If there’s one thing I’m thankful for during this pandemic, it’s Netflix. The platform is consistently dropping amazing content that allows me to forget that we are at the actual end of the world, and allows me to avoid cleaning my closet like I promised I would when this whole thing started nine weeks ago. It’s a multi-tasker, unlike me. This month, Netflix dropped season two of Dead to Me, and to say I was excited is an understatement. Murder, good. Dark humor, good. Gorgeous real estate, good! What’s not to like? And I’m pleased to say the second season delivered on all counts, and got me addicted to orange wine. I’m sad I’ve binged the whole thing (the show, not the wine…maybe), but now I have countless hours alone in my house to ponder the way it ended. So, can we talk about all the lingering questions the season 2 finale of Dead to Me leaves us with? But first, I must warn you, SPOILERS AHEAD! If you don’t want to know what happens, stop reading! I’m much more of a Jen than a Judy, so if you yell at me in the comments after I warned you, I might sell you a house with a little bit of mold.
Will Ben Get Away With His Hit-And-Run?
The final scenes of the season see Jen and Judy sitting in the car, marveling at the stop sign Jen successfully got installed. And then BAM! They are T-boned by another vehicle, which turns out to be driven by a drunk, off-the-wagon Ben who immediately flees the scene. The women appear to be alive, but injured. This is definitely not the kind of boning Jen wanted from Ben.
It’s not clear whether the women realized it was Ben who hit them, so this could be next year’s season-long mystery. This accident is definitely going to weigh on Ben’s conscience, since he’s actually a nice guy, as opposed to his verbally abusive, money laundering, trashbag, formerly alive semi-identical twin. Will next season focus more on his guilt? Or will it be Jen and Judy trying to solve a crime instead of cover one up for once?
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Oh precious Ben, I wish I didn’t have to hate you.
Are The Women Finally Going To Get Caught For Steve’s Murder?
This whole season was a wild ride. It began with Steve dead in Jen’s pool, and eventually revealed that she killed him, not in self-defense, but because he was an asshole. I’m no judge, but I’m pretty sure that defense is legally rock-solid. By the end of the season, Jen couldn’t take the guilt anymore, and didn’t want Judy or her son blamed for her crimes, so she goes to Detective Perez and confesses. Jen can’t find where she and Judy buried the body in the 700,000 acres of Angeles National Forest, and Perez decides to let her off the hook so this crime doesn’t ruin Jen’s family any further. That’s so sweet! I’m no cop, but I’m pretty sure they’re allowed to let off the murderers they like.
“I couldn’t help but wonder…DOES Angeles Forest have more dead bodies than trees?” pic.twitter.com/kAAwuIXGyq
— Dead To Me (@deadtome) May 15, 2020
Unfortunately for Jen, she might not have been able to find Steve’s body in the giant forest, but the dog and its owner that Jen and the detective ran into seem to have better luck. We don’t see the dog actually find the body, but we do see it furiously digging at the site that Judy marked. Personally if my dog was going crazy at what appeared to be the perfect body dump site I may have stopped her, but I guess if you’re insane enough to go hiking at dawn, maybe you don’t mind if your dog parades around with a skull in its jaw. We eventually find out that the body was unearthed from the phone call to Ben, so what will happen now? Will the body reveal Jen as the murderer? Will Detective Perez get in trouble? That hiker did see them walking around. Fingers crossed she hadn’t had her thermos coffee yet!
I promise you, though, if Jen does go to trial for this next season I’ll be screaming at my TV “If the dead guy was a twit, you must acquit!” Who’s with me?
And What About The Money Laundering?
For most of the season, Judy is concerned with getting her paintings back from Steve’s art gallery. I mean, sure, they’re cute if your vibe is Big Eyes for pedophiles, but let’s be real, Judy could paint another one pretty quickly if someone decided they just had to have a piece of art that would give them nightmares for the rest of their life. So why did she really want them back? Oh, just for the hundreds of thousands of dollars that was stashed in the frames. I guess we know how Steve was laundering money!
