I’m one of those women who was faking orgasms up until about 23. I know, I know. It took me a while to finally get real with myself and demand pleasure from my partners, which *surprise, surprise* led me to choose partners who actually cared about my pleasure. I started having more casual sex as I got into my mid to late 20s, and I have to say, it has been the best sex of my life. Sure, the men haven’t all been winners, but if I think about the sex I’m having now versus the sex I had a few years back when I was in my early 20s, it feels like a world of difference.
I’ve always had a deep disdain for hookup culture. Trust me, it has nothing to do with being anti-promiscuous — I have a few hoe stories up my sleeve as well. It mostly has to do with the fact that hookup culture and the way it’s set up today is not beneficial for women whatsoever — especially when you think about when it’s typically popular for someone to engage in said culture (i.e. in college and into your early 20s).
I mean, it makes sense, right? College is usually when you’re living away from home for the first time. There’s all these new people, and everyone puts such a big emphasis on sex. While I definitely think this is a great time for experimentation and getting to know your sexual likes and dislikes, I still am not a big advocate for going on a sex spree when you’re new to adulthood. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude who thinks no one should be hooking up (my friends would call me a hypocrite), I just think women would be better served having a “hoe phase” a little later in life — AKA their late 20s.
In a recent episode of Hot Mess with Alix Earle, Alix is speaking to her sister Ashtin, and they’re talking about college hookup culture and how detrimental it is to girls (because, let’s face it, some of them are newly 18) because of the “gray areas” surrounding consent that seem all-too-common for people engaging in casual sex for the first time. I mean, I’ve been there too: You really like a boy and want to impress him, so even if you really want to say “no” to something they want you to do, you end up saying “yes” simply to avoid humiliation or rejection. Then, you leave that sexual experience feeling used, hurt, and oftentimes even traumatized. And it’s never your fault — you’re young and learning how to navigate sexual relationships, and sometimes, at 18,19, or even 24, you just don’t know how to stand up for yourself, your pleasure, or even your emotional well-being. This coupled with an entire culture that encourages you to sleep around with men — who often do not care about your sexual satisfaction or safety unless they have some sort of emotional attachment to you — is just a bad life phase waiting to happen.
A hoe phase when I was younger would probably traumatize me from having the sex I’m having now. And while I definitely think I’m done with the “casual sex” phase of my life, I’m glad that when I did choose to do it, it was when I was a little older and a better advocate for myself.
Now, I’m never one to tell another woman what and what not to do with her body, but I’ll leave you with this: Casual sex can feel really great and fun when you have the emotional tools to stand up for yourself and what you think feels good, but before that — the sex just might not be that good.
