Raise your hand if you’ve felt personally victimized by the lack of attention given to your lady bean during any given sack sesh, because same. Ladies, we are SO much more than a freshly waxed b-hole, so now is the time to put an end to the nurturing of his needs and take control this summer. Saturdays might be for the boys, but we legit just got a whole season dedicated to us and doing hot girl sh*t, so suck it, Chad.
Speaking of douchebags, I once read an Instagram meme that said, “I chose to sleep with him not because I have no respect for myself, but because I have no respect for him,” and I truly felt that one deep down to my inner labia (don’t tell my husband). It’s 2021 and finally time to start giving your sexual needs the same amount of respect you give to your vibrator after faking it for the billionth time. Put the toy back in the drawer, because your pleasure is about to be served on a silver platter with these six femme-first positions.
Double The Pleasure
Hot take: Reverse cowgirl sucks (and don’t @ me). The amount of quad-inducing labor involved is my actual worst nightmare, and don’t even get me started on the awkward insertion angles. That said, with a few tweaks, you can perfect the task of becoming the Annie Oakley of your very own Wild, Wild West fantasy while riding yourself to completion.
According to Jen Landa, M.D., author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women, Double The Pleasure is god’s gift to maximum female stimulation because, hi, it’s about damn time. Here’s the gist: Start off as you would in typical reverse cowgirl, but stretch out one leg while the other knee is still bent beside your partner. Have them bend one leg up so that you’re basically straddling the raised leg with a thigh on either side and voilà, you’ve got a prop to stabilize yourself while rocking their world.
Best part of all? Their thigh also doubles as your own personal cat-scratching post. Landa dubbed this position “reverse cowgirl with a twist”, which allows for optimal clitoral stimulation that will 10/10 make your actual kitty purr with satisfaction. I swear, that’s my last cat pun.
The Edge of Reason
If I had a dollar for every time my husband whined about his stiff neck as a result of oral sex, let’s just say I wouldn’t be praying to the big man upstairs every night for a fourth stimmy check. The Edge of Reason is the G.O.A.T. of oral sex that allows you to keep an open mind, but mostly open legs, all while giving your partner’s neck the mobility of an overactive bobble head doll.
It’s as simple as laying on your back at the edge of any surface of your choosing. Depending on the height of the surface, this gives them the option to kneel, sit, stand… hell, they can even strike a yoga pose. With their face buried in your bed of roses, this gives their hands the freedom to roam about the cabin.
Pro tip: Prop your feet up on your partner’s shoulders for more balance, clitoral accessibility and a one-way ticket to Climax City.
Ladies, it’s time to take back the power we were legit never given at any point in history and take charge of this MFing ship. You may not be working with the spatial capacity of an actual ship, but thankfully this oral sex position doesn’t discriminate against small spaces or dumpy studio apartments, so really, as long as you’ve got an empty wall—or, IDK, a door that closes—you’re good to go.
While in a standing position, lean your back against a wall/door/for the love of god, just something sturdy. Have your partner kneel in front of you, and if I have to explain what comes next, we’ve got bigger issues here. Once the show starts, let the curtains fully open by resting a leg comfortably over your partner’s shoulder. This gives them much more room for work and a straight shot to the buried treasure.
The Good Ex
At the moment, the only person on the planet capable of having a good ex is probably J.Lo, but you’ll soon believe in miracles after the formation of two bodies into an X shape leaves you with more satisfaction than your ex ever could. For this position, sit up facing each other with your legs forward. This is where it gets tricky: Bring your right leg over your partner’s left leg and leave your left leg under their right leg. Both of you lie back while your legs naturally form an ‘X’ as you come together.
The female orgasm is not a sprint and is definitely not achieved by attempting to bust down the gates of the cervix with a goddamn tree trunk. With the combination of slow gyrations and the ability to rub against your partner at the pace of your liking, your arousal will build, and the sensations will triple in intensity. Trust me, the likelihood of having regrets from this particular X are slim to none.
The Ommm, typically pronounced with a drawn out ‘mmmm’, is more commonly known as the Lotus, but with one minor adjustment that’ll hands down result in one major zen. Leave the jackhammering in the junkyard for this tantric joyride position that’s all about vibing with your chakras (or simultaneous orgasms, if chakra talk isn’t your thing).
In order to achieve prime peak, have your partner sit cross-legged as you secure yourself onto their lap with your legs wrapped around their body. While hugging each other, rocking is key as you take full control and allow the spiritual energy to flow between you and your partner. K, enough of the yogi talk, if you wanna ho it up a little, give them a full show by grabbing their hands and taking turns leaning back and forth while grinding against each other. With the different angles, your g-spot will surely namaste in its happy place.
There are times where I truly don’t know which is more pleasurable, sex or food (again, don’t tell my husband), but this position basically gives you the best of both worlds. To achieve this delicacy, lie on one side while your partner kneels facing you and straddling your leg that is resting on the bed. Bring your opposite leg across both your bodies and curl it around their body.
The Pretzel Dip is the perfect appetizer for female pleasure because it gives doggy style-like penetration while still being able to maintain intimate eye contact. Plus, with your legs slightly more ajar, it allows for ample clitoral stimulation, toy usage, and/or casual grinding. Ok, so food technically isn’t involved, but you’ll probably work up an appetite after that mind-blowing orgasm, so there’s that.
Images: Alexey Kuzma / Stocksy.com; Giphy (3)