I Found A Vibrator That Will Replace Your Boyfriend

So I’m a normal human being, which means I love having orgasms. But finding decent men to fuck has forever been an endeavor. For years I’ve lowered my standards and did the nasty with guys who lacked personality, wore salmon colored pants, or even liked Coldplay, all because I thought my number was too low (now it’s definitely not).

Recently I was like, STFU Carly—my name’s Carly—you don’t like going home with strangers and you actually hate when the morning sun reveals things on his nightstand you can’t unsee (a utility sized ketchup bottle, VHS porno, ticket stubs to Coldplay). So I stopped lowering my standards at dive bars that wreaked of low self-esteem and fuckboys, and started staying in. I’ve never been one to take matters into my own hands (or fingers, rather)—I’m an old fashioned rub-my-clit-on-a-pillow kind of betch. But I decided to go on my own sex journey and fill my vagina with electronics. It is the digital age, after all.

I started with a vibrator I actually owned. Something I bought on a “me” day but never used. I grabbed B Swish Bwild Classic Vibrator out of my receipt drawer. Yes, I keep my receipts because I’m a grown-ass woman who’s scared of the government. I bought it in pink because I’m a fucking princess. It’s smooth and slutty, it’s cheap—just like me.

Admittedly what caught my attention first was the price. I didn’t know if I would ever actually use it but, at around $36 (or like, two green juices) the risk seemed worth the reward. The reward being a sweet orgasm by myself where I can take one night off from touching, smelling, and licking a dick. It’s not called a blow job for nothing. I need two weeks vacay.

My vagina is actually extremely sensitive to the cold, so I wrapped it in a blanket to warm it up. Did I want to hump this blanket? Sure. But I resisted. I don’t always need to masturbate as if there was a power outage. It was time to put something that resembled an electric toothbrush in me.

At first I was like “am I doing this right?” But it took about as long as Zayn’s solo career to understand why this is a thing. It felt goooooood and I wasn’t preoccupied by how much I would regret this in the morning. I take a long time to really imagine an entire fantasy, so thank god for the five fucking fantastic vibration settings. Not one second of boredom.

Batteries are included and with a total use time of three hours, I immediately cancelled drinks that night. It was hard to skip the vodka, but I wanted to be filled with something else (I already own a shit ton of vodka, anyway). Oh yeah, the Bwild is waterproof, which is perfect because I love long showers. And also sometimes cry when I orgasm.

I feel like I made a friend. As I write this, my Bwild is on the couch next to me begging me to play. Actually, um, I should go. I have to wash dishes. Yeah, that’s it. I know we had plans to hang tonight, but I’m gonna have to cancel those.

I give the B Swish Bwild Classic 10 O’s out of 10 O’s.

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