For onlookers of a relationship, the quality of a couple’s sex life is assumed to be a reflection of their relationship as a whole. I mean, how great a couple’s sex life is should be a pretty good indicator of how good their relationship is, right? Well, not exactly.
People tend to assume that when a couple is having sexual intimacy problems, the way to solve them is to address cracks in the relationship. But the reality is that sometimes there aren’t any cracks. As hard as it is to believe, two people can be in an extremely happy and healthy romantic relationship and still be having problems specifically with their sex lives. In the same way that good sexual chemistry doesn’t necessarily mean a good romantic relationship, sex and relationships aren’t as interconnected as you think — at least in this regard.
Can You Be In A Healthy Relationship Even If The Sex Is Bad?
In her new course “Bringing Desire Back,” psychotherapist and world-renowned relationship expert Esther Perel explains that one of the biggest misconceptions about sex and relationships is that, “sexual problems are always the consequence of relationship problems. If you fix the relationship, the sex will automatically follow.” But she says that this isn’t the case.
“What are the dynamics between the two of you that make sex such a fraught issue?” she encourages you to ask. “You may even tell me we love each other very much. We have no sex. We have been sexless for a long time, but it’s not because we don’t care or love or are intimate with each other.”
When you realize that you have a pretty great relationship with your partner but just aren’t nailing (no pun intended) the sex part, you don’t have to take a giant magnifying glass to your entire relationship. In fact, that might even make matters worse. To fix a sex issue, you have to focus on the actual sex. Go figure.
So, How Do You Fix The Sex Part?
So you realized that sex is pretty much the only issue — where do you go from here? It all goes back to reflection and communication, baby.
What part of sex with your partner is unsatisfying or even bad? Is there a lack of foreplay? Are they just not hitting the right spots? Is something going on mentally here for either of you? The only way to work through these problems is to talk about them.
A lot of sexual incompatibility is really just because people aren’t speaking about their sexual likes, dislikes, and curiosities. You’d be surprised how much better sex gets when you just talk to your partner. And no, I don’t mean just dirty talk (although, I am a fan). Sitting down and saying, “I’m not satisfied with our sex life, let’s work on it” is a great start to revamping your sex life.
Two people who love and care about each other can work through issues they’re having in the bedroom. And the best part is that your relationship is already wonderful! That’s usually the hard part.
