Who here is still feeling personally victimized by the weekend? *raises both hands and feet* I mean, I realize it’s Tuesday—a full 72 hours since I’ve sabotaged my mind, body, and spirit by ingesting enough alcohol to kill most humans and texting every person in my phone who has a penis—but the damage still feels very recent, ya know? If you couldn’t tell, I’m really thriving in this life. My mother is v proud. Anyway, as a result of
the way I choose to live my life these circumstances that 100 percent could not be prevented in any way, shape, or form, my hair, skin, and body are starting to fall apart faster than my credit score. It’s like the world is trying to tell me something? Like maybe treating my body like the floor of a frat house might have more long-lasting consequences than just having to scrub my social media of my drunken antics from the night before? Or that maybe I need to start actually taking care of myself…? *shudders* Nah, I’m not looking to fix all my problems by, like, changing my life and all my habits. I’d rather just take a pill or whatever. Or in this case, a beauty supplement aka the thing that makes you look pretty without you having to actually put any effort into it. Blessings. I’m guessing that you, like me, are also a human trash bag someone who looks for the easy way out whenever possible, so I’m sure I’m about to change your whole life with this hard-hitting segment on beauty supplements. You’re welcome in advance. Anyway, here are the beauty supplements you need to be taking like, right fucking now so you can tell everyone you just woke up like this and actually mean it.
For Your Best Hair Day
Celebrity hairstylist Jen Atkin, stylist to Bella Hadid and the Kardashian Klan
and their wigs, is saving all of our average lives because she just released a hair growth supplement called Ouai Dry Hair Supplement, so now you too can look like an off-brand celebrity. See, Mom? Dreams do come true. The supplement is made specifically for dry, brittle, or thinning hair, but really if you have hair in general, you should be taking this shit on a daily basis. Packed with vitamin E, amino acids, and biotin, it will make your hair look shiny and hydrated AF.
For When You Feel Tired AF
So basically my constant state of being 4-6 days a week. Hey, it’s not my fault I lead a thrilling and adventurous life with my Netflix account that constantly keeps me up way past a normal person’s bedtime. A girl’s gotta have her priorities, am I right? If you’re high-key always tired like me, then try taking Olly Restful Sleep Blackberry Zen Vitamin Gummies. Hopefully, after an extended amount of time with these bad boys you’ll look less like a zombie and more like you actually have your shit together. A girl can dream. These gummies help to restore your hair, skin, and nails while also giving you an extreme boost of energy. Made with melatonin and other ingredients to help promote sleep, you should take these right before bed to help get you into a relaxed state before you pass the fuck out.
For When You’re Stressed AF
My stress levels are constantly somewhere between eating-my-feelings stressed and I’m-about-to-jump-into-oncoming-traffic stressed, and I am not about to get premature wrinkles just because I can’t get my life together. No fucking way. Goop vitamins in the “Why Am I So Effing Tired” formula will save your fucking life. And, no, this isn’t some gag product. That’s the name of an actual beauty supplement. The mix aims to combat fatigue, increase energy levels, and diminish stress by combining Vitamin B, Omega 3’s, and a bunch of other shit that will keep you looking fresh AF.
For When You Look Like The Crypt Keeper
If you’re looking for a formula that specifically combats wrinkles then you should invest in Dr. Barbara Sturm’s Skin Food, which is actually quite an investment because this shit is pricey AF. That said, it really fucking works. While it won’t get the root of your problems (i.e. staying up late to watch the entire first season of Riverdale for the third fucking time in three months, and then being so tired at work all you do is google “Cole Sprouse + girlfriend?” before spending the last few hours of your day wondering why you sabotage your life like this, and then going home to do it all over again) but it will keep your skin looking like something out of a Neutrogena commercial. Really all I can ask for at this point. This supplement utilizes the ingredient purslane, which is an anti-inflammatory and rich in antioxidants to protect your skin and support its healthy function. Plus these capsules also help hydrate and moisturize your skin.
For When You Feel Fat AF
Ever wake up on a Monday morning, bloated from the combination of brunch, mimosas, and poor life choices and wish you could take a diet pill, but without the ephedrine and risk of heart attack? No, me either, I have no idea what that’s like. For the rest of you aka not dirty fucking liars out there, HUM Nutrition’s Skinny Bird is basically what Regina George thought Kaltene bars were. They contain Caralluma Fimbriata to curb appetite, 5-HTP to reduce stress eating, green tea extract to boost metabolism, and chromium to control blood sugar. No, I don’t know how any of it really works but you’ll drop 10 pounds like that! *snaps* Take one capsule up to three times a day a half hour before your next meal so you don’t over eat.
For When Your Life Is Just Falling Apart In General
Honestly, so relatable. I live off a steady diet of cheese and shitty Pinot Grigio, so let’s just say all aspects of my outward appearance are constantly being personally victimized by me and my disgusting lifestyle. If you relate to
my Bumble bio this lifestyle as well, then you’re going to want to invest in a multivitamin to cover all your bases. Ritual Essential for women is one of the more up-and-coming multivitamins for women and it’s supposed to give you better, skin, hair, and nails, and it’s got nine essential nutrients in it that most women lack, like iron, magnesium, vitamin D3, folate, and more. The only bad news here is you need a prescription to get access to these miracle workers. But the good news is now you have an excuse to spend the rest of your day on Zocdoc looking up hot AF doctors to take pity on you and write you a prescription.