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Welcome back, folks, to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! I fully expect this week’s episode to include a total of 30 minutes of actual usable footage and the remaining 1.5 hours will be a metaphorical drawing and quartering of Luke P’s character. I’m giddy with anticipation. When we last left off, Hannah and the men were in Crete, Greece, where she had to decide which of the men she would need to bang in a windmill connect with on a deeper level and which of them she would just dry hump for nine hours. Tbh I’m still not well with her choices. But one choice I can get behind from last week’s episode is that Hannah finally sent Luke P back to the communal shower from whence he crawled out of—and all it took was him slut shaming her on national television and then condescendingly asking her to pray with him! I would have dumped him the first time I saw him line up with the other guys and realized he was entire heads and shoulders smaller than the rest of them, but to each her own, I guess.
The Rose Ceremony
Moving on. Back in Crete, we’re picking things up where we left off with the rose ceremony. Hannah, finally free of the 5’6″ overly coiffed Big Jesus Energy that was Luke P, shows up to deliver the roses looking like she just walked off my mood board from junior year of high school. Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, Hannah, but Deb called and they want their prom dress back, honey!
Hannah:
Me:
Meanwhile, Luke P is back AND HE BROUGHT A RING. What?!?!? He’s like, “I’m on my way and I’m coming” and that’s a line I’ll hear in my nightmares. Honestly, any producer who can talk a grown man into humiliating himself on national TV twice within the span of 18 hours AND to do it with an engagement ring he was definitely told was a Neil Lane diamond when it’s really from the Denny’s gumball machine down the street, deserves a raise. Bravo, sir.
Chris Harrison: Hannah, do you know who you’re going to send home?
Me to my dog alone in my living room: It should be whoever suggested this outfit.
I love that Luke goes to stand in line with the other three men WHO HAVEN’T BEEN ELIMINATED ALREADY as if he will be getting a rose this evening also. It’s this mix of confidence and delusional thinking that I’ll be bringing with me into my next job performance review.
God, Luke has no shame. He keeps saying how he loves Hannah and the relationship isn’t over for him yet and it’s like, GO HOME LUKE. YOUR MOTHERBOARD IS MALFUNCTIONING. Seriously, which intern pulled him off the charger and let him walk right into that rose ceremony? Chris, was that your least favorite nephew again?
Luke continues to beg and plead for Hannah’s attention and, honestly, it’s getting hard to watch. Normally, reducing a grown man to groveling on national TV is how I get off my preferred method of winding down after a long day, but honestly, I don’t know how much more I can take of this, especially as it becomes clear that he’s not leaving.
Hannah tries to take control of the situation by physically moving the table with the roses on it so he’s not standing in front of it anymore, and he STILL crowds her space. It’s unsettling to watch and maybe even a little triggering. Why do I feel like half the men back home watching this are thinking to themselves “I would never treat a woman like this” but have also sent a text/DM/subtweet to a woman that said “whatever ur a fat bitch and i wuz never into you anyway” when rejected?
Luke: Can you seriously look me in the eyes and tell me it’s over?
Hannah:
I love how Jed is acting like he is the sole reason Luke was finally dismissed from the rose ceremony. You literally just stood there in your poop brown suit and raised your eyebrows from a safe distance. That’s all you did!!
“The Men Tell All” Also Known As “The Luke P Show”
In a jarring transition from rose ceremony to The Men Tell All, Chris Harrison starts things off by calling in Jesus’s favorite f*ckboy: Luke. I’m sorry, but I thought this was The Bachelorette? Why are we giving this Fox & Friends acolyte one more minute of screen time? He practically hijacked this entire season, does he really need a spotlight during The Men Tell All? We know he’s a piece of sh*t, we don’t need to devote the remaining hour and fifteen minutes of this episode to investigating this claim at length!
Luke tries to explain his extremely sexist and misogynistic remarks to Hannah during the fantasy suite, and it’s not going well for him. He’s like, “I’m not okay with her straddling or mounting or kissing other guys.” STRADDLING OR MOUNTING. These are words being said on primetime television rn!!! He sounds like he’s describing my dog’s archnemesis at the dog park who is always trying to dominate her, instead of the woman he seriously considered marrying.
Also, why did Luke even go on this show? He had to know about the fantasy suites prior to being on this season. Clearly this is not the dating forum for him, so why even go on the show? Did he need to raise money for his church’s mission trip? What was the motive here? I’m suspicious.
Chris Harrison once again tries to pull some sort of emotion out of Luke P by asking him about that half-baked proposal, and the result is a full minute’s worth of silence. You can practically hear his programming malfunctioning in the background. If you look closely enough, you can see the smoke from his wires frying.
