Can you imagine someone seriously asking which private jet they should take today? It sounds like something one of the Roy siblings would say. (Probably Kendall.) And yet, Kylie Jenner posed this very question on her Insta. No, the people are not happy. Maybe to avoid controversy, the Kardashians should start “keeping up” with the general public. (I volunteer as tribute to have my life broadcast on TV.)

On July 15, Jenner posted a pic on Instagram of her and Travis Scott, hugging. Cute, right? Forgot to mention that the couple is standing in between two private jets, with Jenner captioning the pic, “You wanna take mine or yours?” Unclear if they own both of these private jets, but they at least appear to have had access to them. Regardless of which private plane they ended up taking, the flight in question was apparently from Camarillo, CA to Van Nuys, CA, which would take approximately 3 minutes, or a drive that Google Maps puts at about 43 minutes. I know time is money, but… really?

This all comes after Jenner bought her private jet, which she called Kylie Air, in 2020 for about $70 million. Jenner had posted pics and videos of her private plane on Insta, showing off the interior details. Don’t worry, the plane had nothing extravagant. Just the necessities: neon lights, a full bar, and Hermès blankets on each seat (I wish I was kidding). It’s one thing to flaunt all their wealth and bougie lifestyles, that’s kind of the Kardashian M.O. Showing off two private jets though, during a very dire global climate crisis? When private jets tend to produce more CO2 emissions per passenger than commercial flights? It’s problematic, and the people have some thoughts.

“Kylie Jenner flying private has zero impact on the world but me using a plastic straw is where people draw the line…” writes one Twitter user. Anotheragrees, tweeting, “kylie jenner out here picking which colour private jet she wanna take today meanwhile I gotta chug my iced coffee before my straw becomes paper mache???? explain.”

On Jenner’s Insta post in question, one user commented, “maybe take neither’s and reduce your carbon footprint,” while another questioned, “Why do I have to limit my meat consumption and use paper straws while the 1% gets to pump tons of carbon into the atmosphere for a day trip to Palm Springs?” Re-f*cking-Tweet.

Not everyone jumped on the dogpile, though. One user took to Twitter to defend Jenner, writing, “The real reason why y’all mad at Kylie Jenner is cause y’all are broke,” adding, “leave the environment out of it.” Another wrote, “100,000 planes take off EVERY SINGLE DAY, and you’re worried about Kylie Jenner & her boyfriend having 2 private jets?”

At least sister Kim Kardashian is being a good role model and isn’t emitting tons of harmful emissions via a private plane…psych! On the latest season of The Kardashians, Kim showed off her new plane, Air Kim. (Inventive.) She walked through the details, saying “usually planes are, like, dark with lighter leather. Mine, I had custom all-light wood. I had a bathroom put in the front and a bathroom put in the back. Every seat has its own phone charger. The best, most exciting part of the plane—cashmere ceilings, cashmere pillows, headrests.”

Sorry, what was that? I can’t hear you all the way back here in economy basic.

Images: Mindy Small/FilmMagic

Is it even a week in our American news cycle without some questionable comments by Kim Kardashian getting the internet riled up? Kardashian appears on the cover of Allure‘s August 2022 issue and was profiled for the cover story, and it’s getting lots of attention. This time, the remarks that are causing a stir aren’t about people’s work ethic, but her revelations about the plastic surgery she’s had done—or more accurately, as she claims, hasn’t done.

The profile starts out with Kardashian saying she’s known as “a really good facial consultant” and recommends the Allure writer get Botox, one of the most common nonsurgical procedures. Kind of like how I claim to give good legal advice, and my advice is “speak to an attorney”. But anyway, the interview naturally progresses to a discussion of Kardashian’s cosmetic enhancements, or as the writer puts it, “What do you have in your face right now?” Kim admits to having “a little bit of Botox” between her brows, and says she has “no filler.” In fact, she says, she’s never had filler, even on her lips and cheeks (the writer asks). She even denies having eyelash extensions. “I’ve never had eyelash extensions,” she says. “I’ve never done anything. I have a drop of mascara on today. I’ve never filled my cheeks. I’ve never filled my lips.” (An Allure article from 2012 calls Kim “she of the mile-long eyelash extensions” and discusses how she toned down her look because of Kanye West’s influence.)

