Guys, serious question. Why the f*ck do the Kardashians keep having parties? Hot on the heels of Kim’s ill-advised 40th birthday trip, Kendall decided to host her own 25th birthday/Halloween party on Harriet’s Rooftop at Hotel 1 in West Hollywood. That’s right, friends, while you were dropping candy down a chute to a kindergartener wearing a hazmat suit, the Kardashians & Co. were getting their aerosols all up in each other’s tightly costumed business.
The guest list was reported to be around 100 people, with attendees including Jaden Smith, Justin Bieber, The Weeknd, Winnie Harlow, Doja Cat, and 95 other people that I assume I hate. Kendall dressed up as Pamela Anderson and posted her costume on Instagram:
View this post on Instagram
Look, I’m not going to deny she looks great. But can all these idiots who run around obviously flouting the rules and keeping us in this state of lockdown stop telling me to vote? I already did, and I don’t need your hypocritical ass telling me to do so. Thanks!!
Not only did Kendall throw a huge party, but she clearly knew it was wrong, telling her guests not to post on social media. Of all the rules people should be following right now, THAT’S the one she wanted to enforce at this party??! Also, Kendall, that’s a sweet idea, but you invited people who literally make their living posting on social media. You really think they’re not going to post? That’s like throwing a raw steak at a lion and asking it not to eat it. Even Kendall’s own sister posted the party all over her stories. Intentional sabotage or honest (drunken) mistake?
not Kendall Jenner hosting a Halloween party in the middle of the pandemic and making a "no social media" rule so people wouldn't know pic.twitter.com/ZfmvooNMkk
— ema | TAYLOR IS FREE (@repaotd) November 1, 2020
Lest you all think I am being dramatic (me? never!) and critical of Kendall for no reason, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt! I’m going to take a look at some of the CDC recommendations for gatherings and see how well they were followed at this party.
Currently, the CDC recommends that people wear masks when they are less than six feet away from other people.
Hmmm okay, so I guess that one’s a fail. Unless full body makeup counts?! I have a call out to Dr. Fauci, so if he calls me back and says this one is fine, I’ll update you!!
The CDC also suggests guests bring their own food, and limit the amount of people where food is being handled. Let’s see how they did on that one:
SHE BLEW OUT CANDLES!! That wasn’t even sanitary BEFORE people were dying from other people’s spit! I hope that coronavirus was at least buttercream.
And finally, they recommend that guests minimize gestures that promote close contact. For example, don’t shake hands, do elbow bumps, or give hugs. Instead wave and verbally greet them.
Does groping count? I really wish they had been more specific about butt contact. I can’t be the only one with this question.
ET reports that they rapid tested everyone at the door, and only people who tested negative were allowed to go up. That’s at least something, I guess, but who was doing this testing? A doctor? Or were they just hazing some low-tier Tik Tok star who was willing to demean themselves by sticking Q-tips up popstars’ noses for a precious invite? My money’s on that one.
Also, this testing is imperfect! A negative rapid test is not an all-access pass to straddle a dude dressed as the Nutty Professor. It’s just not.
And I’m not the only one who’s pissed. Naturally, the internet went crazy over this party.
Ok Kendall Jenner blowing out candles as a masked waiter holds her cake and tries to move out of the way was actually the scariest thing I saw on Halloween pic.twitter.com/o46ri7TJ9W
— Nicholindz Cage (@lolzlindz) November 1, 2020
CAN ALL THESE CELEBRITIES AKA KYLIE JENNER, KENDALL JENNER, JUSTIN BIEBER, NIKITA DRAGUN, JADEN SMITH TO NAME A FEW STOP BEING IGNORANT TOWARDS THIS VIRUS THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE DYING U DONT NEED A HALLOWEEN PARTY
— ❀bec⁷ (@sixthirtyagbs) November 1, 2020
kendall jenner throwing a party in the middle of a GLOBAL PANDEMIC is irresponsible beyond imagination. people are going homeless and losing their jobs. there are people dying in hospitals everyday because of this. instead of you staying home your putting more people at risk pic.twitter.com/GXhJRonHW1
— victoria ᴴ (@harrysgrovvy) November 2, 2020
I think the fact that anyone would call this a “super safe” party just shows what a truly skewed view of reality celebrities have right now (and always).
So now I have another question for you. Where are the consequences for the Kardashians? Morgan Wallen got dumped from SNL for partying without a mask, and the NFL has fined teams and coaches for not wearing masks. But it seems that things that stick to others never seem to stick to this family. I think there needs to be a larger conversation about why it’s time for us as a country to be done with the Kardashian/Jenners and their problematic behavior, but in the meantime I would like to see some sort of consequence for how they’ve acted throughout this whole global crisis. Kendall has yet to respond to backlash, but I’m not holding my breath for anything remotely apologetic.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; kendalljenner, kendalljenner_official__ (3)/Instagram; repaotd, lolzlindz, sixthirtyagbs,harrysgrovvy/Twitter
2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.
I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.
Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk
I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.
Colton Jumped The Fence
Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.
Area 51 Raid
What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?
Justin & Hailey’s Wedding
View this post on Instagram
1 year ago we had the best wedding. Wish I could live this day over and over 🤍🕊
It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.
College Admissions Scandal
Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?
Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance
Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.
Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’
Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce
…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup
Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”
Trump Was Impeached
Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images
Sorry if this is a spoiler for you, but a lot of people have had plastic surgery. From the girl in high school who just had to fix her deviated septum, to pretty much every Real Housewife, it’s not that uncommon. But even though it’s safe to assume that most famous people have had some little (or not so little) tweaks done, there’s still a stigma around acknowledging your plastic surgery. Case in point: Justin and Hailey Bieber are threatening to sue a plastic surgeon over a TikTok video claiming that Hailey had a nose job. Yes, really.
Dr. Daniel Barrett is a plastic surgeon based in Beverly Hills, and he’s built a large following on TikTok with his “Plastic Surgery Secrets” video series. His videos of patient before and afters, jiggling breast implants, and other behind the scenes doctor things are quite entertaining, and I can understand why he has over 300 thousand followers. But my favorite thing he does are celebrity plastic surgery breakdowns. Using TikTok’s green screen feature, he gives his expert opinion on what various celebs have done to their faces over the years. As you can probably guess, his latest celeb video was about Mrs. Hailey Bieber.
@barrettplasticsurgeryIs it too late now to say sorry…👀##greenscreen ##plasticsurgeon ##inyourface ##beautyhacks ##fyp ##secrets ##haileybieber ##foryou ##spillthetea♬ original sound – barrettplasticsurgery
In the video, he responds to a recent Instagram comment, where Hailey said she’s had absolutely no work done on her face. Using unedited photos from 2011 and 2016, Dr. Barrett mostly focuses on her alleged nose job, saying that the change in shape isn’t caused by puberty or weight loss. He also guesses that she’s had other procedures, including lip and cheek fillers, jawline contouring, and a chin implant.
Let me just start by saying that (shocker) I’m not a plastic surgeon, so I’m not here to offer my medical opinion on any of this. But as a person with functioning eyes, Hailey’s nose looks pretty f*cking different in these two pictures. I don’t know about the jawline stuff or the chin implant, but a nose job does not seem that far-fetched here. But Hailey is sticking to her story, in the form of legal action.
On Tuesday, E! News obtained a cease and desist letter sent from the Biebers to Dr. Barrett, in which they accuse him of using Hailey’s “name, image, and likeness” to “commercially advertise your plastic surgery practice and to spread false, uncorroborated claims that Mrs. Bieber has undergone plastic surgery.” They claim that Dr. Barrett’s TikTok constitutes a number of violations, including (get ready for this): “misappropriation of name, likeness, image and persona for commercial purposes, misrepresentation, defamation, slander, false light, violation of rights of publicity, copyright infringement, trademark and service mark infringement, unfair competition, dilution, and interference with our Clients’ contractual obligations to third parties.” Much like I’m not a plastic surgeon, I’m not a legal expert, but I feel like the Biebers’ attorneys are just throwing a bunch of things to the wall to see what sticks and gets him to take down the video.
On top of the whole plastic surgery thing, Justin Bieber & Co. found one other way to come for Dr. Barrett. The cease and desist letter claims that Barrett’s video caption (“Is it too late now to say sorry”) uses “copyrighted protected lyrics”, which is technically true, but like… really? Is Justin also going to send a cease and desist letter to every single girl who used this as an Instagram caption in 2015? Because that seems impractical.
When push comes to shove, I really don’t think this is going to go much further. Most likely, the Biebers want Dr. Barrett to take the video down, which he hasn’t done so far. He told E! News in a statement, “The purpose of my TikTok account is to increase the transparency of plastic surgery and to educate people about plastic surgery. The purpose of the video was not to disparage Hailey Bieber in any way, the purpose of my video was to share my opinion about the procedures that I believed she may have had done based on photos alone. This is at the request of many of my viewers who follow me for this type of information and for my opinion.”
