When you think of self-care, it’s often easy to picture jade rollers and pretty-scented lotions. But do you know what is true self-care? Embracing your inner bathroom goblin — the person you truly are when you’re locked in with a toilet and a prayer.
The lavatory. The washroom. The restroom. Whatever you call it, the bathroom is a sacred space where everything that transpires is between you and God. It’s where you respond to DMs while sitting on the toilet. It’s where you learn new curse words as your period wraps its bloody arms around you. It’s where you google, “What does a hemorrhoid feel like?” And, if you’re lucky, it’s where you get two seconds of some goddamn peace and quiet (if you’re a dad, at least). However you spend your time on the porcelain throne, it’s your choice alone, which is pretty beautiful — despite the potty talk.
Whether you prefer to “camp out” with that library book you plan on never returning, or pat yourself on the pack for purchasing “eco-friendly” toilet paper, Meyer Briggs probably has a personality diagnosis for you. (I’m sure there’s an anal-retentive joke here.) So, why not embrace it? From squatty potties, flush-friendly wipes, sprays, and more, here are the unsexy bathroom products that you cannot shit without based on your “bathroom-persona.”
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Period Is My Personality
If you’re not on your period, you’re getting PMS the week before your period, or recovering the week after your period. One week out of the month is just a horny free-for-all when you’re ovulating. From pocket-sized tampons and ultra thin pads (so dainty!), to extra strength pain relief and the hottest heating pad, here’s every period product you could possibly need.
The Camper
If you’ve got bathroom business to attend to, you’re camping out like a dad avoiding childcare duties. No one is budging you from your porcelain throne, which means you have to bring the goods to you. I’m talking books, candles, plants — and, of course, a squatty potty because there’s no reason to be uncomfortable. Aesthetics are important to you, even if the ~activity~ you’re participating in is less than pleasing to the eye. Why suffer when you can take your time and luxuriate in a private powder room?
The Scroller
Alone with your own thoughts? I don’t think so! You’re not missing out on one second of pop culture. What if you step away from TikTok for one minute and a new meme makes the rounds? Oh god, now you’re out of the loop. But no, you would never let that happen. Always performing bathroom duties while scrolling endlessly on your phone/laptop/iPad, etc. Sometimes on multiple screens at once! The group chat relies on you to keep them informed. Light an Andy Cohen prayer candle for strength and carry on!
The Mom
With a baby on boob, bonnet on head, and toys all over the floor, it’s highly unlikely you’re getting bathroom time to yourself. Yes, being a mother isn’t your entire identity but it does heavily influence how you take care of your personal needs. May we suggest noise canceling headphones? Or, a Xanax? Whatever it takes to make the bathroom a sacred place (even if it only lasts for a minute).
The Hippie
Before anyone gets confused recycled toilet paper is not used TP that’s being repurposed! Now that we’ve got that out of the way, you can pat yourself on the back for being such a good person. Between your eco-friendly underwear and reusable cotton rounds, you’re practically saving the planet. God knows somebody has to! Might as well treat yourself to a tushy bidet in the process. So European of you!
IBS Hot Girl
Girls don’t poop… but when they do, boy is it a doozy. That’s why we need the cutest plunger, the best scented poopouri, and a squatty potty to keep those feet ELEVATED. Oh, and of course, merch that makes you feel seen like the classic “Hot Girls Have IBS” t-shirt.
Wellness Girl
You’re a bad bitch who wears arm weights while doing your hair, and reads self-help books on the toilet. Wellness is everything to you — as long as you get to wear a cute gym fit. Now mental health? That’s a whole other journey. Sorry, they don’t stock SSRIs on Amazon, but these yoga pants may just heal you.
Bathroom Bride
Going to the bathroom in a wedding dress is basically an Olympic feat. You didn’t spend the last year planning “the best day of your life” to get taken down by a toilet. Sure, you can ask your closest friends in the world to help you pee but you love them too much for that. Thank god someone invented a contraption to gather your gown for exactly this purpose. Just make sure your photographer doesn’t capture the moment.
Medicine Cabinet Girl
The bathroom is so much more to you than a closet with a toilet in it. It’s where your glam-squad-of-one sets up shop. And we all know the medicine cabinet is the notes app of the soul, which is why you treat yours like a shrine. With assorted antacid products, supplements and pain relievers, you’re stocked for the end of the world. All that’s left to do is enjoy a Cosmo as pink as your beloved Pepto Bismol.
