The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: 50 Shades Of Please Stop Talking

I think I speak for all of us when I start this recap off by saying: OFF WITH HER HEAD!!! I am, of course, referring to Queen Victoria. (Not the matriarch of the most famous royal bloodline in history, but the matriarch of slob kabobs. You get it.) Thus far on The Bachelor we’ve been treated, and what a treat, to two episodes that are entirely too Victoria-content-heavy. Normally, I quite enjoy a villain. The manipulation, the pettiness, the drunkenly slurred insults—you could say that I see something of myself in them. But it’s almost insulting to suggest that Victoria, of the black bra straps and smudgy eyeliner and puffy under eyes—that Victoria—is a threat to anything other than the tenuous grasp I have on my sanity. But alas, I saw production put a wig on a mop and call it a “ghost” on a haunted group date last season, so there’s really no limit to how far they’ll bend reality for the success of a plot line. 

Which brings us back to the rose ceremony! When last we left off, Queen V had set her sights on annihilating the weakest link in the group: Marylynn. To be fair, she did choose her mark well. Marylynn seems like the kind of girl who apologizes if a stranger sneezes across the street. Victoria, meanwhile, is the kind of girl who would cut a girl’s brakes if she were running against her for Alpha Delta Pi social chair. Mar Mar really didn’t stand a chance. 

Okay, I forgot about the Sarah fainting thing. It seems the girl has been watching a little too much Bridgerton. That’s a total Lady Cowper move. I love how the medic is all “do you need oxygen?? A hospital??” and she waves him off like she’s good with just a few hits of Matt’s cologne. Yeahhh, I’m starting to think this was less about Sarah feeling a little lightheaded and more about Sarah feeling a little manipulative. 

Honestly, I’ve never seen a room so quickly and thoroughly decide to forgive one villain and revile another. I guess all the prayer circle Jesus talk is reserved for asking God to forgive your sin of eating carbs before 11am, not wishing a girl who’s already face-planted once this evening extensive bodily harm. Got it. 

KHAYLAH: Do I feel bad for Sarah? Yes. Of course. But also…

WHAT. HE GIVES VICTORIA THE ROSE?! She legit looks like she showed up to the rose ceremony hungover after a 10-day bender that involved several bar fights and zero sleep. How could he pick her!! I would love to hear Marylynn’s take on all of this. No, seriously. I’ve heard leaves rustle at a higher decibel than how she’s talking directly into a mic rn. 

The Group Date

Today’s group date theme is “get uncomfortable”,  which is funny because is that not also the tagline of this franchise? I mean honestly, what’s more uncomfortable than the entire premise of this show? I’m sorry, but a man dating 30 women at once? And each “date” involves a scenario that is either mildly pornographic or offensive to some cultures/religions/etc.? In any other world this would be grounds for a Special Victims Unit investigation at the very least. 

Ah, I see the real reason for this date. It’s a shameless plug for Chris Harrison’s “erotic” romance novel! I love how Matt asked for “uncomfortable” and Chris Harrison immediately thought of the content of his book. At least he understands his own writing! 

The ladies are told to write an erotic next chapter featuring themselves and Matt James. Not only will this be an exercise in creative writing, but they will also be doing a public reading of their work just in case physically writing the words “moist for you” wasn’t punishment enough. Tbh, I truly can’t wait to hear these girls (who were saying the Lord’s Prayer but a week ago!) now go into public and excruciating detail about all the things they’d like to do with Matt James’ penis. It’s about to go from “our father who art in heaven” to “daddy can I” real f*cking quick.

As I anticipated, this is a train wreck. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable in my life. Matt keeps saying how proud he is of the vulnerability these girls are displaying, but my idea of vulnerability does not involve turning the comments section of an OnlyFans post into a seductive Haiku. It just doesn’t. Kit starts talking about fingertips down her spine, Dildo Girl looks like she’s a minute away from busting out her X-rated Harry Potter fanfic for the occasion (she totally looks the type, don’t lie!), and Victoria’s has more redactions than one of Trump’s tweets. I’m pretty sure the college creative writing degree in me just shuddered in disgust. 

No one walks away from that date feeling more confident than Dildo Girl. A sex positive date that involves honest conversations with your partner (and the 29 other authors of his “special stories”) about sexual pleasure? If she doesn’t shine on this date, then there’s truly no hope for her. 

Dildo Girl, riding off a high from saying the word “pussy” on stage and not even giggling a little, gets about three minutes to bask in Matt’s praise before Sarah shows up to crash the group date. GOD, SARAH, CAN YOU LET THE GIRL HAVE HER MOMENT? She doesn’t even have a name on this franchise yet! Her face is still synonymous with a Spencer’s gag gift! Poor Dildo Girl. This all just feels needlessly cruel. 

All right, I don’t love that Matt is entertaining this. As far as I can tell, Sarah crashed the group date because she was feeling anxious… that he was dating other girls… on The Bachelor

SARAH: It’s just that you’re dating all of these other girls at the same time as me…
MATT AND ALL OF AMERICA RN:

Don’t act like you’ve never watched The Bachelor before, Sarah! This isn’t some newfangled plot line shocking the nation. Mike Fleiss has been peddling this show’s demented format since before you were born. Seriously, you’re killing my vibe. Go home. 