Jen and Judy decide to take that money to buy out Jen’s mother-in-law (her name was on the deed of Jen’s house) and also buy Charlie a car. So keeping it under the radar then, huh, ladies? Is it smart to use laundered money? I’m asking this as a serious question. I mean, every time I do my taxes I’m afraid I’ve accidentally withheld money and just sit with my hands out waiting for the IRS to come and cuff me for days, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask this question, but it seems like a bad idea! Not only is the FBI onto the money laundering scheme, but weren’t dangerous people supposed to get that money? I highly doubt that the police captain who went to jail for killing Steve is the highest ranking member of the Greek crime syndicate Steve was involved with. So, next season will we see Jen and Judy tangled up in this crime as well? Ugh. Can’t these ladies catch a break? I just want to watch them get drunk in that gorgeous backyard FOR ONCE without worrying if orange jumpsuits will wash them out.
Can You Really Kill A Man With A Small Wooden Animal?
I truly believe that Jen has a lot of rage in her. I understand. I mean, I’ve gotten as violent as she does one time at the gym when I realized I went all the way there and my headphones were in my apartment. And my husband wasn’t even killed in a hit-and-run! So, I don’t blame her. But I don’t think even Jen’s amount of rage could turn a tiny hollow wooden bird into a murder weapon. Could she have gotten a few good pecks in? Absolutely! A little neck irritation to really make him think about what he said? 100%. Murder? Lol, no. For that, she should have used the gun that she had in her possession.
I also get that perhaps it was symbolic. Steve killed Ted, Jen’s husband. Jen’s son thinks the bird is Ted. Therefore, Ted kills Steve back. Very deep. And I don’t begrudge them that. But I do think they maybe should have established that the bird was filled with lead or something. Had Henry collapse under its weight when he carries it around. Maybe talk about how in its former life Arnold Schwarzenegger used it for body building. Have someone drop it and let it make a six-foot-deep hole in the ground. Anything, really! Literally anything that would make it slightly more believable that an object so tiny would kill such an incredibly handsome grown man. I’m going to need to take a closer look at Karen’s security footage to see it for myself, and she better go get that f*cking orange wine too.
Will Charlie Keep Their Secret?
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. I hate you. Yes, your dad was murdered in the first season, your mother is a bit unstable, and you have a random woman with a disconcertingly cheery demeanor and aggressively sweet wardrobe occasionally living in your pool house, but you’re still a little sh*t. I never side with the teenagers anymore. God, I’m old, aren’t I?
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This season, Charlie finds dead Steve’s very expensive car in his mother’s storage unit and decides that it’s a gift FOR HIM, takes it out, picks up his girlfriend in it, has sex, takes pictures, and then lets it run out of gas on a dead-end street. Youths! And the car isn’t the only thing he steals this season. He also has a penchant for taking weed from Judy, and it’s in her very easy to find hiding spot, that he spots the note his mother left him. We don’t exactly know what the letter says, but I can only assume it is a confession. Will Charlie keep his mom’s secret next season? I think the answer to that depends on how many cars the ladies buy him, and how many promises they make to never talk to him about STDs again.
What Is A Semi-Identical Twin?
When James Marsden showed up this season after being murdered and falling into the pool in the first season finale I thought, “That Steve was a douchebag and a strong swimmer?!” Friends, he was not a strong swimmer. This other James Marsden character was Steve’s twin, Ben. But not just a regular twin, a semi-identical twin. I know what you’re thinking, but no, that’s not what Lindsay Lohan is.
There’s nothing I love more in this world than discovering something new about twins (seriously), and according to the internet semi-identical twins are indeed a thing. And look, you don’t need me using the words fertilized, egg, and sperm in this article (whoops!) so I’ll spare you the gory details and just tell you they’re really rare, and share more genetic material than fraternal twins, and up to as much as identical twins. I cannot emphasize enough how shocked I am that Grey’s Anatomy has never used this as a plot line. You know Shonda Rhimes in isolation right now rage texting all her writers. Regardless of wtf they are, they let us keep James Marsden and for that I will always be grateful to semi-identical twins.
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And those are all my burning questions after watching season 2 of Dead to Me! What did you all think of the season? Will you also be checking all of your friends’ garage freezers from now on? Let me know!
Images: Saeed Adyani / Netflix; Giphy (2); deadtome/Instagram (4); deadtome/Twitter
