'Are You The One?' Recap: Not Your Mother's Rehab

Hello, friends! It’s time for another week of watching people who are bad at relationships rely on a giant red button to help them out. Let’s see how well that works out for everyone on tonight’s episode!

As we open, the cast returns to the house to get ready for their “overnight relationship rehab,” which is coincidentally also what I call it when I binge eat raw cookie dough at 1am after a rough breakup.

The cast convenes in the living room and they are disgusted with themselves. Disgusted! No, not because Grandma had to witness her favorite grandchild talk about “topping off” another cast member, but because they only got two beams last week (not including the perfect match).

Nutsa says that they all need to get to know each other better and no one has gotten to know her “deep enough.” WOW boys if that’s not an indictment of your skills in the bedroom I don’t know what is. Time to step it up. Bria, ever the peacemaker, tells everyone to stop fighting because they need to work together as a team.

Daniel now officially declares this “saucy-*ss season seven!” and reveals his pits stains in an unconventional mating ritual that will cause Sam to lose control of her mental faculties and jump his bones.

Cut to Maria and Shamoy in the Holiday Inn down the street  honeymoon suite. This place is eerily clean, in stark contrast to the squalor that the uncoupled masses are living in. It’s just all very white. When you find your perfect match, do you also magically gain the power to never spill anything? Because if so, me and my pizza sauce-stained couch would like our perfect match, please!

Back in the main house, the morning sun has shined its beautiful face on all our willing victims, and it’s time for them to go on their couples retreat. Moe has faith that Terrence knows what he’s doing. Oh, honey! You think Terry plans this?

Terry shows the cast where they are having their overnight relationship rehab, and if they thought this was the kind of rehab where you run into Ben Affleck doing guided meditation and you’re weaned off your alcoholism with mimosas, they were sorely mistaken. This “rehab” is some tents haphazardly set up in the woods, ready to conceal some dark, dark acts.

Terry then tells the cast that they all need to learn from their past mistakes, so he sent their past mistakes to Hawaii to torment them. Naturally those “mistakes” are the shining examples of human beings they used to date.

Is it just me or do some of these girls seem way too excited at the prospect of seeing their exes?

Terry: And here are the dudes that ruined your lives!

Terry says not all the exes could make it, because unfortunately only some of them could get the permission required from their parole officers (I assume).

Zak is worried his “unloyal” ex will show up. Is that who you learned to be DISloyal from, sweetie?

Sam is convinced her ex is not coming because it’s a Monday and he works 9-5, lol. Such good logic, except I work a 9-5 job too, Sammy, and that doesn’t stop me from calling out if I only get 9 hours of sleep instead of 10. A girl needs her beauty rest! I’m sure he could find an excuse to miss work.

This whole situation is honestly a little confusing to me. If y’all didn’t want to see your exes again why didn’t you just burn down their houses not give their name to the producers?

The cast starts to get their drink on in the rain before the exes show up. It’s important to be as sh*tfaced as possible, so as not to remember this ever happened. It’s the only way to do it. Of course the first ex to show up is Zak’s because we really need more girls on this show to stroke his huge ego.

While the girls go to greet Zak’s ex, Lewis starts running around looking for Bria because he didn’t come to this yoga retreat to not see some bloodshed, and goddamnit, neither did I. Lewis, you are a national treasure.

Zak’s ex looks legit just like Sam. Is she wearing her skin as a suit? They sit down. The conversation goes like this.

Zak: How are you?

When Bria hears that Zak’s ex has made her way into their woods party, she runs outside so fast it’s like someone just yelled that there’s half-priced Jell-O shots. She immediately starts mocking ex Emily’s appearance, which is something you should only do with your friends in a group chat while sending screenshots back and forth, Bria. HAVE SOME CLASS.

Bria starts asking about how Zak acted as a boyfriend, and then offers to make Emily a margarita. I’m suspicious. Did anyone check her pockets for cyanide?

By the bar, Samantha and Daniel are flirting over shots of anti-freeze when her ex Tyler strolls right up, still wearing the lei they gave him at the airport. He seems like the type to say a hottie “lei-ed” him, not mentioning she was paid to do it by United Airlines.

Samantha is so surprised and asks how he got off work. I’m not sure she understands how the professional world works. Work is not actually prison, Samantha. That’s just something I dramatically say at 9:15 on Monday morning. It’s called hyperbole sweetie, look it up. They do actually let you take a vacation if you ask in writing 6-8 weeks in advance and your boss isn’t a vindictive psycho.