I’m not saying that I think Hailey is lying about not having any plastic surgery (please don’t sue me), but methinks the lady doth protest a bit too much, no? Like, who cares if you had a nose job in 2015, so many people did. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, she could, you know, just not talk about it?
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; barrettplasticsurgery / TikTok
We’re now entering week five of social distancing—or is it week four? Week six? Honestly, I have no idea, and I stopped counting on day eight after it just got too depressing. Now, many of us have more or less settled into this new normal, which means exercising less than we should, eating more than we should, and rolling our eyes at celebrities. I mean, that never really stopped, but in the past week or so, it feels like celebs are more determined than ever to put their feet in their mouths. Last week, Ellen DeGeneres compared her mansion to jail, and over the weekend, Justin Bieber made a similar misstep on Instagram Live.
On Saturday, Justin and Hailey Bieber went on Instagram Live together, and were joined (virtually, of course) by their pal Kendall Jenner. Name three less interesting personalities, I’ll wait. Anyway, while on Live together, Justin decided to share some wisdom about how fortunate he is. And surprising no one, things didn’t go great.
After asking Kendall about her year-long renovation on her mansion, Justin said “How blessed are we? A lot of people obviously in this time have a crappy situation. They look at us and obviously we worked hard for where we’re at so we can’t feel bad for the things that we have but I think us taking that time to acknowledge that there are people who are crippling is important. We send our love and support to them.”
Here’s a video of what Justin said, with a sound effect of a guillotine blade being sharpened added for good measure:
justin bieber, hailey, and kendall jenner being out of touch with reality but now there’s the sound of a guillotine blade being sharpened pic.twitter.com/DbOH0WJ7h9
— 𝘫𝘢𝘺 𖤐 (@reptlila) April 11, 2020
I’m trying to think of a more creative way to say yikes, but like, YIKES. While it’s great for people like Justin and Kendall to acknowledge their privilege, this is absolutely not the way to do it. Sure, Justin is a hard worker, but so are the millions of people who have lost their jobs in the past month. Like, if hard work was all it took to become famous (and not hard work in addition to a healthy dose of luck, privilege, connections, etc.), we would all be celebrities. No one is really asking famous people to “feel bad” for the things they have, but Justin’s acknowledgement of “people who are crippling” would be a lot more compelling if it came with a big check. Also, what does “people who are crippling” even mean? Please advise.
As you could probably guess, the folks over on Twitter weren’t too thrilled with what Justin had to say.
i’m sure all the newly unemployed are grateful to know justin bieber thought about them being poor
— donky🌹☭ (@phattdonk) April 6, 2020
Specifically, I’m curious what Justin thought he was accomplishing by “acknowledging” all the people struggling right now. Like, thanks?
5am and I keep thinking about that video with Justin and Kendall and how they were trying so hard to acknowledge poor ppl
— tan (@madashmallowsan) April 13, 2020
Kendall and Hailey, to their credit, didn’t really get involved in this part of the conversation. Kendall said she thinks about how fortunate she is “all the time,” but didn’t spout any bullsh*t about how hard she’s worked for her money. Good for her—it looks like the Kris Jenner media training is paying off. The three of them are all getting low-key dragged for being part of the conversation, but Justin Bieber is definitely the one who really showed his ass here.
So while people wait for their stimulus checks to arrive, hopefully they’ll be able to buy groceries with Justin Bieber’s “love and support.” I have a feeling my local supermarket doesn’t accept payment in the form of tone-deaf celebrity comments. This video was definitely painful to watch, but I sincerely hope that Justin’s “support” is taking the form of some big charitable donations, or else I don’t really want to hear it.
Images: Steve Granitz / Contributor/Getty Images; reptlila, phattdonk, madashmallowsan / Twitter
If you haven’t already heard the news (where were you?), Justin Bieber recently announced that he’s not on meth and has actually been diagnosed with Lyme disease. Allow me to kick off this essay by saying that I’m so sorry he’s dealing with this sh*t, I’m glad he’s overcoming the struggle, and F*CK YEAH to Biebs for always openly discussing his health, whether it’s this new diagnosis or about his mental health. It takes guts to use your mega-following that reaches BILLIONS of people to discuss sensitive topics like your personal life, especially when publicly discussing our health is so stigmatized. A true hero.
NOW *clears throat* allow me to explain why I’m frustrated AF over this situation.
