You Need A Hobby: Weekend Horoscopes January 24-26

It’s Aquarius season, f*ckers! Time to continue embracing the cold-ass weather and ignoring our New Year’s resolutions. Valentine’s Day is less than a month away, so we should also collectively mentally prepare for that pink and red parade of bullsh*t. Anywho, the planets this weekend just, like, want you to be happy (even if it seems like nobody else in your life does). So get your sh*t together, pick yourself up after this short work week, and grab life, ya know?


New moon, new you, Aquarius. Take a good, hard look at yourself this weekend and jot down in your sparkly dream journal the things that you want to f*ck, marry, kill improve, change, and keep the same. Mars is totally pushing you to hop on board the friendship express, so when you’re not writing sad poetry about what you want to change in your life, take the time Friday evening or Sunday brunch to head out with your bitches.


The best advice we can give this weekend, Pisces? Sleep. Seriously, the planets are communicating (or whatever) through dreams, so pay attention to wtf they’re saying. It’s also a great idea to enjoy the f*cking freezing refreshing and bracing weather with a short hike on Saturday while spending some much-needed time with yourself.


Mars is pushing you to go out and like, actually try to have fun this weekend, Aries. It’s a great time to get the ol’ gang back together and try something physical, like watching Stacy pass out during hot yoga or listening to Paul panic breathe through SoulCycle. Sunday should be reserved for your SO, since you’ll be feeling less selfish than usual and are ready to listen and be nice.


It’s career time, Taurus. It may be the f*cking weekend, but the universe totes wants you to redo your resume, take on an extra project at work, and otherwise put your big kid panties on (work wise, that is). Speaking of panties, you also may be feeling hella frisky this weekend, so try to be responsible with your downstairs equipment, k?


Tis the weekend to go out and explore, Gemini. The planets allegedly want you to go to a gallery opening, try some near-extinct food items, or like, go antiquing for some 18th-century coffee tables. Mercury is also pushing you to communicate and learn this weekend, so Saturday may be a great time to finally pick back up your Duolingo sessions.


You’re moody AF this weekend, Cancer, which doesn’t help the fact that you’re simultaneously kinda horny. Is this how Meghan Markle always feels? Ugh, planets, amirite? You can try to hang with some fun people, but keep in mind that you’ll be extra prone to getting pissed off. Saturday may be a good day to quietly eat frozen food and watch reruns of KUWTK.


Get sexy this weekend, Leo. Friday is great for date night or diving deep on a dating app. Saturday, if you’re paired up, is a great chance to have some deep convos with your partner. Just be careful that you don’t come off as mean-spirited. Like, for example: a deep conversation is not one that centers around who ate whose leftover pizza or who left which dirty socks on the couch two days in a row.


Your brain is in overdrive this weekend, Virgo. Silence the noise with cocktails on Friday night, then spend your Saturday actually addressing the issues at hand. If you’re feeling creative, paint a f*cking picture, head out to see an artsy movie, or read up on your Kama Sutra positions. If you’re feeling analytical, explore stocks and invest in some sh*t.


Just watching HGTV isn’t going to do it for you this weekend, Libra. Channel your inner Joanna Gaines and tackle that home to-do list on Saturday or Sunday. Sure, you can spray paint that dresser. Of course, you should playfully arrange eucalyptus around the apartment. Sh*t, make that trip to Target for more throw pillows. Just be sure you don’t bite off more than you can chew. Set attainable goals, fam.


Time to concentrate on family, Scorpio. We know your mother-in-law is bordering on psychotic, but try to return her five texts this weekend. Grab a beer with your sister and call your dad to ask how winterizing the garage is going. It’s exhausting, but nurturing those relationships can go far. I mean, you may need a pet babysitter down the line, ya know? You’ll also totally be in the mood to tackle something hefty this weekend, so pull up the hardest recipe you can find on Bon Appétit and destroy your kitchen.


Read a f*cking book, Sagittarius. The moon and Mars are pushing some knowledge feelings at you, so it’s a great opportunity to learn some DIY skills or absorb a literary classic you decided to ignore in high school. It’s also a great weekend to get out of town, but be careful who you invite to trek along with you. You’ll be feeling extra emotional Saturday night and Sunday.


Try not to blow all your money this weekend, Capricorn. The planets are aligned in such a way that you should probably take a long, hard look at your bank account before heading out for yet another all-you-can-eat brunch buffet with a bloody Mary bar. We all know you can’t control your wallet around that sh*t. It’s also a prime weekend for you to make some questionable choices, so for everyone’s sake, try to be a little pickier when it comes to hook-ups.

Images: darleezy/Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson