President Trump is in some amount of legal trouble. You would be forgiven if you don’t know exactly how much — my therapist has recommended I try to get to your level. However, he’s been indicted anywhere between one and 14 times, on anywhere from 29 to 821 counts. There is a possibility that he might serve time in jail, but my hopes aren’t high. Like a flying cockroach, I don’t believe he’ll ever be jailed or die — it’s just not his style.
None of these punishments will be enough, but we should take what we can get. The justice system could consider in its stead:
-
Deleting his Truth Social account
-
Letting him keep his Truth Social, but hiding the like-count
-
Forcing him to watch Ivanka laugh at a joke Ron DeSantis made (to be fair, that would be weird for all of us)
-
Seating him next to Megyn Kelly at dinner
-
Making him go vegetarian
-
Reading him a book written by a woman
-
Showing him a video of a C-section
-
Turning off the AC at Mar-a-Lago for half an hour
-
Forcing him to sit through one of his children’s graduation ceremonies….without his phone
-
Changing his Netflix password
-
A lifetime of sex with sixes
-
Forcing him to watch all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls (plus the reboot) with Chris Christie, who’s giving a live commentary
-
Making him go to Church for an entire hour every week
-
Replacing OAN with an AI-generated video of Ron DeSantis taking the oath of office
-
Taking away his phone
-
Directing all his interview requests to his spam folder, where he’ll never find them
-
Putting all his cronies in jail without him, so there’s no one left in Florida to pay attention to him
-
Forgetting to wish him a happy half-birthday
-
Forgetting to wish him a happy full-birthday
-
Leaving him in an attention-deprivation chamber (aka an empty mansion with no Wi-Fi)
-
Leaving his name off the New York Times homepage for 10 full days
-
Letting him believe it’s possible people have forgotten about him
-
Sending him a video of a 6-year-old in New Zealand asking, “Who is Donald Trump?”
Okay, this just in from Trump’s legal team: He’d like to check himself into jail.