Not everyone is buying it. Kardashian isn’t asked about which, if any, surgical enhancements she received below the neck, and is praised for creating her body: “unlike the Aphrodites of generations past, Kardashian wasn’t born with it, she created it.” There’s no mention of how she created it, or with what help. Kim, like her sisters, has long denied plastic surgery rumors, although in the past she has admitted to belly button tightening, a non-invasive treatment that aims to reduce lines, wrinkles, and loose skin around the belly button. The closest she’s come to revealing she got “butt injections” was in 2016, when she said she received a cortisone shot in her rear end to treat her psoriasis.

There’s a discussion of the impact Kim’s aesthetic has had on the public—namely, causing self-loathing. The writer opines, “The dagger nails, the daddy longlegs lashes, the tiny waists, the bulbous butts: Can we trace it all back to Kim?” No. So much has been written about the Kardashians’ blackfishing and appropriation that this can’t even be a serious question, even if rhetorical.

When asked if she feels responsible or guilty for setting an unattainable beauty standard, Kardashian replies, “If I’m doing it, it’s attainable.” This comes after she admits to doing laser treatments at night while her kids are asleep, which I hardly need to point out is the very definition of not attainable for everyone. Neither is Botox, which can cost hundreds of dollars for forehead injections, like Kim’s. Neither are the nutritionist and trainer Kardashian later says she consulted to achieve her controversial 15-pound weight loss ahead of the Met Gala. You get the point.

Celebrities don’t necessarily owe the public a disclosure of every procedure they’ve had done, and the plastic surgery denial wouldn’t be that important if Kardashian wasn’t claiming her looks are attainable for everyone, and if her wealth weren’t tied up in that exact claim, from the beauty products to the shapewear and her new 9-step skin care line, SKKN. Speaking of SKKN, Kardashian said she “wanted to create a line based on exactly what I really do.” The implicit messaging is there: do this 9-step routine, which costs $575, and which Kardashian tells Allure she doesn’t use all of every day, and you too could look like Kim. (Minus the Botox and nightly laser treatments, of course.)

Kardashian tells Allure that she’s “at peace with not being perfect,” but “would still do anything to look and feel youthful.” That includes eating feces; she doubles down on her semi-joking comments she made to the New York Times last month.

“Maybe just a bite,” she says. “I don’t think I can do a whole bowl.” For all the talk of eating shit, she’s been feeding it to us for years.

Images: MEGA/GC Images; Joe Seer / Shutterstock.com

Being a celebrity with a beauty brand is nothing special these days. Rihanna has Fenty, Selena Gomez has Rare, Kylie Jenner has Kylie Cosmetics—I mean, does every star really need to have their own lipstick or highlighter? Probably not, but that hasn’t stopped Hailey Bieber and Kim Kardashian from joining the competition. With the release of Rhode and SKKN By Kim, respectively, the two have managed to stand out from their peers, but not because of amazing formulas or vegan ingredients—instead, they’re each being sued by smaller businesses for trademark infringements. Let’s take a deep dive into each lawsuit so we can better understand what’s going on.

Rhode by Hailey Bieber

Hailey Bieber launched her skin care line, Rhode, on June 15, 2022. Just one week later, founders of luxury clothing brand RHODE, Purna Khatau and Phoebe Vickers, released a statement on their Instagram page explaining why they were filing a lawsuit.

“Hailey could choose any brand for her skin-care line,” it read. “We have only the brand name “RHODE” that we’ve built. That’s why we didn’t sell her our brand when she asked four years ago, and why we ask her now to change her skin-care line’s brand. Her using our brand is hurting our company, our employees, our customers, and our partners.”

The pair founded RHODE in 2014 and have since had garments carried by Net-a-Porter, gained media attention from Vogue, and even attracted celebrity fans like Beyoncé and Jamie Chung. The brand is projected to earn $14.5 million this year and $20 million in 2023 as they plan to expand beyond fashion in the future. Meanwhile, all five of Bieber’s debut products have sold out.

So, if both brands appear to be successful, what’s the problem?

The key to understanding this lawsuit is the fact that Hailey’s team was seemingly aware of the potential confusion the two brands would generate among consumers.

In less than a month, Bieber’s Rhode has amassed 473K Instagram followers (@rhode) compared to the fashion house’s 201K (@shoprhode). A simple Google search for “rhode” also places rhodeskin.com as the number one result.

According to The Fashion Law, RHODE argues that in November 2018 Bieber’s team “offered to buy Rhode’s trademark registration” after filing a trademark application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) for a “stylized depiction of the word “Rhode” for use on apparel.”

