Ariana Madix is the name on everybody’s lips. She’s found herself on the top of her game after her boyfriend of nine years cheated on her with her best friend — whereas most people find themselves in a deep hole of therapy debt and Chinese takeout containers. Third place on Dancing with the Stars! A SOLO cocktail book! Starring as Roxie Hart in Chicago! A new supportive boyfriend! Hi lemons, meet lemonade.
Naturally, the Betches office was more alive than ever anticipating Ariana’s arrival. We were literally cackling over her cocktail book, with drink names like Snake in the Grass, Tears on Your Grave, Crocodile Tears, and Dead Weight. It’s iconic. As a forever fan of Vanderpump Rules, meeting Ariana IRL is like meeting an old friend face-to-face for the first time in years. She’s exactly who she is on the show: warm, bubbly, yet sarcastic and fierce. It’s an intoxicating combo fit for our Hall of Betches. As Ariana herself once said, “I’m smarter than you. I’m prettier than you. Get the fuck over it.”
HALL OF BETCHES INDUCTION:
ARIANA MADIX
To start off, if you could have a dream celebrity dinner party with five people, dead or alive, who would be at your table?
Beyonce, Oprah, Kelly Clarkson, Alan Cumming, who else? Andre 3000. I need someone really funny. Who’s the funniest person? I don’t know. Why am I struggling to think of someone funny? Because I feel like we need someone to make everyone laugh so that everyone becomes best friends.
There has to be that perfect person in the middle of the table.
Yeah exactly. The person who’s going to really break the ice and make everyone laugh, and I’m just like, why can I not think of anyone funny? Oh, I would also say Matt Rogers. I feel like he would really make everyone laugh. Yeah, I’ll say Matt Rogers.
Amazing. What’s your death row meal?
Oh shit. My death row meal is definitely Mexican food, street tacos.
Yum. Who would play you in a movie?
Florence Pugh.
Love that. I can see it. And what would the movie be called?
Oh shit. It would be a rom-com, but at the end of the rom-com, it’s not about a girl and a guy. It’s not about a relationship. It’s about girlfriends. And it’s called Something About Her.
Wow. Yes. Netflix, you hear that?
And there’s a Katie and there’s a me.
Besides the guy on the Chiefs, who is Karma?
Well, I mean, I have a cute boy, but I also feel like Roxie Hart is Karma.
Yes, that’s good. What’s your weirdest obsession?
Oh, aside from Love Island, because I feel like maybe that’s not that weird. My weirdest obsession is MulchTok. I’m on MulchTok. It’s these videos of these dogs. It’s dogs, and they’re like, “We love mulch.” I’ll find one and show it to you. Like brain rot videos. And it’s dogs and it’s like pink and it’ll be like Mulch Gang.
Okay, I need to see them.
Yes. I’m fully immersed in MulchTok.
Looking back to when you were a kid, what’s your biggest fashion regret or whatever makes you cringe the most when you look at it?
My sperm brows. Yeah. Those are bad. Those are one that I really hope don’t come back.
Please, please, please, never let those come back. If you were to go into the witness protection program, what would your fake name be?
I feel like this is what my drag name be? Well, if it’s witness protection, I feel like it can’t be anything that fun. My alias would be… Well shit, I can’t have a descriptor because then people will know who I am. Oh my gosh. My alias would be Eden Rose.
Beautiful. It’s a gorgeous name.
Yeah. I don’t know. I literally just learned about this type of flower.
What cocktail goes best with shit talking?
Mezcal margs, but just a drink in general I would say a rosé.
Next, I’m going to set the scene for you. So you’re in the backseat of an Uber, you’re looking out the window, and it’s raining. What song is playing in your head?
Kelly Clarkson, “Breakaway.”
Said with ZERO hesitation. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done to impress someone you had a crush on?
Pretended to like anything that I just didn’t really give a shit about. But there’s many examples. It’s not even just one thing. You’d be like, oh, they’re really into… I don’t know. I mean, I’ve definitely been into sports on my own at times, but sometimes if you’re into tennis, I mean, why am I pretending to be into tennis? I really don’t give a fuck.
What’s the last thing you searched on the internet?
Oh, let me see. Oh, the biggest puffer coat you can buy.
What’d you find?
I found some that looked decently large because I’m going to be moving back here for a few months and I would like to wear in that time a puffer coat that is so large that people have to go around me on the sidewalk — like, comically large. I don’t know why I have it in my head that that’s a cool idea. So I was trying to find one online and I found a couple, but I have yet to find the exact thing that I’m looking for.
While you have your phone out, do you use your Notes app? And if so, what do you use it for?
Yes. I use my Notes app mostly for typing out Instagram captions that need multiple lines because you can’t do it in Instagram. So I was starting a Dancing with the Stars post, so I’ll do that there. That’s mostly what I use it for is typing out what I want to write on something else or lists of things like, what do I want to get people for Christmas?
Do you Google yourself?
Yes, because when stuff is going on, I just click the news tab so that I can see a thing that I did. If I did an interview or something, I’ll click that and then that’s how it takes me to the thing as opposed to typing it all out. I just type my name and click the news.
Lastly, what would your class superlative be?
Most likely to reference Britney Spears in any situation.
Oh, I love that. Oh my God, is she not at your dinner party?
Well, the reason she wasn’t at my dinner party is because I almost wonder if she wouldn’t enjoy herself. I was thinking about it. And I was like, she might be like, “I don’t really… This isn’t really my thing. It’s too many people.”