It’s great that Justin Bieber is openly talking about his health/Lyme diagnosis but it’s fucked up that it takes a celebrity to get diagnosed with something MILLIONS of people (myself included) have been battling for so long to start a bigger conversation about it send tweet
— Morgan Mandriota (@morganmandriota) January 10, 2020
For those who live in a bubble don’t know, Lyme disease is essentially an inflammatory disease/infection that’s transmitted from deer ticks to humans. When someone gets bit by a Lyme-carrying tick, they can experience a bunch of unpleasant, debilitating symptoms affecting the nervous system, joints, and other body organs. In 2020, and in every new year, there will be over 400,000 additional diagnosed cases of Lyme in the United States alone. Justin Bieber is one of the newer cases. Avril Lavigne is a well-known celeb with it, too. Ugh, why do ticks have to go and make things so complicated? Anyway. Wanna know who else has Lyme disease? Me. I have Lyme disease.
Let’s rewind back to fall 2017, when I spent a lovely afternoon adventuring along a local nature trail with my friend and her dog. I didn’t know a teeny tiny nymph tick bit my leg on that trail, but it did, and I didn’t find it when I did my post-hike body scan. One month later, my health drastically declined. I couldn’t breathe when I got up to go to the bathroom. I was absolutely exhausted… like, literally stuck to my couch with zero energy. I wasn’t hungry (a CLEAR sign that I was unwell). A coworker told me to go get a blood test on my lunch break, so I did, and lo and behold, I got a call from my doc on my way into work a few days later saying that I tested positive for Lyme disease. Cue ugly crying to my boss when I walked into the office and told her I had to go pick up meds because I was basically dying.
Two years ago today I took a hike on a beautiful sunny day that would change my life forever — I was bit by a tick & diagnosed with Lyme disease one debilitating month later. PLEASE be careful & thoroughly scan your body for ticks after time spent hiking/in grassy, wooded areas. pic.twitter.com/YOWAbKiBJK
— Morgan Mandriota (@morganmandriota) September 10, 2019
Two weeks of super strong antibiotics, accompanied by the dying off process of the spiral-shaped bacteria called spirochetes (that makes you feel like you’re literally dying), didn’t even do the trick. It’s 2020, and I still have lingering effects from that damn tick bite, including fatigue (yes, I get enough sleep), shortness of breath when I exercise (no, I’m not just out of shape), and numbness in my hands and feet when I drink (yes, I drink anyway and tell strangers at bars to punch my leg just to prove I can’t feel it). A month is a long time to go undiagnosed, but I was lucky enough to catch it that early—yes, EARLY. Some people go months or YEARS without a proper diagnosis, and as a result, they undergo severe neurological damage and experience far worse symptoms, like joint damage, organ failure, and even paralysis.
OK, so why TF am I so mad? For a few reasons.
First off, if you read the comments on Justin Bieber’s OG post, there are a ton of people giving him love and support, which is amazing. But there are way more people (on Twitter) blowing up this situation into a feud about Justin’s health vs. Selena Gomez and her battle with Lupus. Relevant? I think not. Yes, Lupus is another major chronic illness, but why the f*ck does this have to be a battle about who’s got it worse or which one is more severe? Why can’t people just send their ~thoughts and prayers~ and leave it at that? How about people actually care that Justin has been sick with this brutal condition and wish him well instead of turning this into a fandom battle?
Second, when Hailey showed her support, people attacked her, too—calling her a model who should shut up because she doesn’t know any better. Like??? Pretty sure she’s supporting her husband who’s sick, and if you actually read her tweet, her message is really important. Instead of downplaying the severity of ANYBODY’S health, let’s learn about WTF this disease is so we can help the hundreds of thousands of people who suffer from it every damn day. The really sad part is that when it comes to learning/helping/supporting those with Lyme disease, we as a society are basically at step 0. That’s because there are a lot of people who deny that chronic Lyme disease is even a thing. So we have a long af way to go.
For those who are trying to downplay the severity of Lyme disease. Please do your research and listen to the stories of people who have suffered with it for years. Making fun of and belittling a disease you don’t understand is never the way, all it takes is educating yourself.
— Hailey Bieber (@haileybieber) January 8, 2020
For the record, chronic Lyme is VERY real. In simple terms, it’s the persistence of a Lyme infection that doesn’t go away and consistently wreaks havoc on the body by presenting those terrible symptoms long after the OG course of antibiotics have been taken. For the non-Beliebers (had to, sorry), the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and the CDC both published a whole post about it (because it’s REAL). But, ICYMI, journalists have gone as far as to deny IN THE NEW YORK TIMES that chronic Lyme exists. And, when that journalist received backlash, she posts this equally as reckless tweet: “To everyone sending me ‘information’ and personal stories on chronic Lyme: you assume I have not done any reporting or that I will somehow read your story and be convinced. I feel for you, but I do NOT believe—not does any expert I trust—that chronic Lyme exists.” See my thoughts on that in my tweet below.
