for their performance at the local bowling alley in Kenny’s hometown does not a boy band manager make!) starts demanding apologies from Clare and it’s like, okay, I can’t take not one more white guy asking for an apology this year. I know it’s kind of sh*tty, but she made her decision and that’s it. I’m tired of women having to defend not wanting to spend time with men. She doesn’t owe you ANYTHING, Kenny, especially not her time or her emotions.
Blake is also upset at this turn of events. He says that he’s just disappointed that he invested so much time into his relationship with Clare and it’s like, you put your life on hold for three weeks, sweetie. Come on. I’ve seen your Instagram, Blake, you’ve taken longer vacations to Tulum.
For those of you who didn’t come into this recap having actually watched the episode: Yes, you read that right. THE PROPOSAL. We are getting a full-on final rose ceremony even if it kills Chris Harrison (and by the looks of his rapidly graying temples, it just might!).
The cameras pan to an isolated Dale, who is contemplating if the sex was worth all of this. Honestly, I’m not sure, bud. Chris Harrison sits down with Dale to tell him that Neil Lane is on speed dial, ready to air lift some of his last-season diamonds onto the La Quinta property any minute now. On another unrelated note, he asks Dale to blink once if this is a hostage situation. Y’all, the look Dale is giving Chris Harrison right now is truly priceless. I can only imagine he gave a similar one when his agent approached him with that Party City deal.
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Clare worries Dale might not propose and she should be worried. This is moving pretty fast, even by Bachelor standards. She makes a bold proclamation that she always gets left waiting at the altar and it’s like, um, are we just not going to talk about Winter Games ever? Her French Canadian lover proposed to her on “After the Final Rose” so, like, Clare you’re lying. ABC, roll the tapes!
Clare shows up to the final rose ceremony and I’m suspicious of her dress choice. Why is it white? Is she about to throw in a surprise wedding ceremony too?
Okay, why is Chris Harrison walking towards Clare and not Dale?! The closer Chris gets to Clare the more she looks like she’s about to have a 2007 Britney-level meltdown in front of the cameras. She’s like, “are you here to devastate me??” and Chris just cackles.
Okay, that was so cruel of him. You know that was payback for making him have to lift one additional finger and I feel like that’s only the start of his revenge plan.
Oh god, Dale came! And he doesn’t even look lost or anything! This is a good sign, Clare.
CLARE: From the moment I met you, you were everything I ever wanted in a man. You’re strong, you’re kind, your Instagram is fire—
Smooth, Clare. Real smooth.
Dale’s up next and it sounds very much like he’s going to propose and this is so f*cking wild, y’all. They are strangers! Like, what! Is! Happening! What’s more wild is that after Dale gets down on one knee, Clare thanks him for showing up to the rose ceremony. I’m DEAD. The bar is so low here. Girl.
Dale proposes, Clare says yes, and before they even get to pop a bottle of champagne ABC is already hauling out Tayshia from behind a bush, ready to shove her into a cocktail party with Clare’s sloppy seconds. I guess that’s all the happy ending they’re willing to film for the contestant who committed Bachelor treason. Ever happiness to you both, though!
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The Rose Ceremony
Yes, for those of you who didn’t watch the episode, A ROSE CEREMONY. Back at the hotel, the men are still feeling really down. They took off two weeks of their life for Clare! They could have been under strict quarantine at home binge watching Criminal Minds in its entirety and sending “u up?” messages that lead to nowhere to girls in their DMs! Instead she gifted them with a lavish vacation, free alcohol and publicity for whatever brand they’re going to promote on their Instagrams after this, and even threw in a little bit of tongue for a select few. How dare she treat them this way!!
Just as their spirits are truly about to break, Chris Harrison swoops in to tell them to buckle up, bitches, because they have a backup plan and her name is Tayshia. Well, technically, he just says that “someone” will be taking over Clare’s spot as Bachelorette, so for all we know it could be the front desk girl. Chris tells the men they have six hours to forget Clare’s name, get dressed, and get emotionally ready to tell a new woman about how bad their parents’ divorce f*cked them up. Ready, set, break!
Jason, the guy who was forced into an intimate therapy session with Clare, looks ill at the prospect of having to show genuine human emotion to one more woman in his life. Another guy is worried that he won’t be able to “turn off” his feelings for Clare. The fact that I cannot even remember his name means he definitely did not receive enough air time to have even spoken to Clare more than three times, let alone form an “intimate” connection with her. Seriously, who are these guys kidding? Of course they’re staying.
— Stephanie (@scde_de) November 6, 2020
Well, well, well. It looks like every single man decides to stay! Color me shocked. I guess they’re really focused on finding
Though the suspense must be killing the men, the episode ends with Tayshia stepping out of the limo and walking into
her doom the rose ceremony. We’ll have to wait until next week to see which of the men has one too many spritzers and drunkenly calls Tayshia Clare at the next rose ceremony. Until then!
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