Daniel wants to talk to Tyler and says “can I just steal you for a sec?” Tyler is immediately a huge douche and now I’m wondering how he got this 9-5 job. Family connections? Because he has what my HR department would call “an unacceptably bad attitude that requires correction.” Not that I would know!!! Tyler basically taunts and threatens Daniel and I’m wondering why he thinks this is a good idea? Daniel has about 30 pounds (??? sorry if this is totally off I’m bad at guessing weights, I could never work at a carnival) on him and isn’t afraid to get a little aggressive.

In the yoga room, a bunch of people are laying around and drinking on mats that say “stop and give me zen.” That’s super cute and I’d totally be in for those at like, a low-key bachelorette party, but they seem a little out of place at a retreat that encourages people to imbibe to the point of vomiting.

Kenya’s ex Daryl strolls in and he also looks like he skinned Tevin and is wearing him like a suit. WHAT is with these doppelgängers? And, like, if lookalikes are this easy to find, where’s Jason Momoa’s double for me? Hmm?

Kenya and budget Tevin Daryl go talk privately in a tent. Daryl says he’s gonna love Kenya forever and she DOES NOT SEEM over it. Kenya, you realize you just signed up to date other dudes, right?

Next, Kayla’s ex walks in. She says he left her in a really dark place so I can’t wait to see a mental breakdown here tonight, folks. They head over to the bar and he says she’s “a really sweet girl but once you get to know her better…” Oh, so he’s one of those.

Samantha and her ex Tyler are having a serious talk.

Tyler: Have you hooked up with anyone here
Samantha: I’ve made out with one guy

What is with these exes? They all seem genuinely surprised/pissed that people they BROKE UP WITH have made out with other people on A DATING SHOW. Like, duh.

Tyler and Samantha are rehashing old wounds and she tells him that he’s toxic and her own personal brand of heroin. Does heroin have brand names? If so, I doubt that a brand would be named Tyler. Like maybe Dwayne or something? Right? Heroin fans, pls advise.

Kayla is telling us that her ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. Well what the f*ck, MTV? Why are you paying for this a-hole to go to Hawaii? Abusers don’t deserve vacations! I’m only verbally abusive to myself, can I get a free ride to the Aloha State?

Kenya is sitting on her ex Daryl’s lap talking, and he takes all the blame for ruining their relationship. That’s nice Daryl, but are you only saying that because her ass is rubbing against your d*ck right now or nah?

The exes continue to stroll right into this Blair Witch nightmare the producers have set up, and next to emerge from the woods is Morgan’s ex, Leon. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see him, because I just don’t think we’ve had enough man buns this season.

Over by the bar, Kayla’s ex Ikaika (not the Swedish home goods store) is sh*t talking her to all the dudes. He’s basically calling her an ugly slut and he throws his drink on Cam. That button-down was freshly pressed, you moron! He runs after Cam to fight, and clearly someone smuggled steroids up their butt into Hawaii, huh Ike? Thankfully, Tomas comes out of nowhere with the tackle. Poor Kayla is sobbing and I’m ashamed that Terry had this douche sent to Hawaii. Ryan Devlin would never have done this to a woman.

Zak’s cathartic sobbing with his ex has inspired him to give it a chance with Morgan. He leads her over to his favorite hammock and says he wants to give it a try. Bria sees them and is instantly possessed by the devil. She warns that she’s coming for Morgan and I hope someone hides all the knives.

Kenya and Daryl are all over each other. Tevin is so upset, even his camo bucket hat is feeling deflated. Jasmine, on the other hand, is elated. She literally starts stretching her vagina in hopeful preparation for its meeting with Tevin later. More power to her, those moves look hard. I can’t even get my leg up on the bar at barre class without assistance.  

Someone handed out neon paint to these drunk fools and they are literally throwing it all over each other. It looks cool right now, but that’s gonna be a b*tch to get out of the pubic hair, am I right Tevin?

Speaking of, Tevin says that Jasmine has been right about Kenya all along

Jasmine rn

They start getting hot and heavy in the shower, and we are left on a cliffhanger! Will Tevin and Jasmine finally consummate the relationship? Will all those steroids give Ikaika a stroke? Will someone get paint in a bad place? Stay tuned to find out next week!

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