“I’m getting choked up over here,” Luke says with absolutely no emotion as he describes in monotone his thought process behind slut shaming a woman on national television. No, you’re getting choked up because for the first time in your life people are holding you accountable for your words and actions and it’s upsetting to you.
Luke: If I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing.
IF I COULD GO BACK I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING!! Is this the part where the angry mob swarms him? Because if so I’ve been sharpening my pitch fork for the last 45 minutes and can be ready to go in 10!
It’s just crazy that he literally has no idea what a piece of sh*t he is. There is no self-awareness there at all. At one point he even mentions wanting to “save” Hannah and refers to his time on the show as a “rescue mission” as if a woman WHO IS THE GODDAMN LEAD OF THE SHOW can’t save herself. Disgusting.
Okay, who tf is Devon and did he go bullfighting before this?
Devon: Can I just be real with you for a second, Luke?
Also Devon:
The resemblance is uncanny!!
I’m sorry, but did Luke truly just say that he believes a man should guide and control the relationship? IN THE YEAR 2019 ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN. You know what? I do hope he gets invited to Paradise this year, if only so I can watch Demi roast him over a spit and serve his entrails to the her enemies. It’s the very least you can do for me, ABC.
Chris invites the other men from Hannah’s season out onto the stage to read the rest of Luke’s crimes before the public hanging commences. I can think of no better punishment for his transgressions than putting him in the public stocks for at least 30 minutes while members of the audience throw spoiled fruit at him and Luke S goes into a detailed account of his tequila brand.
Chris Harrison: Do you guys have anything to say to Luke?
Connor: Yeah, f*ck you man.
Connor! Such language! He better hope his mother isn’t watching. He might have to put a quarter in the swear jar.
Luke continues to dig his own grave with the men. It’s like they all heard it’s 2019 and realized if they want to get laid by their following they’re going to have to do a little more than just post about their new Bachelor recap podcast on IG—they might actually have to show they care for and respect women. Crazy!!
As the crowd starts to turn on Luke and the men finish fashioning their cuff links into makeshift shivs, he tries one last attempt at explaining himself. He talks about the hypocritical moment when he slut shamed Hannah for having sex, when in fact he was not a virgin either. He’s like “some people call it secondary virgin, others call it just the tip, but you know what the deal is!” Do we, Luke??
Luke continues to show zero remorse and then hops on a flight out of there to go find a new woman to emotionally abuse.
A Moment Of Appreciation For The Gift That Keeps On Giving: John Paul Jones
Chris Harrison calls JPJ up to the hot seat next and I would call bullsh*t on that “fan favorite” comment except I just saw a girl in the audience start hysterically crying at the mere mention of his name. It’s like every time he flips his hair a teenage girl has her sexual awakening.
Also, I’m starting to realize that JPJ is actually very attractive? How am I just now noticing this? I mean, does he have the face of someone whose daddy threatened to sue Sigma Alpha Epsilon for not giving him a bid freshman year? Sure, but that’s sort of my type neither here nor there.
You guys, The Men Tell All is taking a very weird turn with this girl who wants to keep a lock of JPJ’s hair to wear around her neck in a locket. I literally want to throw myself into oncoming traffic if I so much as wave to the wrong person and this girl just cut off a piece of a strange man’s hair on national television!! One of us will be bringing this up AT LENGTH with their therapist, and I have a feeling it won’t be her.
Hannah Is Really Sorry, You Guys
Last but not least, we end things with an appearance from the bachelorette herself: Alabama Hannah. She wants us all to know that she’s really, really sorry for keeping a man who most certainly lies about his height on his Christian Mingle bio around for so long. Ah, so we’re making this about Luke again. Got it.
Here’s the thing: I’m glad Hannah can look back on her relationship with Luke and realize that she learned something from all of this. I’m glad that his toxic behavior and misogynistic words are being called out and publicly shamed. Really, I am so glad. BUT, like, I don’t want to hear his name for one more goddamn second. The worst thing we can do to this guy is completely forget about him, to not acknowledge his presence at all. AND YET, we’ve spent the last 2.75 hours discussing him at length. I’m over it.
Tbh I feel like this entire Tell All can be explained in a single gif:
Hannah: I’m truly sorry for dating that douchebag. World peace and roll tide!
Minus that part about “roll tide” that was the exact apology I had to give my sorority when my date at junior year formal got caught doing coke in the bathroom by the hotel manager. It happens to the best of us, girlfriend!
And on that note, that’s it from me this week! See you betches next Monday AND Tuesday where the only thing thrilling about this two-part conclusion will be my rising blood pressure levels. TTYL!
Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy (6); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @starstylecom /Instagram (1)