However, they abandoned this trademark request in 2019. After which, Bieber’s team filed three intent-to-use applications: one for “Hailey Rhode” for use on clothing in 2019, one for a plain RHODE word mark in February 2020, and one for a stylized depiction of “Rhode” in December 2020 for use on skincare products, fragrances, etc. RHODE did not oppose any of these three applications, but did decline to sell their trademark registration in 2018.

Now, RHODE emphasizes that the attempted purchase demonstrates Bieber’s team clearly recognized “Rhode’s prior rights to the use of RHODE.”

In case you were wondering, Rhode is Hailey’s middle name. But, “the law on this is clear: you can’t create this kind of brand confusion just because you want to use your name,” said Lisa Simpson, an attorney for RHODE.

Bieber and her team have not publicly responded to the lawsuit, meaning only time will tell if she’ll have a change of heart.

SKKN by Kim Kardashian

We all know Kim Kardashian is no stranger to controversy.

This time, she’s being sued by Beauty Concepts, a small Black-owned business based in Brooklyn, which provides salon services under the name SKKN+.

Kardashian’s corporation, Kimsaprincess (I wish I made this up), “locked down” SKKN.com and @skkn social media handles in December 2020 and filed trademark applications for SKKN by Kim and SKKN on March 30, 2021 and July 9, 2021, respectively.

These actions prompted Beauty Concepts’ founder, Cyndie Lunsford, to send Kardashian a cease and desist letter.

In a release shared with US Weekly, Lunsford said, “I have painstakingly built my successful small business with my own sweat equity, hard work and research. It’s clear that I established my brand first. As a young black woman, my mission with SKKN+ is to provide quality skincare and curated full body experiences to enhance each client’s self-care regimen.”

Lunsford’s esthetician business has operated with the name SKKN+ since 2018, and she filed a trademark application on March 28, 2021—just two days before Kardashian applied for “SKKN by Kim.”

At the time the letter was sent, Kim’s lawyer, Michael G. Rhodes, told TMZ, “the question at hand is one of trademark law and we’ve not done anything deserving of legal action by her.”

Now, an official lawsuit has been filed alleging trademark infringement over the name.

According to TMZ’s review of the lawsuit, Lunsford is arguing that the brand SKKN is confusing to customers and Kardashian’s team ignored the requests made in the original cease and desist.

Rhodes (we know, *another* Rhode) responded to the lawsuit in a lengthy statement to TMZ, calling the lawsuit a “shakedown effort” and said it’s “less about the law of trademarks and more about trying to leverage a settlement by threatening to harm Ms. Kardashian’s name and reputation.”

One could argue her name and reputation have already been deservedly called into question time and time again, but we’ll return to that later.

Rhodes further defended his client, explaining that when they received the cease and desist letter, Beauty Concepts “was a one-person shop offering facials from a single Brooklyn location. The salon had no signage and was by appointment only. To our knowledge, Beauty Concepts sold no products under the SKKN+ name.”

The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office also rejected Lunsford’s attempt to challenge Kardashian’s trademark application.

“Undaunted, Beauty Concepts then tried to make its business seem more than it was – it leased a new storefront, changed its website, etc,” said Rhodes. “Several times we reached out to Beauty Concepts, trying to find a sensible path to coexistence. We pointed out that running a small esthetician business in Brooklyn does not give it the right to shut down a global skin care line.”

SKKN+ unveiled its brand new storefront on May 3, 2022, with Lunsford writing on Instagram, “SKKN+ has truly evolved more than I ever envisioned… I want to express my gratitude towards my clients who have supported me from the very beginning, those that have been patrons of the business over the years, and all of our future clients. We cannot wait to serve you and I would not be in this position without you all!”

At this time, it still appears that no products are sold by Lunsford under the SKKN+ name.

Meanwhile, Kardashian’s SKKN by Kim has amassed a staggering 5.5 million Instagram followers, demonstrating the power she continues to hold over the masses, undeterred by her years-long run of cultural appropriation. It was only three years ago that Kardashian had to change the name of her shapewear brand from Kimono to SKIMS, and she’s repeatedly been called out for Blackfishing.

This time, Kardashian appears prepared to stand her ground, with Rhodes telling ET their team is looking forward to presenting their case in court.

For now, both lawsuits remain in the hands of the court, and we’ll be patiently waiting to hear the outcome.

Images: Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic via Getty Images (2)

Ahead of the premiere of the Kardashians’ new eponymous reality show on Hulu, Kim Kardashian earned herself a slew of (mostly bad) press due to her comments about work ethic, which she made to Variety. In case you somehow avoided the internet for the week or so of responses that followed (give me tips so I can do the same for the Oscars discourse), when asked what advice she’d give to women in business, Kim replied, “Get your fucking ass up and work. It seems like nobody wants to work these days. Show up and do the work.” After (rightfully) receiving a good amount of backlash, Kim has decided to apologize—sort of. In true Kardashian fashion, the apology is half-assed and low-key insulting.

The wheels of the Kardashian media engine never stop turning, and this week, Kim Kardashian sat down with Robin Roberts for an interview on Good Morning America. Among other topics, she offered a halfhearted apology for her now-infamous remarks on work ethic, telling Roberts that her comment “really became a soundbite with no context.” The alleged context? Kardashian explains that the question before the one about advice for women in business was one about how, after 20 years of being in the business, she’s famous for being famous. She says, “my whole tone and attitude changed with the previous question that went into that question about what advice would you give to women.” She then goes on to sort of amending her previous advice to women, saying, “having a social media presence and being on a reality show does not mean overnight success, and you have to work really hard to get there even if it might seem like it’s easy.” 

It’s not particularly original for a celebrity to blame their shitty take on context—recently, Damon Albarn did the same thing when he got roasted for saying Taylor Swift doesn’t write her own music. The context is that Albarn was discussing with the LA Times how vulnerable it can feel to be a solo act, saying, “You learn whether the songs are any good or whether they were popular at the time because of the sound and the attitude. It’s a day of reckoning — and one, to be honest, that not much modern music could withstand.” Interviewer Mikael Wood asked, “You think a lot of modern musicians are relying on sound and attitude?” Albarn replied, “Name me someone who’s not,” to which Wood replied, “She may not be to your taste, but Taylor Swift is an excellent songwriter.” Albarn said, “She doesn’t write her own songs,” and then went on to say, among other things, “co-writing is very different to writing.” 

That’s far too much context than was necessary to understand what Albarn meant (hint: it’s exactly what he said), but the point is, Albarn said his remarks were “reduced to clickbait” when they were actually just reported. Similarly, the context for Kim Kardashian’s “get your fucking ass up and work” comments is that she and her sisters were doing a video interview with Variety and they were asked to give advice to women in business. That’s it, that’s the context. The fact that Kim may have been asked a kind of crappy and tired question right before is irrelevant. Kim has all the media training in the world; she more than almost anyone should know how to bounce back from a bad question. It would be one thing if she was specifically asked about growing a social media business or giving advice to aspiring influencers, and that would be important context, but she wasn’t. 

Kardashian said that her comments that “nobody wants to work these days” was not “a blanket statement towards women or to feel like I don’t respect the work, or think that they don’t work hard.” But in the Variety interview, she straight-up said, “it seems like nobody wants to work these days.” Kardashian says to says to Roberts, “it was taken out of context, but I’m really sorry if it was received that way,” but really, what other way is there to receive it? And saying “I’m sorry if…” is a classic non-apology that fails to take responsibility. What “if” is there?? The briefest of audits of the internet would have revealed that Kim’s comments were, in fact, received as a blanket statement towards women and a lack of respect for their work. Earlier in the clip, Kardashian even agrees with Roberts that the statement “got a lot of backlash.” In the immortal words of Lauren Conrad, you know what you did.

This all just feels par for the course for the Kardashians. They want the attention of saying something controversial without the blowback. They want the benefits of Photoshopping without being called out for it. I don’t even really have any energy to be mad about this non-apology; I just wish Kim would take the first page out of the reality TV playbook and say what she means and own it.

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There are two types of people in the world pertaining to Kardashian drama; those who sit back in disbelief, pointing fingers and assuming the unassumable, at the co-parenting chaos ensuing between the power couple formerly known as Kimye. And the rest of us, who have already been divorced, are hardly surprised by the drama and, unfortunately, know exactly what she’s going through.

