I am a conspiracy girlie. Like the clown epidemic of 2016? A psychological experiment in mass hysteria. The moon landing? A high school theater set repurposed. Justin Bieber? Not real, the work of Photoshop, actors, and now AI. The latest conspiracy is my favorite, though, and some might consider it the most plausible yet: the Kardashians are hinting at a new tea brand!! The proof is in the pudding, or rather, the Instagram posts. This wouldn’t be the craziest cup to swallow, as it’s not their first rodeo in the Wild West of tea. So, without further ado, I am ready to bring you over to the dark side of conspiracy and convince you that something is steeping over at the Kardashians.
Don’t be chai – spill the tea!
Before I share my very scientific evidence with you and you rudely claim it to be circumstantial, please remember that nothing these booty-clad girl bosses do is a coincidence. They are intelligent and ambitious, with a momager and team tirelessly working in the background to help them own the entire world. When I say that Kim will run for president, I’m only half kidding. So, what may seem like harmless pics to one person is very different for a journalist trained in the art of unearthing Taylor Swift Easter eggs.
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Our tale begins four weeks ago when Kim posted an Instagram post captioned “tea,” which featured her (you guessed it) drinking tea. Her hair is in rollers, her makeup is flawless, and a naive person would mistake this for a getting-ready photo. I am no naive person (except when it comes to men). This is a carefully planned post, right down to the 60s style rollers and light grey long-sleeved top. This is a message, the start of something bigger than us.
The next cuppa from Kim came just one week ago, carefully hidden amongst a photo dump of her visit to the Department of Justice. The photo features a rumpled napkin and a teacup, both bearing the DoJ logo, as well as a manicured hand. I hear you once again, doubting me, but hear me out. This is not a good photo; it is the kind of photo your mom shares of a coffee date with you. This is giving 2012 Instagram. This is not Kim’s carefully curated feed; it’s there because she needed a tea pic to continue with the Easter eggs.
Now we’ll leave Kim for a minute, since she’s apparently busy getting people out of jail, and turn our attention to the youngest of the sisters, Kylie. Our lip kit, “self-made billionaire,” also took part in the sipping action. On August 13th, she shared a photo dump of six photos, all of which were of her looking sexy and holding a cup of tea. SIX PHOTOS OF IT. She captioned, “Nothing like a little tea to go with your September @britishvogue cover.” This seems excessive, even for a Kardashian-Jenner.
The other sisters have yet to post their own tea content; in fact, Kourtney has done the opposite. On a photo dump posted three days ago, Kourtney included a photo of what seems to be a regular latte and a matcha latte. That, combined with the caption “my give a f*cks are on vacationnn 🫶” (she’s a fellow Sabrina stan), could be a bold way of showing she is not embroiled in the tea business with the others. Kourts been taking some high-heeled steps away from the other girlies for months now, and this might be a cup too far for her.
Oolong time since their last tea
Before you call up my therapist, I’m on my meds, and I swear this isn’t the craziest thought I’ve had because this isn’t the first time that the Kardashians have dunked their biscuit into the tea industry.
The Kardashian girlies were one of the many influencers spouting teatox back in the day. They shared their fair share of detox tea promotions and codes without mentioning that it was essentially laxatives that would make you shit yourself. Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kylie, and even Kris all promoted Flat Tummy Tea, one of the biggest players in the detox tea game. Khloe and Kourtney have since had the decency to delete their posts (and hopefully refund the fee paid), but Kylie will forever be boomeranging that bag in true 2016 fashion.
Back in 2017, Lob Era Kim was promoting FitTea, a similar brand that promised to detoxify you and definitely not give you violent diarrhea. Kylie also took a run at Fittea in 2016 with the caption, “Fitness isn’t always easy, but these results are worth it!” — I agree that those hours spent on the toilet are anything but easy. Kourtney started 2016 drinking the stuff, according to a post on Twitter at the time. But it was Khloe who took things a step further with a video of her talking about Fittea. Interestingly, it cut off just as she took a sip, as if her acting skills weren’t enough to pretend it tasted decent. This is the same brand that Ed Westwick – cough Chuck Bass — pretended to be drinking at Coachella in 2015.
Kourtney has been keeping busy with her gummy supplements brand, Lemme, which she claims to have spent five years researching — really? Maybe the other girlies wanted their slice of the wellness industry, which is proving to be one of the most profitable industries right now, estimated to be earning $1.8 trillion annually. What even is a trillion??? How do you calculate that? Until now, the other girlies have been focused on nipple bras, tequila, and jeans, but maybe they’re ready to move into hot liquids.
So it’s time to embrace the reali-tea: a tea brand is coming! Whether it’ll just be a Kylie and Kim collab or something bigger remains to be seen. We’ve seen partnerships within the sisters before, like Dash and Kendall and Kylie’s Clothing Collections. I don’t think it’ll be as obvious as detox/weight loss tea, given the current ~climate,~ but it’ll have some woo-woo health promises and quickly land a spot on every preteen’s Christmas list for sure. Will it be my cup of tea? Let’s wait and see, and in the meantime, I’ll brew up some better puns.