As someone with Lyme who has battled to function normally for the last two years, I'd say you should only experience what I have but I wouldn't even wish that on my worst enemy. So thanks for your extremely ignorant and incorrect opinion, but no fucking thanks. Next. https://t.co/FmFJ6tlJ7M
— Morgan Mandriota (@morganmandriota) July 4, 2019
Thankfully, there have been incredible, influential people who are working toward building a more Lyme-literate society so these deniers can be shut down. Wait, what’s a Lyme-literate society? People, but more specifically doctors and other medical specialists, who know WTF Lyme disease is, how it’s contracted, how it impacts people who’ve contracted it, and how to treat and/or manage it. Because right now, the public is severely misinformed and doctors don’t know how to properly care for people like us, which is why so many people go undiagnosed for so long.
Avril Lavigne, a fellow Lyme survivor, runs her own foundation and donates proceeds of her sales to support Lyme research and awareness. Because in her own words, “Lyme disease is a global pandemic but NOT a global priority.” And although Justin Bieber is newly diagnosed, his voice is louder and carries more weight than those who’ve been silenced and belittled when we’ve shared our experiences in the past, so I really hope he uses his platform to help those in the same boat as he is so no one has to suffer like us in the future.
Which is also why I’m SO FRUSTRATED over this whole thing! It takes CELEBRITIES to announce having a disease that 300,000+ people live with every day in order to spread some awareness about it?? IMHO that’s extremely f*cked up. So many people live with this illness, and no one blinks a GD eye because we’re nobodies, but someone as famous as Biebs says they have it and NOW interest is a little bit piqued? And even still, the conversation reverts back to a fight over him and his ex about who has the worse illness? GTFOH.
Maybe you didn’t know, or maybe you didn’t care to know about Lyme disease prior to Bieber’s diagnosis because you or a loved one hasn’t been diagnosed. Well, on behalf of those who battle this illness every day, I ask you to please care and become aware of how to prevent getting that dreaded infected-tick bite (read the CDC article all about that here). Because if you frequent grassy areas or hiking trails, you’re just as susceptible to contracting this disease as someone as small as me or as big as Biebs. If you don’t give a sh*t about us, then at least care about yourself.
Despite my aggravation at how the announcement has been received so far, I’m grateful that Justin Bieber is open about his Lyme diagnosis to his millions of followers, and I’m hopeful that maybe things will finally change and we’ll see an improvement toward a more Lyme-literate society moving forward. I just hope he never has to face doctors who tell him his condition doesn’t actually exist (like I have). I hope he never has to deal with people telling him that his symptoms are “just in his head” (like I do). I hope he’s able to find the medical help he needs, despite how there’s a severe lack of knowledgeable specialists and nobody understands what the f*ck he goes through every single day (like everyone else with Lyme). Who knows? Maybe he’ll help to smash the stigmas we face all the time and bring us closer to the better healthcare system that we’ve been needing for so long. One can only hope. Anyway, here’s “One Less Lymey Lonely Girl” (which is WAY better than his new song “Yummy” … #yikes).
Today, the four-year drought of new Justin Bieber music finally came to an end, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a happy bitch. I’ve openly lamented the lack of new music from both Justin and Selena Gomez in the last few years, and in 2020, we’re finally eating good. After a couple of shady AF singles, Selena’s album comes out next Friday, but today, we need to discuss Justin Bieber’s new song, “Yummy.” It’s a little weird and more than a little cringey, but for now, I will take what I can get.
While we were all busy avoiding our families over the holidays, Justin dropped the major announcement that in 2020, he’ll be putting out both an album and a YouTube documentary series, and going on tour. After spending a couple years barely in the spotlight, it’s going to be a huge year for Justin, and it all starts today, with the release of “Yummy.” Justin obviously knows this is an important moment, and he’s been hyping it up on Instagram like a club promoter who’s going to lose his job if ladies night isn’t packed this week. Seriously, what the f*ck is this feed?
If this Instagram behavior continues, Justin is going to be muted so hard. But I guess the tactic worked, because here we are talking about “Yummy.” First, I just have to say how much I hate the word yummy. It’s right up there with “moist” and “panties” on the list of words that make my skin crawl. I’ve already typed it four times in this article, and I’m ready to jump in the shower. But I’m out here doing the lord’s work for the people.