For those of you living under a rock, I’ll summarize the exact details of said chaos:

Kanye has taken to social media to publicly attack, criticize, try to apologize, and then go back to criticizing Kim Kardashian, her parenting choices, and now, even her family. It’s like watching a very glam train wreck headed for the side of a Calabasas mountain in slow motion, and while this fodder has made for unique Instagram meme content, the sad truth is that none of this is funny—at least, not to those who have walked in Kim’s shoes with an ex-spouse before. What Kim Kardashian is experiencing at the hands of her soon-to-be-ex-husband, in front of all the world—and her kids—to see, is known as post-separation abuse/control.

Post-separation control, also known as coercive control, is defined as “a form of abuse that some ex-spouses use to maintain power and control over the partner they are separated or divorced from, long after a relationship or marriage is over, common at the hands of people with high-conflict personalities or more specific personality disorders.”

I’m a Certified Divorce and Co-Parenting Specialist and my book, Moms Moving On: Real-Life Advice on Conquering Divorce, Co-Parenting Through Conflict, and Becoming Your Best Self, comes out March 15. Most of my clients, followers, and readers have come to me saying things like, “I was never even a Kardashian fan before, but I just feel so bad for Kim,” or “Oh my goodness, I feel like I’m watching the celebrity version of my exact life.” 

Others, however, have made claims that I’m here to refute, such as “He’s crazy and just doing that for press,” or, “She probably deserves it,” as some very salty men have commented on my Instagram feed. And listen, I’m not here to diagnose or delve deep into Kanye’s mental health struggles, but regardless of what they are, it doesn’t make it okay to berate an ex and their parenting choices in any way, shape, or form. While some might think that because this kind of abuse isn’t physical, it isn’t that big a deal, the control is often executed in ways that could only be described as psychological and emotional terrorism, which is far harder to prove—thus making it far harder to stop.

How does post-separation control rear its ugly head? Let’s go back to where a lot of this started for Kim and Kanye: TikTok.

In early February, Kanye posted a plea on Instagram asking his followers to explain why his daughter was put on TikTok against his will. Well, Kanye, sorry, bud, but unfortunately, regardless of what anyone’s opinions are on letting children use TikTok, your ex-wife is under no obligation to justify what she does in her home, with her children, to you or anybody else*.

And this is precisely where this type of coercive control begins.

“Why do you let our child eat sugary cereal in your house? You’re a terrible mother.”

“I don’t want my kids watching those shows in your house.”

“What kind of parent are you if you’re wearing those outfits around my kids?”

If you’re divorced from or divorcing a high-conflict personality type, I know you know exactly what I mean.

Sure, these statements seem pretty harmless until you give into one or two of your ex’s demands and start to find that no matter what you do, the demands, threats, and insults continue, making you feel as if you’re still married — or worse, emotionally obligated — to the person you fought so hard to leave. The person engaging in this type of abusive control will undoubtedly insist that their demands are “what’s best for the children,” completely ignoring that what’s best for the children in any divorced family is having parents who are not constantly at war. These types of psychological abuse tactics very closely mirror the tactics used in psychological torture, which Biedermann’s Chart of Coercion — a tool designed by sociologist Albert Biedermann in 1957 to demonstrate and explain the coercive methods of stress manipulation used to torture prisoners of war — lists as:

Isolation 

Monopolization of Perception

Induced Debility and Exhaustion

Threats, Occasional Indulgences

Degradation

and Enforcing Trivial Demands.

Love her or hate her, Kim’s response was the type that any divorce industry expert would have given as well, highlighting the fact that Kanye’s attacks on his daughter’s mother would leave much deeper wounds than any caused by TikTok:

“Kanye’s constant attacks on me in interviews and on social media is actually more hurtful than any TikTok North might create,” Kardashian West wrote. “As the parent who is the main provider and caregiver for our children, I am doing my best to protect our daughter while also allowing her to express her creativity in the medium that she wishes with adult supervision — because it brings her happiness.” Kardashian West went on to write that “divorce is difficult enough on our children” and that her estranged husband’s “obsession with trying to control and manipulate our situation so negatively and publicly is only causing further pain for all.”

She’s not wrong, and neither is my point about a coercive or emotionally abusive ex never knowing when to stop and always finding something to fight about. Since the TikTok drama, Kanye has also taken to social media to trash Kim’s boyfriend, Pete Davidson, threatening to attack him and calling him names, as well as publicly humiliating other Kardashian confidantes all while insisting that everyone is out to get him. Hate to break it to you, Ye, but the common denominator of all this drama is you.