Sarah leaves the group date and is only just able to narrowly escape being sacrificed on an altar by Victoria and her mob rule. The ladies are not happy. I’m sorry, but what did Sarah expect? Girls get mad when you use the same IG caption as them, let alone steal their five minutes of allotted alone time with their boyfriend. 

With that in mind, I now declare the winner of this group date to be Dildo Girl. I mean, she’s not technically the winner, Matt ends up giving the group date rose to Rachael, but in my eyes she deserves a standing f*cking ovation. Not only did she stand up to Sarah, but she also made sure the time she managed to wheedle out of Matt was as awful and awkward as possible. I genuinely didn’t think she had the balls. I’m so proud of her I might even start using her real name in these recaps! Lol, I know. I shouldn’t get too carried away. 

Serena P’s One-On-One Date

Serena P gets the one-on-one date this week, and I can’t believe there are so many Serenas on this season that production needed to differentiate them by using the first letter of each of their last names. Are the girls so young now that their moms were big Gossip Girl fans or something? Where is this coming from? 

For their date they go on a romantic horseback ride. It’s all very Sandals honeymoon meets PA quarantine. I guess I’m just impressed that this season ABC has been able to come up with dates that don’t involve the camera crew papier-mâché-ing background sets together before the couple shows up. The bar is so low. 

Serena P seems like a real human being. She’s being flirty but in a way that doesn’t feel airbrushed or like she’s reenacting jokes she saw on TikTok first. Do I think they like each other? Eh, I wouldn’t go that far. I can’t say I’m really sensing any chemistry. Like, if this were the real world he would probably bring her as a date to company happy hours or text her during daylight hours, but would definitely ghost her the first time she asked “what are we?” Ya know? These are the vibes he’s giving off.

Their future is so bright.  

Okay, Matt talking about his spinster mother feels like a personal attack to my character. He’s like, “I worry she’s going to grow old and die alone.” Well what would you have her do, Matthew? She’s already a single mom and now she’s got to explain to future dates that, no, her son doesn’t have a sex tape per se. He just had fantasy suite dates. THE WORLD IS TRASH, MATT. LEAVE HER BE. 

Matt gives Serena the date rose, which isn’t really surprising. What is surprising is that Sarah didn’t manage to infiltrate their date somehow by pretending to be a piece of shrubbery in the background. 

The Sarah Show

Sarah has had quite the storyline this week. Here I was thinking that last week’s rose ceremony would go down like Scar’s last stand in The Lion King with Queen V and her exposed bra straps going down in a fiery blaze after being devoured alive by the hyenas she thought she’d had in line. And yet! She still lives! Not only is she still on this show, but Sarah—fashionable, heartbreaking sob story Sarah—has taken on the role of being the f*cking worst. 

After crashing the group date, Sarah puts herself on a 14-day quarantine. Not like a CDC-recommended quarantine, she’s still going to dress cute and see people, just if anyone she doesn’t like asks, she’s going to say she’s not feeling well and it’s best to stay away for safety reasons. You know, like how they do it in LA.

Meanwhile, sensing he has a mutiny on his hands, Matt tries to apologize to the women for Sarah’s antics at the group date before his one-on-one with Serena P. He isn’t even able to get out an “I’m sorry” before asking where Sarah is AND THEN GOES TO TALK TO HER INSTEAD OF FINISHING HIS APOLOGY. This is a straight-up Clare move and I’m disappointed in him. 

The women are PISSED. They’re starting to question if they can trust Matt with their hearts (lol they can’t) and Matt’s only excuse is that he doesn’t “know how this all works.” Nope. Not good enough. You absolutely know how this works. If you have working eyes and ears and were born after the year 1975, you know how this works. Not to mention, you were sharing masks and exchanging bodily fluids all over Florida with your Bachelor pals this past spring. Please. 

Cut to the end of the episode and the producers have finally lured Sarah out of her cage. I’m imagining they used some sort of electric rod to prod her into that lounge area the same way zoo handlers get the monkeys to dance. Her entrance is greeted by disdainful silence and Victoria’s verbal shredding of the last remnants of her reputation. 

QUEEN V: You don’t need Matt, you need Xanax. 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Guys, I think I like… Victoria?!

After the ladies finish verbally roasting Sarah on a spit over the unending flames of their hatred for her, she decides it might be best if she leaves the show. And perhaps joins the witness protection program. Totally unrelated, of course. 

Once again, Dildo Girl is too pure for this earth. She does something I’ve never seen before on this franchise: shows genuine human empathy at no personal gain to herself. She tries to apologize for all the yelling just now and also the witch’s curse they placed on Sarah the night before. She just wants everyone to “stay classy” during this process, you know, like when she poked that girl with her 9-inch vibrator and then asked to steal Matt for a sec. Like that. 

 

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Jokes aside, Katie is a QUEEN, and she deserves Matt’s full attention. He better f*cking deliver next week. 

Sarah tells Matt she’s leaving, but instead of the sad story she gave Katie about missing out on time with her terminally ill father and this environment bringing up toxic feelings from past relationships, she tells him it’s because she was bullied. Woooow. I also love that when Matt begs her to stay, she drops the “I’ve been praying over this” line. Like, bitch just say you’re not that into him, you’re into G-Eazy!!

Annnnd that’s a wrap, kids! See you hoes next Monday!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; ABC (2); Giphy (4); @viallnicholas28 /Twitter (1); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (2)