7 Beauty Looks For Coachella That Aren’t Flower Crowns Or Those F*cking Dutch Braids

Festival season is upon us which means that every basic bitch in America is about to start announcing on social media how much of a music connoisseur she is while also Googling “where can I buy flower crowns.” Even though it’s only been, like, four months of 2017 I’ve already seen too much in terms of batshit beauty trends. For example, looking like you just gave head the “snogged lips” trend and using condoms to blend your face makeup. That being said, I’m already thinking about how I’ll need to psych myself up pop a Xanax before bitches start testing me with their Coachella life choices.

But because I am a generous human, and also because bottles of pinot were “buy one get one” at the store, I thought I’d take the time to enlighten you on how to be less basic this festival season. Here are 7 Coachella beauty trends that will take your Instagram story festival look to the next level:

1. Khaleesi Braids

I swear to god if I see one more long-ass Dutch braid pigtail combo I will lose my goddamn mind. Just because Kylie Jenner said so you pinned this look to your festival fashion inspo board doesn’t make you original. Instead try these Khaleesi-inspired braids. This style will make you feel like breeding dragons and destroying men, and if there’s a better way to dress while listening to mainstream music with rich people dressed like homeless hippies then I’d like to hear it. Seriously, I’ll wait…

2. Tiaras

This just in: Tiaras are the new flower crowns because Beyoncé said so. For real though, Bey started the trend by showing (everyone) up like a fucking queen at the Grammys. But if you’re feeling weird about showing up in a full-on golden headdress then try wearing a simple, delicate tiara. It has that “let them eat cake” vibe that’s V popular in the White House these days. And it still says everything you were hoping to convey on your Instagram story: that people should not stomp their last season Prada shoes at you, honey.

3. Blue Lips

Pinterest has spoken and dark blue lip color is the official color of spring. TBH this color is speaking to my soul right now. It’s V edgy and though there’s a 100% chance that this will end up all over your face by the end of the day this color will definitely set you apart from the basic AF crowd. Speaking from experience, just brace yourself for the inevitable “you just blew a Smurf” jokes.

4. Pink Eye Makeup

The bad news if you wear your makeup like this people are going to think you’ve been snorting Adderall for three days. The good news is, it’s Coachella so everyone’s snorting Adderall for days! You’ll fit right in, kid. 

5. Metallic Nails

Chic, edgy, and it doesn’t require your nails to take a trip to Claire’s to get pierced. You’re welcome.


6. All Glitter Everything

Glitter at a music festival? Groundbreaking. TBH I could’ve written my entire senior thesis on Coachella’s toxic relationship with glitter but sadly my professor didn’t think there was enough “merit” to the subject matter. So rude. Regardless, glitter is the ultimate trend at music festivals and amongst casual drug users. #TheMoreYouKnow. There’s not enough time in my day to list all the ways you can embarrass your mother wear glitter so I’m just going to list the ones that are the least offensive to me, k?

At the roots of your hair:

Cover up your dandruff and/or oily roots with glitter and dry shampoo = festival logic.

As an under eye accent:

Same logic as above but replace “nasty-ass hair” with “ever-expanding under-eye bags”.

As a highlighter:

Honestly, no objections to this look.

7. Braid Chains

The best way to arm yourself from all the bullshit that’s bound to go down this festival season is with armor…for your hair. Seriously though, this hair accessory gives off some serious Bad Gal RiRi “don’t fuck with me” vibes, and I am about it. Plus it’ll make your Forever21 high-waisted shorts and crochet bikini top seem less slutty-on-a-budget and more slutty-with-money. Which is always my end goal when it comes to choosing outfit accessories. 

Ryanne Probst
Ryanne Probst
Ryanne wants you to know that her name is pronounced “Ryan” and that this is her childhood trauma. Formerly published as “It’s Britney, Betch” she’s the resident recapper for all things ‘Bachelor.' When she’s not talking sh*t, she’s drinking $8 wine and contemplating ways to burn ABC studios down to the ground. Catch her on Instagram (@ryprobst) where she’s either posting pictures of her dog or sliding into the DMs of former reality TV dating stars (you know who you are).