So what do you do if you’re a regular person trying to navigate a regular divorce with someone engaging in post-separation abuse/coercive control?

Acceptance, On Two Levels

To properly handle this type of abuse, you first have to accept that it’s happening. You know deep in your gut what feels like an infringement on your territory or an attack on your character, so please don’t rely on other people validating whether or not this is, in fact, a form of abuse. It is.

The second form of acceptance you’ll need to harness is the kind that comes from accepting that no matter what you do or don’t do, whether or not you constantly bend to the needs of an abuser, you will not change who this person is or how they try to treat you.

Set Boundaries

Physical and emotional boundaries are critical when you are co-parenting with a high-conflict, controlling ex. If there is a threat of physical violence, a protective order will make a world of difference in your life. The other kind of boundaries, the ones needed to stop you from being emotionally bowled over by your ex’s nonsense, range from giving up the need to answer to your ex’s demands, muting his texts and emails as not to let yourself get triggered each time they come in, and remembering that you do not need to step into the proverbial ring any time this person wants to box. Remember that these boundaries are not there to change him but to change how you react. Stay consistent.

*Follow Your Parenting Plan

Earlier, I mentioned that how you choose to run your household and parent your children is absolutely not your ex’s business — unless there are specific parameters set forth by your attorneys in your parenting plan or divorce agreement. If your ex makes a demand that is not clearly listed in your plan, that’s their problem, not yours.

Stay On Higher Ground

Your ex can belittle you, trash you publicly, and try to attack your character, but actions speak far louder — and make a much more lasting impact — than words. Avoid the need to stoop to the level of your high-conflict ex, and one day, your kids will thank you for always being the safe port in their chaotic divorce storm.

Teach Your Kids Critical Thinking Skills

If your ex is trying to attack or control you by bad-mouthing you to your children, this is when critical thinking comes into play. Teach your kids to think for themselves, make decisions on their feelings, and analyze evidence before deciding what’s true.

Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Leaving a marriage to someone like Kanye is often as hard as being in one — until you learn to take back your control. The day you put up those emotional walls, learn to block out the noise, and remember that just because someone says something doesn’t make it true, a whole new life begins.

Image: Ian West/PA Images via Getty Images

Just when you think he’s gone for good…’tis the season to once again be Pete Davidson. And with the holidays approaching, Pete is under more pressure than ever to create meaningful memories photo ops with his significant other. Presently, that significant other just so happens to be the one and only Kim Kardashian. Apart from their staged kiss on SNL and a few paparazzi shots at Knott’s Scary Farm, we haven’t seen too much of the couple since their first night on Aladdin’s magic carpet. What we do know of their relationship has been only speculation from Pete & Kim frenemy-fans. Where do they go on dates? What do they do together? What do they say? Do they even say anything or do they just use emojis? God, do they even use emojis? Are they celebrating Thanksgiving together? Has he met her kids? Does he know she has kids? Do not fret! All of your questions are about to be answered in this very real story of exactly what the very real Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian are up to this very real holiday season. So without further ado, may we present: The 12 Dates of Krismas. 

1. On their first date of Krismas, in an act of sincere vulnerability, Pete Davidson takes Kim Kardashian on a romantic stroll around (you guessed it) Staten Island’s Freshkills Park. Kim can’t help but think that “Freshkills” would be a great name for a Skims x Yeezy collab. Wait. Should she answer one of her 300 voice notes from Ye? She looks over to the mysterious Pete, who is now chasing frogs in the swamp. She shakes her head, no. Pete is too good to let go: he’s so tall. 

2. Pete still doesn’t feel like Kim truly “gets” who he is: 28, childless, and totally without life-preserving instincts. So, he treats her to the most humbling experience 2021 has to offer: a Lyft. Kim is surprised by how fun it is not to know what that smell is or who their driver is or if they’re vaccinated. Dates with Pete are always exhilarating! They’re dropped off at Coney Island and they spend a dreamy night getting lost in the fried food, roller coaster rides, and dizzying lights of it all. Pete can’t believe how funny Kim actually is and Kim can’t believe how tall Pete is. The night is straight out of a movie. “Requiem for a Dream,” suggests Pete. “No, Uptown Girls,” Kim disagrees. It’s their first fight. 

3. The next day on his lunch break, Pete meets Kim at her Balenciaga fitting. Predictably, she’s wrapped head-to-toe in black. Pete mistakenly makes 10 too many Death Eater jokes so she sends him out to grab salads. He comes back with limp Sweetgreen. If that’s not bad enough, there’s bleu cheese on top. It takes everything in her not to cry. Why does she put up with this? Pete shuffles back to work, a complete and utter embarrassment of a human graffiti tower.   

4. On the fourth date of Krismas, Pete spends his 12 hours of allotted SNL weekend meeting Kim in Los Angeles. On the plane, he Googles “Kim Kardashian’s favorite restaurants.” He feels a slight tingle of satisfaction not typing “West” at the end of her name. A popular Middle Eastern restaurant, Carousel’s, pops up and he books a reservation. Paparazzi hound them when they enter, but Pete remains unfazed. She compliments his ability to stay calm in the storm. It takes everything in him not to mention that the paparazzi was twice as severe when he was with Ari. After all, this isn’t his first Kate Beckinsale. Instead, he smiles widely as they bond over their love of bread baskets and ice water. Then, Kim reminds him not to smile so widely and he complies. It feels like love. 

5. After several shared FaceTimes on the importance of branding, Pete realizes the only way to impress Kim is to double down on his own brand. So, he takes her back to Staten Island. Again. This time, they reenact the dance from My Best Friend’s Wedding on the Staten Island Ferry. Unfortunately, Pete’s plan backfires. Rather than him becoming the Dermot Mulroney to her Julia Roberts, Kim begins to consider that maybe they’re both just friends famous. She wraps her arms around his waist, the highest part of him that she can reach, and cranes her neck to look up at him like he’s the ninth floor of Bergdorf’s. Instantly, her doubts dissipate. He really is so tall. 

6. On the sixth date of Krismas, Pete taps into his romantic side and plans an intimate night on the town—just the two of them. Channeling his inner Mr. Big, he books a carriage ride in Central Park. Pete brings his favorite Staten Island sandwich for the ride and they cozy up under a Barefoot Dreams blanket he bought, mistaking it for Skims. Thankfully, Kim doesn’t take the insult personally. Instead, they bond over the tragic loss of both their fathers. Pete explains that his father, a firefighter, died an American hero. Kim explains that her father, too, died. Well, anyway, it feels like destiny.

7. Running out of ideas, Pete becomes a feminist and suggests Kim make the plans. Kim Googles “italian food for normal people.” She texts her second assistant to book them a private table at Pizza Hut. Alternatively, her assistant suggests they order it in. Cute! They spend the night nibbling on New York’s Pizza Hut and watching JoJo Siwa videos so Kim can have something to bond with North about. Kim graciously comments that the Cinnabon® Mini Rolls taste just like Italy. Pete returns the favor by asking Kim to tell North that he also loves JoJo Siwa. Later that night they get a DM from North—she now despises JoJo Siwa. 

8. Feeling like there’s already some tension, Kim arranges a Meet-and-Greet with North. North’s schedule is far too busy for a full-on trip to the Big Apple but generously, North agrees to a half-hour Zoom with Pete if he’ll donate to her favorite nail technician’s charity. Pete spends the day arranging a backdrop fit for an eight-year-old. He hangs his Harry Potter posters in the back and clears all the smog out of his room. Kim comes over later that night. They enter the Zoom excited but North is ten minutes late. Regardless, when her face finally does pop up, Pete greets her with a happy “Hey, Nori!” North instantly exits the zoom. 

9. On the ninth date of Krismas, Kim sleeps through her alarm and misses the date. Pete saves $12,000 that day. It’s a win-win. 

10. Making up for lost time, Kim agrees to spend some time with Pete’s best friend. So, Kim and Pete go to his mom’s house on Staten Island. Pete smokes a few joints while Kim courageously proves that celebrities eat Cheetos too. It might just be the clouds of smoke, but Kim is starting to really picture a future with the comedian. If her mom can date a nobody, why not her? After all, she can probably convince him to quit that little skit show he does and move to LA full-time. Pete loves how smart, successful, kind, generous, thoughtful, and caring Kim is. Kim loves how tall Pete is. She leaves Staten Island more smitten than ever. 