The song wasn’t technically announced until last week, but it turns out Justin was actually dropping hints about it back in October. He posted this doodle of the Y-word, with a caption that turned out to be a lyric from the song (we’ll get to the lyrics in a minute, because yikes). This was also around the time that Justin posted that if one of his photos got 20 million likes, he would release an album before Christmas. Despite many of his famous friends sharing the post, it stalled out around 11 million, which is just so beautifully embarrassing. The post was ultimately deleted to destroy the evidence, and obviously there was no album before Christmas. I love mess.
So yeah, let’s talk about the song. It’s predictably catchy, with velvety synths and a smooth-trap vibe that’s essentially what I expected. It might not be a forever-banger like “Sorry,” but that’s clearly not what Justin was going for here. That was Party Justin, but this is Baby-making Justin. Basically, the whole song is just him being horny for Hailey, and truly nobody asked for this.
Look, I believe that Justin and Hailey love each other, but I’m not confident that their sex life is actually very exciting. The whole “yummy-yummy yummy yum” chorus bit sounds like someone who wants to try dirty talk for the first time, but has absolutely no clue what to say. In my personal life, this is usually when I would just tell a man to be quiet, but unfortunately for all of us, the song does not end there.
Here’s the first verse, which is somehow only three lines long, but will haunt me for a lifetime: “Bonafide stallion, It ain’t no stable, no, you stay on the run. Ain’t on the side, you’re number one.” Let me be the first to say that I never, ever needed to hear Justin Bieber refer to himself as a “bonafide stallion.” Like, f*cking ew, Justin. But wait, is he referring to himself? It’s super unclear, because the other two lines are clearly talking about Hailey. I should point out that technically a stallion can only be a male horse, but I don’t feel confident that Justin knows that. So Justin might be the stallion, but the structure of the lyrics kinda makes it seem like she is, which also doesn’t really work. Clearly, I’m putting way more thought into this than Justin did, so let’s move on. The other two lines are a reference to how he’s monogamous with Hailey, and he doesn’t have any other women in his ~stable~, and can we just stop with the horse metaphors? Hailey already has powerful horse girl energy, and this isn’t helping.
Moving on from the horse stuff, we get to the pre-chorus, which contains easily the most upsetting line of the song. After talking about spending a ton of money and saying the words “get litty” because he’s a 16-year-old boy, he subjects us to this: “Rollin’ eyes back in my head, make my toes curl, yeah, yeah.” F*CKING EW, JUSTIN. I take back everything I said about the horse metaphors, please, can we do more of those instead?
I’m no prude, but there is truly nothing in this world that I want to picture less than the dumb face that Justin makes while he’s having vanilla-ass sex with his wife. And don’t @ me, because you KNOW the sex is vanilla. No judgment, but they are not getting into anything kinky when the Lord is watching. Glad missionary position can make your toes curl, Justin! From there, the lyrics are pretty boring. Justin name drops his Lambo and his clothing line, Drew, and says “elated that you are my lady,” which feels deeply unromantic, but whatever works for them, I guess.
Overall, “Yummy” feels like kind of a weak comeback effort. Sure, it’s catchy, but how catchy is it really when I can’t even sing the chorus out loud without wanting to peel off my skin? What makes it worse is that we know Justin can do so much better. I will say, this is the perfect song to put on a Spotify playlist to have on in the background, because it really falls apart the second you try to listen to the lyrics. I’m still excited to see what else Justin comes out with this year, but I can’t deny that I was hoping for more from the first song. Oh well, at least we know Justin and Hailey are getting it in.
Images: justinbieber / Instagram (2); Giphy
I don’t really fancy myself a fashion guru—in fact, I’m currently wearing a less than flattering sweatshirt-and-cowboy-boots combo—but there are some pieces out there that even I can say, with absolute certainty, are stupid. Look, as a youth living in New York, I am generally unfazed by most things, but some of the outfits that walk by me every day are too awful to forget, and they deserve a shoutout on this sh*tlist. Before you call me judgmental, let me just tell you that I know I’m judgmental and I simply don’t care, so joke’s on you. I’d also like to say that I’m not out here judging people who have bad taste or don’t know how to wear bootcut jeans because, let me remind you, I’m wearing a sweatshirt to work today. No, I’m judging the people who think they’re being really stylish by wearing something that’s objectively stupid—like sleeveless hoodies. Please.
