After a schizo month of half-summer/half-rain (I’m told we used to call this “fall”), we’ve arrived at the shittiest season of all: winter, when the outside world fights me for my title as Ice Queen gets as cold and dark as you made your cubicle until the interns took their questions elsewhere. Winter definitely has its perks, don’t get me wrong. You can blame all your mood swings on SAD, start filling out your holiday registry (I’m a genius, thank me later), and hide the 10 pounds you’re pretending are winter weight but is really just regular weight your bloat with giant, cozy sweaters. But overall, dragging yourself out of bed just to be hit with a face full of dirty street slush (again, I’m told we used to call this “snow”) is punishing and demoralizing, and winter really only lends itself to activities that don’t require leaving bed. So, to finally get to the point, winter is a great time to tell your boss you have mono, build a blanket fort with someone you enjoy seeing naked, and refuse to leave your house for the next three to six months. Here are some sex positions you can try in your sex hibernation that won’t make you freeze your literal ass off.
Let’s be real—95% of the sex you’re having this winter is going to be in this position, and that’s definitely not a bad thing. This is the sex had by two people who were nursing Christmas cookie food bellies 30 minutes ago, and then realized their bodies had been touching long enough to get turned on. It’s lazy and comfortable, while maintaining the de facto deeper penetration of any from-behind positions AND allowing both of you full use of your hands. Pro tip #1: If you’re struggling to find the right angle here, lift your upper leg like you’re doing a fire hydrant and/or scoot your torso forward. Pro tip #2: This can all be done from the comfort of your blanket.
2. Modified/Lying Down Doggy
People have different names for this, and none of them are good. Basically, it’s the version of doggy where you’re lying on your stomach with most of someone’s bodyweight on top of you, both of which are obviously huge pros in the season of hoarding body heat with minimal effort. Also, it hits all the same spots that doggy does while severely limiting a guy’s ability to grab your hips and start playing whack-a-mole with your cervix (I don’t know why this instinct kicks in, but it does and it’s frightening). If you want to start from doggy and move into this, I’d recommend you verbally explain what you want to do beforehand—I tried aggressively pawing at my boyfriend’s lower back last time we did this, and he fondly refers to it as the time I almost snapped his dick off (think about it, it’s a weird angle).
3. “Cowgirl” AKA Girl/Woman On Top
Again, there are no good names for this (or any sex positions, really), and again, I’m going to recommend you do kind of a squished (read: lying down) version of this. Why? 1) You may have noted a trend that all of these positions require full-body contact for maximum warmth, 2) there’s something inherently fun about boobs at that angle, and 3) it’s a great way to get your clit involved. While being on top is never exactly a lazy position, lying down does take off some of the pressure to feel like you’re putting on a show/bouncing up and down like there’s a trampoline on the end of his dick. It’s also harder for guys to finish like this, so take this as your time to bang out multiple orgasms uninterrupted.
Was any of this groundbreaking? No. Despite what Cosmo may tell you, there are a limited number of ways that human bodies can do sex, and the point here is that you should stop using cold weather as an excuse to put your junk on lockdown until spring. You can 100% treat sex as a winter sport, so start building that blanket fort while your least discerning friend swipes through your Tinder. Winter is coming, and you should be too.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)