11. Everything’s coming up Pete! After 10 dates, it seems like Pete has everything it takes to become Kim’s fourth assistant boyfriend. But it’s almost Krismas, and that means Pete is going to need a suit. Kim mistakenly accepts an invitation to join Pete at his local Big & Tall. Mortified, Kim calls in a favor. Riccardo Tisci agrees to courier some custom Burberry suits over. While Pete is in the dressing room, Kim sneaks the suits on the rack. Two minutes later, Pete just so happens to discover some great new suits and bonus: they’re tagless! “That means they’re free,” he jokes. The 15-year-old sales clerk nods in agreement, clutching her signed Lip Kit. 

12. The 12th date of Krismas finally arrives. It’s the night of the annual Kardashian Christmas Eve Party, and Pete couldn’t be more excited to meet the family. Kris Jenner, of course, is first to greet them. She hugs Pete tightly and autographs a cocktail napkin, thinking he’s one of the Make-A-Wish guests. Kendall, being the tallest, is actually able to make eye contact and sees things in Pete’s eyes she’s certain Kim has never clocked. Kylie uses all her strength to lazily wave from across the room, keeping her distance. Khloé snidely remarks that Pete’s really not *that* tall. But then, Kourtney, in all her glory, innocently suggests that Pete kind of reminds her of Travis. And it is in that exact moment…amongst the Calabasas elite… that Kimberly Noel Kardashian West finally remembers who the hell she is. Instantly, a security guard escorts Pete off the premises and Kim exhales a deep sigh of relief.

Alexa, play “Thank U Next!”  It’s Krismas Eve and Kim is back (only on Hulu).

Images: DFree, Asatur Yesayants /Shutterstock.com

Guys, we made it to 2021. After the complete bullsh*t that was last year, I really hope this year is better. Although so far it’s not super great. I mean, wtf, I thought when the new year hit, everything would be magically fixed, I’d suddenly have the will to exercise again, and the world would make sense. Is that not how it works? But the good news is despite the world literally going up in flames (at least in the U.S.) and a global pandemic, we will always have some consistency in our lives. And that is the fact that Kim Kardashian (no longer West) has no idea what her face looks like. She also really has no idea what a human face looks like. As we know, Kim is the guiltiest of guilty when it comes to Facetune/Photoshop, second only to her sister Kylie. Let me tell you, at this point I’m partially convinced they’re just lizard people trying to pose as humans because why else must they edit their faces so much in every single pic? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, GUYS?

So my editor sent this pic:

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian)

And I was like, “K, cool, who is this?”

Which. Do you know how many articles like this I’ve written about Kim? Do you know how many valuable hours of my life I have spent staring at her stupid face(s)? And still, this edit is so bad that I legit did not know who it was until I looked at the name. And even then, I was like, “Wait did they use some model? IS SHE JOKING?” But no! She was not joking. Kim thinks this is passable for her own face (and don’t even get me started on the body).

So, why doesn’t it look like Kim? Well. For starters, it looks like Bella Hadid.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Bella 🦋 (@bellahadid)

Who, let’s be real, doesn’t seem to look like herself (or human) anymore either. (What the f*ck is happening to these people???) Look, if you’re going to be editing your pics (which, I highly suggest you don’t, because I think it ultimately harms your self-esteem, aside from fixing just small things like acne or lighting), keeping your face proportions consistent is the most important. I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it again: These slight differences are truly what gives you your own face. The Kardashian Krowd does not do this, and that is why every pic of them looks like different people.

Here’s a close-up of Kim’s pic:

What, and I cannot stress this enough, THE F*CK? She looks like her face is made of playdough. The entire left side is stretched out and it looks like she realized this and tried to smush it back together, resulting in a nose that is literally melting off her face. Her eyes are pulled into a super sharp angle (very common surgical procedure too—see above, Bella Hadid), but she pushed it even further and now they don’t even match. Her lips are also smashed and blown up way bigger than even her injections would allow.

Casual reminder that this is Kim’s normal (well, for all the work she’s had done) face, as of February 2020.

And in case you want to try to tell me It’S tHe AnGle, here ya go.

Here you can really see how bulbously stretched out the left side of her face is. She’s looking almost totally straight forward with a slight head tilt, and yet her nose is all shoved to the side. It gets harder and harder to line these pics up the more she warps her face. I did this one based on her head size and lining up her nose position and lips. Girl, put the Facetune down!

Kim, I know times are tough, super sorry to hear about the divorce, but I really don’t want to know what kind of men you’ll attract with this smashed out head and face look you are going for. Maybe you could try just being yourself?

Images: Karwai Tang/Getty Images; kimkardashian, bellahadid / Instagram; Tenor