So without further ado, read on for the dumbest moments in fashion.
Sheer Sweaters
Rag & Bone Perry Crewneck Sheer Pullover Sweater
The whole point of a sweater is to be cozy, so why in the fat hell would you wear one that’s both thin af and completely see through? As someone who pushes the company dress code like I’m getting paid to test limits, I totally understand the desire to be a little extra, but a sheer sweater just doesn’t make sense and that is a damn fact. There are so many ways to do sexy the right way, but a sweater thinner than a pair of CVS tights isn’t one of them. What about a cropped sweater and high-waisted jeans? Or even an off-the-shoulder sweater? There are so many solid options that don’t involve literally freezing your tits off.
Sleeveless Hoodies
lululemon X Barry’s Stronger as One Sleeveless Hoodie
Like most horrible things in this world, Justin Bieber is to blame for sleeveless hoodies. First of all, hoodies are not flattering, like, ever, and removing the sleeves doesn’t help. The only thing hoodies are good for is keeping you warm, so a sleeveless hoodie makes no sense whatsoever. It’s like the fashion equivalent of a sandwich with no meat: unnecessary. After doing some research (a quick Google search), I’ve noticed that most sleeveless hoodies (gag) are part of a workout outfit, which is almost worse than wearing one out and about. No matter the season, you sweat a ton when you work out, so do you really want to tap it back in a f*cking sweatshirt? I think not.
Furry Flip-Flop Slippers
Technically I’m 26, but my affinity for bathrobes and slippers indicate otherwise. Let me just point out what I thought was obvious so that I can bask in how stupid these things are: the whole point of slippers is to be cozy, so why would anyone buy and wear a flip-flops version?? Also, not to be a snob, but the only two places flip-flops are an acceptable choice of footwear are on the beach and in the nail salon. That is it. Like everything else on this list, the weird edits to the original style (a closed slipper) totally defeat the purpose. These wouldn’t make sense even if they were cute, and uh, they ain’t that cute either. Instead, go for one of these cute snow boot options that will actually keep your toes warm.
Jeans With Giant Holes
SHEIN Extreme Distressed Knees Jeans
Look, I stan a good ripped jean, but there is something about the Khloé Kardashian-esque ripped jeans that are an assault on the eyes. I’m talking about the ones whose hole starts in the upper thigh region and literally ends at the ankles. I mean, why? They serve zero purpose except giving the people around you something to laugh at, so unless you’re just out here trying to make the world LOL, go for normal ripped jeans. I know it’s ~fashion,~ but that doesn’t mean it’s a good look. And if you absolutely can’t resist a pair of denim like this, please save your sanity and do NOT wear them to a family function. Your dad will have a f*cking field day making fun of you and asking if your knees are cold, which they probably are. Next!
Boot Pants
That’s right: boot pants. Balenciaga is generally not my cup of tea because I don’t like confusing, overpriced, neon-colored tea, and these weird boots (pants?) are a perfect example of why I can’t get behind the brand. First of all, what are they? How do you put them on? How do you PEE? Secondly, they’re so aggressive that if you must wear them, you can really only get away with them once, maybe twice if the second time is a full decade later. I’m all for bold choices, but these are just too much and I stand by that statement. And at nearly $3000, the price is DEFINITELY too much. This isn’t like that time Her Royal Highness Michelle Obama wore those glittery Balenciaga boots and the world truly lost its mind, because those were insane in all the right ways. These boot pants are just insane the way Spencer Pratt is insane AKA there’s nothing cute about it.
Do you agree that these pieces need to be burned at the stake? What horrible trends did I leave out? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Neiman Marcus; lululemon; Zappos.com; SHEIN; Balenciaga
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If there is one adjective I’d use to describe all of us, as a collective species, in 2019, it would be tired. No matter if you’re rich, poor, conservative, liberal, male, female, we can all agree that we are just exhausted—physically, emotionally, spiritually. Show me someone who can’t relate to one of those “I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since 2008 memes” and I’ll show you either a speed addict or a liar. Even celebrities are tired, apparently! That’s evidenced by the fact that Hailey Baldwin Bieber (gotta get used to that), who just turned 23 today, revealed in an interview with Highsnobiety that she would have thrown a blowout birthday party, but she’s simply “too tired”. Now, as much as I want to come for her, I’ve got to say, the girl has a point.
Upon the interviewer remarking that today is, in fact, Hailey’s birthday, Hailey says, “It’s my Jordan year. I’m turning 23 (today, November 22), and I had this idea where I was going to throw a Jordan party and everyone would have to wear Jordan.” Sounds both literal and expensive. E! News reported on Mrs. Bieber’s initial party plans in an article called “Hailey Bieber Is ‘Too Tired’ to Throw a Party For Her 23rd Birthday”, remarking, “‘Jordan year’ is in reference to famous basketball player Michael Jordan whose number was 23 throughout his career. Who knew Hailey was such a sports aficionado!” To which I have got to say: no, she is not a “sports aficionado”—that’s like me saying that knowing Derek Jeter used to play for the Yankees makes me a baseball connoisseur, or having a “22” themed birthday makes me a Taylor Swift superfan—she is simply a person who was alive when Miley Cyrus, Juicy J, and Mike Will released their hit song “23”. To which I have to add, having a “Jordan” party is very 2013.
In any case, outdated reference or not, the Jordan party will not happen because, as Bieber tells Highsnobiety, “I’m just too tired, I don’t want to entertain people.” I wanted to inquire if she would even be responsible for planning or coordinating her own party, but it didn’t even seem worth the effort. Whether she is actually organizing the minutiae of the event or not (almost surely not), she would still have to get her makeup done, show up to the party, pose for photos, socialize, and just generally be around people—feats that I think we can all agree sound thoroughly exhausting. Not to mention, Hailey has had not one, but two weddings this year, and her big blowout wedding happened just two months ago. That was basically her huge birthday party, no theme necessary.
I’ll admit, I was ready and eager to do a full roast of Hailey Bieber for these comments. Too tired to throw a party?! How will we, as a collective society, survive without what would have surely been the cultural touchstone of the century? Not to mention, doing a “Jordan” themed party where your guests are all required to wear sneakers that cost upwards of $100 is not exactly the most socially conscious or aware decision. But then again, neither is turning your baby daddy’s album cover into a theme park or having not one, not two, not three, but FOUR designer dresses at your wedding in the first place. And, I am pretty confident nobody on Hailey Bieber’s guest list would have been unable to afford a pair of Jordans, anyway. So, even though this never-realized party is not exactly groundbreaking in either theme or cultural relevance, it’s not even outlandish enough to be worth a roast.
After all was said and done (and I actually read the initial Highsnobiety interview), I wondered if E! News was giving Hailey a bit of the Emma Watson treatment. The questions about Hailey’s birthday are ordered first in the interview, but the initial interview does not position those comments—which are clearly meant as a joke, since after remarking she’s too tired to entertain people, Hailey laughs—as front and center or the focus of the piece. The title of the interview is actually, “Hailey Bieber on Calvin Klein, Her Beauty Empire Dreams & Why She Thinks Kylie Jenner Is ‘a Genius”. This stays true to what is discussed in the interview. I’m not saying that Hailey Bieber is the next Gloria Steinem or anybody, or that E! News did her a huge wrong, but the interview is not completely vapid, either. She lauds Rihanna and Kylie Jenner for creating products and brands they genuinely believe in, and expressing similar aspirations while being aware of the danger of copying existing celebrities’ brands. In other words, it’s pretty standard stuff.
Then again, when asked what matters to her, things get a little murky. She expresses the desire to use her platform for “talking to young women”, which seems like a good idea in theory, but is left extremely vague. What does that mean exactly, answering DMs? Bieber does not really expand upon this idea; she simply says, “Women supporting women has become such a big conversation but theres still so much we can do. There’s no reason there needs to be this girl against girl drama, and social media makes it way worse. There’s no reason why we cant be kind to each other.” That is all fine and good, but she offers no further ideas about what actually we can do. I’m all for celebrities taking up a pet cause, but just pointing out a (pretty mild in the grand scheme of things) problem is not actually the same as doing anything about it. I feel like, if anything, this is just another callback to Selena Gomez and her new-ish song about Justin Bieber—so, essentially, Hailey’s answer for “what matters to you” is kind of, “that people stop talking sh*t about me”. A relatable sentiment, for sure, but more of a personal problem than a noble cause.
So when all is said and done, who am I really mad at? E! News, for putting a somewhat funny and relatable spin on an otherwise meh fluff piece? Highsnobiety for asking a bunch of softball questions and then publishing that in a Q&A format, without even an attempt to synthesize all these comments into some sort of narrative? Or myself, for getting all excited to do a complete take-down, only to actually read all the background information and be sorely disappointed, and then playing right back into that with my own headline? Myself. Definitely myself.
Images: Shutterstock.com
